It seems when people are young, things matter more. I mean you tend to get more upset about relationships and other things and depression is more prevalent. Now that I am fifty, I feel worried sometimes that I am old now, but I have had so much drama and chaos in my past that a little boredom is welcome. I now, not only do not sweat the small stuff so much, but I do not get upset about men so much. I just show them the door at the first sign of disrespect.
I can now enjoy the little things like water rushing up on your feet, a cool night breeze, sitting on your back front steps, being able to see an occasional moon in the sky, a good talking book, a good cup of coffee, fifty cent tank tops at the local discount store, dinner with friends, buying clothing on line, hanging out with family, etc, etc..., and the list goes on like the book Forty-thousand Things to be Happy About, such as dusty red and blue, banana splits, etc..
Whenever I watch Cold Case, I get nostalgic for the late seventies and early eighties, the hairstyles and songs. It reminds me of college and the songs we listened to on the radio and the way we wore our hair, but I guess I would not want to be that young again.
A minister named James Brown, told me once that the next time a man showed me any disrespect, to show him the door. Another older father figure told me the same thing.
I would rather be with no one than with someone who makes me cry on a daily basis.
A wise woman once said "if a man makes you cry he is not the one."
Another thing is when I was young, jealousy made me fight all the harder for someone. For example: if I saw my boyfriend and another woman too close for comfort, I would make sure I got their attention in a big way. I once even slapped a girl over a guy. I got in a lot of trouble with the establishment where this happened, although it was night time and we were pretty obscure. My father condoned it to the director, which I thought was kind of sweet. One of the things I miss about my father is his loyalty.
Now that you know what a 'bad ass' I was, I will get back on point. I am just not like that anymore. Now, I just disappear at the first sign that anyone else is there in the picture, and I walk away.
I suffered and lost many a good thing for love, love that was not worth it, that was just a heartache, love for an asshole. It was not worth it, not the sex, none of it. Sex may be enjoyable momentarily like ice cream, but that does not last, and in this day and age it surely is not something that binds you, maybe temporarily bonds you, but it seems to have become meaningless in our society. I realize good sex can leave one with a sense of satisfaction and well being and gets endorphins to set in like other exercise does as well like yoga, swimming, sports, biking and running.
I will not go into Meher Baba's discourse called The Problem of Sex, which my parents had me read as a teenager, since that was their belief system. I was a good kid anyway, really never wild or rebellious, and a late bloomer, but I did get together with my ex-husband when I was only nineteen, moved in together, got married and pregnant at twenty, and had a baby at twenty-one.
I think it is meaningful when you are married and love each other or when you want to have a child or have a child unexpectedly.
I got off point. I just realized that I could
have saved myself a lot of unnecessary suffering if I had not stayed with jerks because of shallow superficial reasons like they were good looking. I remember trying to break up with someone, and this friend said, "he is so good looking. I used to have the biggest crush on him. You are always a magnet for the most gorgeous men." Thanks a lot, you should have told me what a major loser he is. Words can be powerful to some people who are prone to be effected by them.
I had so many chances to get out of one abusive relationship, mostly mentally abusive but a little bit physically abusive as well, but kept going right back for four years and then some. Like I said in a previous article, no one is bad to you in the beginning, so when you get hooked on someone, it is the good stuff you remember and are blocking the bad.
It is just that one knows when one is being mistreated, and yet when you have Stockholm Syndrome like I did, you get brain washed that everything is your fault, because you are a bad person. He said constantly that I was a bad person. I am really not sure what kind of bad person, because I was not doing anything, but he called my son a bad person too for no good reason. I guess I was crazy then to put up with any of this, so now I put up with nothing.
It took a lot of self-searching and actualization and reading books about misogyny, for me to change, but when you have had enough you had enough. That is all I can say. I hope I do not sound too jaded or bitter, because I want to see the past as nonexistent as well as time and to see all living creatures through the Holy Spirit thought system, ACIM.
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