Making Amends Without a But Clause

    About ten years ago I was at the beach in a bathing
suit, with a girlfriend.  I guess I was not looking too
bad that day, but that is not the point.  I just happen to
remember that it was blue and purple with those boy
shorts, a halter top and blue cotton hat.
     An old friend named Demian came up to me with a
guy I did not recognize behind his long hair and beard.
Demian reintroduced me, (I knew them both from my
childhood since I am from this town.)
     The guy with the long hair turned out to be a guy named David, same name as my younger son but of
course David is a popular name, meaning 'Beloved' and
of course the King David of Psalms.   David C., I will
call him bullied me on the school bus back and forth as
long as I can remember, which would be first grade, because I went to private Christian kindergarten.  Being pretty outspoken I said, "oh you are the guy who
picked on me all those years".  This is relevant to the Course in Miracles because today's lesson is not being a
victim, and there is nothing to forgive because "nothing 
really occurred."  Only, these principles are very existential and in some ways not pertinent in this case.
    He said "I am really sorry.  I was an abused child.  My Dad beat me every day, and I took it out on anyone different."  
     Oh, OK, and I suppose I am different because I have brown wavy hair and brown eyes, or perhaps I am
part Jewish, or my family followed an unusual religion.
Sure I can accept all that, and not to mention that we lived up north until I was four.
     I said "I forgive you", because I appreciated what he said.  Still when a bully bullies someone and later uses
something like that as an excuse, it is not justified, because how does he know the person he is bullying is
not being abused as well, not that I was.  I am just saying you do not know what is going on in someone else's life or home life, and bullying is never justified, no matter what lame excuse they may have.
     Another factor is that an amends with a "but" clause, is not a true amends.  ex:  My x-husband actually did make an amends to me for his behavior in our marriage, but if he had said to me, "Leslie, I am 
sorry for this, this and this, but you are such a horrid 
person and I was having a lot of stress at work..."
I think my point is made.  This would not be an amends.
     Another thing is, even though the Course in Miracles says, there is not reason to forgive, because
nothing occurred, it would be condescending and 
inappropriate to say to someone who apologizes,
"man, nothing ever happened, no need to forgive."
The person would be left confused and bewildered, and 
we have actually discussed this at the Course.  'Outspoken again me' brought it up of course.

Increase and Decrease

     In life there is a natural ebb and flow,
increase and decrease, times of prosperity,
times of hardship and scarcity.  I think the
only solution to these changes, since things
are always changing, being the nature of life
and the world, is to retreat in the darker times
and make progress in the times of increase.
      Sometimes it seems hard to find the strength
and energy in times of decrease, but knowing that
your Higher Power can guide you through such 
times is a help.  I find this true for my own life.  Progress
can appear hopeless and one's sense of well being
can feel stagnant.  I suppose knowing that these 
times are temporary is helpful, and yet not looking
towards the future, staying present, in the here and
now.  So much has been written in current times
about being present, The Power of Now, by Eckhart
Tolle, Be Here Now by Ram Daas and many other
books, talks and articles including A Course in Miracles.  
     I think the simplest but best thing Meher Baba said
was "don't worry be happy.  I will help you."  There is 
actually more to it than that.  He said if you really pray
with all your heart He will help you.
     I suppose my own belief system is very eclectic, Christian, Baba, Jewish, ACIM, and the belief
in love in and of itself.
     When the dark clouds come to darken one's doorstep, it only means that rain will come down like
waterfalls washing away all that is no longer necessary
and all that is blocking the light.  Then the sun will come back out and shine down lightening the way once more.

     

The Worst Brings Out the Best

     Being a writer is a lonely profession, but
so is being a singer, song writer, painter, dancer,
when you have no audience.  I include musician
in that, not just singers.
    I am grateful to the scientists and technicians,
and medical professionals, including mathematics 
and rocket scientists.  A little private humor,
when my son Ted was a teenager, I reprogrammed
our old desk top because someone, a friend
who did not know what they were doing messed
it up.  My vision was fairly good then.  He
said "it's not exactly rocket science".
     That was cute.  Recently I read The Stand
by Stephen King, yes all forty-five hours of
listening time.  Much of it takes place in Boulder,
Colorado, which I find interesting because
I once tried to settle down in Boulder.  My 
recently divorced from me husband was living
there, and I thought it would be great if we 
could share responsibility of our children.  
But, unfortunately, the timing was off and the
altitude just swallowed me and spit me out.
I felt so uprooted, so not grounded, and yet
my own pain killing nerve synapses, without
alcohol or drugs sent me into the highest heights
and the lowest lows.
     I felt like that a little today.  It has been a
difficult time lately.  For a moment today I
felt the warmth of good thoughts coming in
the direction of my family, a feeling I have 
only felt in the depths of despair.
      Only today was different, because as I walked
my dog, I saw the old familiar school bus 
that used to bring my kids home, and that
nostalgia came back, longing to have been
a better mother when I was young, when it
truly mattered, feeling that any attempt to be
a good mother was lame now even if I were 
to be a saint, because the crucial time is gone,
and this makes me sad.
      But then a little glimmer of light came my
way.  A child asked me for help.  He needed
to use my phone.  He was locked out, a latch-key
kid as mine were sometimes.  I helped in every
way I could.  
     This to me was happiness, to be able to help.
Sometimes I feel like a stepford wife minus
the husband, especially when I wear certain
sweaters and really have the house clean, only
today it felt good to be a middle aged stepford
wife minus the husband, because that is better
than other things I could be.  
     I am getting older, and I know as I get older,
it is really not about me.  I can love myself
in a new age way, but I am not number one
in anyone's book, and with that I am alright.
     So, perhaps the worst suffering has brought
on the highest heights, but I can live with that,
at least for today.  If you are reading this article,
I love you for that, for taking the time, for believing
in me, and I love you for your self.

Already the New Humanity

     Many people from my generation and
other generations as well have grown up 
without learning how to love and value, to
really respect oneself.  We grew up with
rejection, criticism, belittling, even from
parents and teachers.  Not many people grew
up like the Clevers on 'Leave it to Beever'.
     Depok Chopra wrote a book on raising 
children with the seven spiritual laws which I
posted in my article about why I called this 
blog, 'The New Humanity'.  Depok Chopra
says in the book 'The Ultimate Happiness 
Prescription,' that "the issues are in the tissues."
     In essence, what he means is that when we
grow up with depressed, unhappy or angry
parents, it gets stored in the nerve synapses.
He has talked about this in other books I have
read.  
     Teachers put us down in school, some praised
us.  When my younger son was in elementary
school his fourth and fifth grade teacher Mr.
Finney praised his intelligence.  He read at an
adult level in fourth grade.  
     I had nice teachers, but I also had one or 
two that mocked me, made fun of me to my face
and behind my back, mainly my home economics
teacher.  It was a vulnerable time for me because
I was still maturing physically and emotionally,
and I wanted to be accepted and liked by my
peers, mostly other girls, not laughed at.  
Ironically there are things I remember that 
teacher telling us about being careful of bent
cans and food poisoning, and when I am in
the grocery store, I still press both top and 
bottom of a can to make sure a tiny hole does
not make it pop, meaning air got in.  It is
also ironic that I liked to sew until my eyes
got too bad, when my sewing is what she 
made fun of among other things.  Go figure.
Even at the Commission for the Blind, in my
home management class, I made couch pillows for
my mother with every stitch neat and even and
by hand.
     Some mental illnesses cannot be prevented,
like schizophrenia.  It is an organic brain disease
which no one could prevent, just a misfortune,
but I like to think in terms of recovery for all
diseases, rather than being negative.  Sometimes
family members become scared, guilty, depressed,
hopeless and alone.  I know from experience
with someone I love with all my heart.  
     There is hope for everyone, no matter how
bad it seems.  There is a light down the end of
the tunnel.  
      So, I always stray from my topic which was
that in this new humanity, I have hope and 
faith, that teachers, parents and caregivers will
realize the importance of self-respect, feeling
good about oneself. 
     When my kids were teens I recall teen-age
girls who hung out and had eating disorders,
drug problems, etc., beautiful young women
who did not love themselves or see how beautiful
they were inside and out, parents preoccupied, 
etc..  I know these things do not just go away.
It has taken me a long time to learn to love 
myself and what I hope for my sons is that 
they will love themselves and respect themselves.
No one deserves to be treated as less than.
Everyone has a right to have a voice and be
heard and be seen.  Again I say,  cheer the 
youth on, for they are the key to a beautiful
bright future, the new humanity.  Love to all.

We All Have Different Paths to Follow

     No one knows how anyone else feels
unless they have experienced the same thing.
That includes me not understanding the suffering
of others physical or mental unless I have 
been in their shoes.
     Some people are married, some single, some
wild and free spirited, some quiet.  Some people
want to be parents or are parents.  Some do
not want to be parents.  In this life my sanscaras
lead me to being a parent and perhaps a maternal
instinct.  
     We all have different faiths, belief systems
and values, though sometimes it may seem as
if one does not respect another.  Philosophically
there is no right answer.  In quantum physics
there is no right answer or even proof that I
am writing this article or that I have a coffee
table near my couch.
     If I tell you I have a bar of soap, toothbrush
and a towel in my bathroom,  there is no way
of knowing if this is in fact true.  I suppose you
could go in my bathroom to see if I have soap,
a toothbrush, and a towel in my bathroom.  That would be proof, but without proof it is only a
theory.
     Objects are just forms of light.  How can
I prove I have a coffee table?  I can feel it, put 
my hand on it, feel the texture.  I can look at
it.  Still it is but a part of the unproven world
of forms.  
     So, this being said, if I were to tell you how
I feel, how could that be understood and how 
can I understand what someone tells me they
feel?  
      It would be a simpler and easier world if
everyone had the same value system and opinions,
although I think it would be boring.
     Sometimes I just listen without saying my
own opinion just to keep things easy.  I do not
think that people want me to disagree with 
them.  Therefore, my problem is being afraid to
be myself and say what I think and when I do,
I feel like I offend others for being who I am. So, I find that from all this we all have different paths to follow. The choice is how to go about respecting that. Where do you draw boundaries? Where do others draw their own? How can this be harmonious?

Upholding Principles

     Everyone has a different opinion about 
most things.  Sometimes, though, it seems
as if I am compromising my own belief system
just to get along with someone who may be
right in their own mind and heart, but wrong
in my heart and mine.
     Where do you draw the line just to keep the
peace with someone?  How badly do you need
or want this person in your life?  Are your opinions
being respected?  These are things I ask myself.
      Someone close to me has really unusual
and in my opinion offensive views, but in the
Course in Miracles, there is no right and wrong.
     I beg to differ, but that is not really the point.
I am left wondering:  am I really getting to 
express myself?  Are my views taken seriously?
Am I compromising my own integrity by not
debating, when I know that this person will
get angry if I try to?  Is it weak to try to keep 
the peace?
     I know I always bring my visual impairment
into everything, but it plays a big part in my life
in some ways, because I think I will put up
with annoying things to get my daily living needs
met.  So today I walked to the post office even
though crossing the highway even at the cross-
walk scares me, and I think to myself perhaps
I could be as self-contained as possible.
     I realize that writing a blog might make you
think I am really wise and know much, but 
no more than anyone else.  I just love to write.
     I would love to hear from you.  Feel free to
post on my blog.  I would love for you to join,
share and comment.  Love to all.     

A Poem I Wrote Last Year

     This is a poem I wrote last year after reading
a novel called 'Little Bee' about a Nigerian
refugee girl in England.  I cannot recall the author
but I will recount it in another post.


                         I Am


I am a Nigerian girl, a refugee, guilty only of 
seeing my family murdered over an oil war,
I am Ann Frank in a hiding place in Amsterdam,
my demise approaching evermore.


I am a Russian girl sold into slavery,
I am a blind girl stumbling in the night.
I am less than a widow, a woman left behind
to raise children in joy and sorrow.


The suffering that some experience
leaves me in utter humble silence and reverence,
for some have suffered as much as Jesus.


     I wanted to write something appropriate
for such an occasion as the day to celebrate the
birth of the great hero Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.
and I felt that this poem would suffice.

On the Lighter Side

     Since my most recent articles have been 
very serious and intense, I would like to write
a light article to balance it a bit.  I was torn
between online shopping, housework, making
a 'good vibe' in your home, a 'groovy vibe' I 
might say humorously or how to stay sane 
through what seems like calamity.
     I decided on staying sane in calamity because
that includes the former topics.  Why?  1) if you
are not able to drive for any reason like myself
due to RP, you may have to make some major
decisions in terms of online shopping, 2) how 
neat and organized one's home is makes a 
difference.  Again being visually impaired
makes this a must for me, because I need to
know where everything is.  3) It is important
to be able to relax in one's own home, regardless
of any circumstances unavoidable.  
      Sage, the herb, in the form of a smudge stick
adapted from the Native American tradition
of burning sage to drive out evil spirits, bad vibes
in laymen's terms, is available in many health
food stores, head shops and pow-wows.  
     A small stick is enough.  It lasts a long time,
but be careful putting it out, not to cause a
fire.  Let its smoke burn in every corner, closets,
the bathroom, etc..  It smells bad to some and
great to others, a subjective experience.  I
am one of those who like the smell, but my
nickname being 'Sage', that would be natural 
of course.  
     Another great idea is to keep one's house
or apartment or trailer uncluttered.  This is hard
if you live in a small place, but if you can get 
rid of as much junk as possible without remorse,
it may be possible to leave some clear surfaces
to place a shrine with anything you hold dear,
such as a photo of someone you love, a guru,
a religious symbol, Christian, a rosary, Hindu, Mastery
in Servitude, etc..  along with a nice candle
and yes candles have different qualities.  Some-
times cheap candles are really inferior to more
expensive candles, but if you can only afford
dollar store candles like me, that will do.  I
have received better candles as gifts and there
is a huge difference, but nonetheless I 
also have cheap candles.  If you have pets it
helps to make the air smell better, especially
if you are like me and cannot burn incense due
to chronic eye infections in my case.  A beautiful
piece of fabric or scarf thrown over your shrine
makes it all the nicer.
    Now, for my favorite subject, online shopping.
Just before Christmas I ordered a folding futon
mattress for when one of my sons is visiting.
I am a strong believer in super-saver shipping, 
shopping on safe sights with good strong reputations
and read the reviews.  They really help and
are for the most part accurate.
     As far as buying clothing, I am hesitant 
to buy pants unless they are just yoga pants
or leggings and I have found with my older 
son buying shoes on line, that he usually has
to send them back for a refund or exchange.
      So, I suppose that is all for today.  Much 
love to all.

Truly Poor, a Little Irony

     Jesus said "a rich man has as much chance
of getting into heaven as a camel through the
eye of a needle."  I have no idea if this is true
or accurate, but I find it so ironic how some Baba
followers say 'celebrate poverty, be truly poor', etc..
Mostly I find the Baba lovers with the most
money saying this.
     They say these little slogans to others, people
and yet they go to India at the drop of the hat, have as
many children as they want, live where they 
want, in what kind of house they want, while people
in China are only allowed one child by their 
government and even in the United States
poor people, mostly black have been sterilized not
knowing what they or their parents were signing.
I am not talking about the mentally challenged but
perfectly intelligent young women who were 
raped and had a baby at a too young age and 
their guardian could not read, just told to sign
a form.
     The injustices in the world go on and on
and not many can do much about it, those of us
not in political positions, but some things are 
just downright wrong.
     So next time you hear a Baba lover say something
about 'truly poor, ...', remember my words, unless
he or she truly is 'truly poor', they should shut
their mouth, and have a 'wake up call'.  They 
know nothing of poverty, so unless you have
ever walked the walk, please do not say these
clever sayings.
     

The Problem with Resentment

     Recently I realized, and not for the first time, the
toxicity of resentment.  A longtime resentment
has been like a boil in me for years.  I will not
tell the details.  There would be no point.
     But, today a revelation came, a realization of 
of the simplest kind.  There is a saying, "resentment
is like drinking poison, expecting another to die."
     There are black magic spells that can be cast
involving black candles and boxes and writing names on pieces of paper, etc.  knowing all the while
that in the law of karma it is a totally bad idea.
     And in truth if you really want to send negativity
all you have to do is light black candles and send
negative thoughts to someone.  
It is a bad idea all around and I should not even
indulge one's mind in such folly.  
     As a Reiki Master, a healer, my intention
is only and solely to heal, never harm, like the
oath that physicians take, "first do no harm".
     So, I have thus related that resentment is 
a waste of time only hurting oneself.  This of
course includes any entertainment of the idea 
of revenge.  Even when I watch the primetime
television show called 'Revenge' with the beautiful
movie star Madeline Stowe, I think 'what is
wrong with these characters?  They only hurt
themselves.'  So, therefore, I believe the best
resolution is to retreat into one's own higher 
self and let it go.  "Give it to Baba".  "Let go 
and let God."  This advice I give I give myself.

Dhuni

     A couple of months ago I was at a dhuni  at the beach.  At first I was scared because it seemed like we were in the middle of nowhere, and I cannot see in the dark.  The sun was going down.  I imagined running into deliverance people, but it was actually a wonderful experience.  I got to sing a lot, and everyone knows I love to sing and play the guitar. That is why I like watching 'Cold Case,' all the great '80's music
they play.
     At the dhuni, which is a ceremony in which
a group of people have a fire, (I am explaining
for my non-Baba follower friends) and sticks
which each person kneels down at the fire to
throw in representing impressions or sanscaras,
attachments, one in particular.  
     I always found in the past when they did this
in India, that whatever I threw in turned around
to be even more intense and a source of suffering.
     We sat on blankets.  Someone brought food.
It was cold there on the beach, but bundled 
up, once I felt settled in or out, however you
look at it,  I felt warm inside, except I wish 
I had warmer pants or long underwear.  
     I felt like teenagers minus the beer and pot.
I hesitated but threw in a stick.  Wow.  As I
knew it got heavy soon in my life, but the karma
burned like wild fire, I tell you.
     My friend Nancy took photos which I will 
share and so kindly brought my son Ted and me.
The beach was magical with the sun going 
down.  I am not afraid of the dark, only the complete
lack of vision except for light.  I could see 
the fire for sure and anything hit directly by it,
although dimly.  I just wanted to share a fun
spiritual experience. I want to thank Nancy Furgal for the photographs.

Chapter 1: Excerpt from My Novel 'American Boys' which I am Working On

      I want to share an excerpt from my novel, 'American boys'.  This is the novel which I am working on about the plight of a single mother raising boys into manhood in difficult times.

        dedicated to my sons Theodore
                      and David

           Chapter 1

     Lizzy stared out the kitchen window of her rented, old, Vermont farm house, on a warm day in mid June.  Wild flowers were beginning to bloom, lavender and yellow, against the distant trees,  foothills, and one neighbor's house.  She could even see some cows grazing in the distance, and the silo of the neighboring farm, as well as a few horses, even farther.  It was so beautiful, she thought, that she felt she wanted to live here forever, that is if the owner would keep letting her have a break on the rent, for keeping it up so well.  Her friend Charlie, actually came to mow the lawn for her, since Daniel had poor eyesight, and she did not like him to run the ride on, although she often did it herself, like everything else, she often resented, but the boys were pretty good about washing dishes, and taking out trash, among other chores.
     She thought about Daniel leaving tomorrow, for Upstate New York, to work on a film project, with his friend, Dana, a girl with dyed black hair, black painted fingernails, stud bracelets, black, baggy clothing, and a pale face, yet nonetheless, something angelic in her gray colored eyes. 
     He was supposed to do the music part of it.  Dana had supposedly, written a screen play, but Lizzy could not help but feel skeptical.  She wondered how Dana could possibly have those kind of connections, not to mention the money, which Daniel surely did not have.
    She poured a cup of coffee, and just then she saw Daniel and Rusty, their black labrador retriever, playing in the yard.  Daniel was throwing an old tennis ball, while Rusty persistently fetched.  Lizzy smiled, knowing Rusty could go on, seeming forever, this way, until he would finally tire of the game, and would come inside to drink some water.  
    Adrien, Daniel's best friend walked in, "hi Lizzy.  I came to say goodbye".
     "Are you deploying soon to Iraq?", she asked him, not surprised at all, to see him, because he came over often, and often took Daniel out with him, when he left.  
     "Yeah, but not for another week."
    Daniel came in the back door, Rusty following.  "Hey, what's up Man?", Daniel greeted Adrien. "I hear you are deploying."
     "In about a week," Adrien nodded seriously.
     "Wow," responded Daniel.  "Come on, let's go up to my room.  Can you stay a bit, or do you have to - ?"
     "No, sure.  I can stay a little while, but Mom and Dad want us to go out to dinner tonight, in Burlington, kind of a seeing off dinner.  Suzanne and Christen are coming as well.  I'd invite you too, Danny, but you know - "
     "Oh no, Man, I totally understand.  They want you to themselves right now.  I get it.  Come on up, so we can hang for a little bit. We need to catch up, before you deploy.  Seems we haven't had a chance to hang in a while now.  I'm going to New York State with Dana tomorrow, and...," he trailed on, as they disappeared upstairs, to Daniel's room, until Lizzy could only hear a distant muffle of their young, manly voices, drifting away.  'Drifting away,' she thought, feeling melancholy about so many things now, she could not even count.  She thought it best not to even think about it all, at least not for now.  
     Lizzy stared out the window, thinking about Adrien's soon to be deployment, with a concerned look on her soft face. 
     Nicolas came down to pour his cereal.  "Mom I am so relieved that school is out.  I just don't know what to do when Daniel is gone."
     "I know.  I feel the same.  Maybe we'll go on a road trip or something fun." She started to break eggs into a bowl, thinking about the fact that the truck needed fixing and they were so broke. Then the thought of getting Charlie back, crossed her mind, but she canceled the thought, continuing with the egg batter.  
     It was not that she did not like Charlie, not that she did not find him very attractive, because she did.  There was just something amiss in the relationship, and she just felt like she could never fully commit to him, even though neither of them were seeing anyone else.  She had been off and on with him for years, but he definitely liked her just a bit more than she liked him, and she supposed it was sometimes to her advantage, because he was her best friend, and she could rely on him.  She just did not feel he was the 'one.'  Oh, what was the 'one,' anyhow?  She thought too much, she always did, it seemed, even though there was so much work.
     "I have two houses to clean today, Nick," she announced, pouring the egg batter into hot melted butter, on a frying pan.  "So, you can hang out with Daniel all day, alright?"
     "Yeah, okay, but when do I get my XBOX game, World Warrior, Mom?," he reminded her.  
     "As soon as we can afford it.  We can rent it when we go to town for your doctor appointment.  You will have to wait for me to buy it, because money is really tight right now.  Get a reality check, Nick."
     "Okay, Mom," he sighed, as he ate his cereal, Rusty watching him the entire time, salivating from one side of his mouth. 
   

Why You are Your Own Guide

     Within each person there are guides, spirit guides if we can access our guide or guides through meditation.  They are not ghost or entities, or anything spooky or occult, although there are Native American and African techniques to find our inner guidance through meditation.
     I believe this is what the I Ching refers to as the Sage, listen to the guidance of the Sage, God, a Higher Power so to speak.  The Tao in Chinese philosophy.
     Sometimes in our lives we put others up as idols, weather it be clergy, yoga teachers, Course in Miracles teacher, sponsors in twelve step programs, who often do not really know or understand our own life no matter how much one tries to explain.  Forgive me, I am in no way putting down these life saving programs, but I have seen so many people get 'burned' by looking up to someone who only lets them down or gossips about them or just basically treats them badly.  Usually this is not the case, but it can be.
    Everyone needs friends and mentors and people we trust and confide in, counselors, etc., but you cannot put all your eggs in one basket so to speak.  It can lead to a great let down.  Even our friends let us down.  They are in our lives, then not.  Still, if we want the friendship we have a choice to wait out these times, retreating to some degree, moving on and finding more friends, focusing on our own self-growth.
     My companion tells me anyone fifty or over and still having to do all this introspective stuff is just...  but I just laugh, because this is part of his endearing qualities.  I like him as he is.  I do not want him to change.  Well, actually I did, but now he is different, not in personality or the fact that he smokes cigarettes, I would not dictate to someone any more than I would want my amusing habits dictated to me, like the fact that I like to watch crime shows like Criminal Minds, well not the reruns anymore, but you know what I am saying. When I say he changed, I do not mean himself, but certain things in his life which stood in the way of our relationship, technicalities or logistics I suppose.
     So back to these inner guides.  If one can meditate and visualize, these guides will help us, just as when I do a Reiki treatment, I say ,"calling all Reiki Masters past present and future to help to treat said person with white light and protection."
     When things are difficult and stressful and you just cannot seem to keep your ducks in a row, like I feel sometimes or worry about what tomorrow brings and all the things that must be done, the bills, the mail, the taxes, the medical problems to address, the family, etc., just breath deeply in and out.  Step outside.  Do sun salutations on a sunny day or on the beach or wherever you live, in a field, on a mountain.  Say a montra, "keep it light",  "all that matters is truth", or simply "om" or "Jesus" or "Baba" or the names for God.  Or simply say "I am OK and those I love are OK".  Pause.  I do not smoke cigarettes, but one thing smokers have going for them is that moment of going outside in the fresh air and breathing in deep and out slowly, like a purging.
    Yoga also helps a great deal.  Trust your own intuition, your own gut, your own wisdom.  We all know deep inside what is best for us.  I hope you got something out of this article.  Much love, namaste.

Why My Blog is Called This

     I wonder if we are all the 'new humanity' in a sense that we are in the future, the new age as opposed to long ago.  I tend to think of our youth as the new humanity.  In my spiritual community, I have watched many children including my own grow into amazing young adults in a time that is difficult: high divorce rate among parents, teen pregnancy, drugs, alcoholism, wars, terrorism, poverty, profanity in rap music, gang cultures, peer pressure, bullying, you name it.
     I am working, just outlining so far a novel called 'American Boys', not sexist, it is just that I have raised boys not girls and have more experience with them, so this novel is in part autobiographical because the fictional characters represent people in my life including me.  But of course I must make myself a little more exciting, for instance, in the story I have no visual impairment and I drive an old pickup.  However it is really based on my sons and their friends and the journey of their lives and hardships.  
     I would like to bring into it Deepak Chopra's spiritual laws which he incorporates into raising children and in child's terms, these are: 1) everything is possible, 2) if you want something, give it, 3) when you make a choice you change the future, 4) do not say no, say how?, 5) when you make a wish, you plant a seed, 6) enjoy the journey, and 7) you are here for a reason.
     Since my children are grown, I cannot try this out, but I have been told my kids turned out pretty well under my care.  I know I could have been a better mother, but all we have is now.  Now is everything.
     If I were to write about American girls, I would have to refer back to my own unusual childhood and high school years to my more typical college years of roommates and dating a steady boyfriend, dances, academia, friendships, partying, bonding etc..  But, that was like a whole other life.
     I was at a workshop, ACIM workshop and this guy was singing about loving yourself and knowing yourself and here I was holding my heart chakra sitting on the front row next to my girlfriend Kathleen, and tears are just streaming from my eyes, because the whole idea of loving yourself was almost taboo in my time misconstrued as being a narcissist.  Of course now we know that this is false, like Freud's belief that everything was the mother's fault, a psychiatrist who is quoted saying he did not like schizophrenics.  He himself found this ironic with him being a psychiatrist. He said he 'did not like these patients'.
     Back to the new humanity.  As I said I see these young people as the seed of the future, holding gifts for the future to make it bright with their music, poems, science, art.  We watch them bloom with creativity, beauty, passion, fervor and energy.  And all I can do is cheer them on.

Death an Atheist View

     Recently I asked someone close to me who happens to be an atheist what he thinks happens to us when we die.  I tend to believe eastern views about reincarnation and so fourth, but I also am influenced by the Course in Miracles, that we all go to heaven, whether good or bad and that there are disembodied spirits, metaphysical stuff, etc., which do not pertain to the Course in Miracles.  (These days, I am listening to evangelists on talking books like Joyce Myers, because they comfort me.  I have been a little sad about some things, but coming out of it.*)

     My friend said, "all our brain and nerve synapses would be dead, so we would just be dead.  Our heart and brain would no longer be working, making us dead, just dead."  An acquaintance of mine had recently died and oddly my friend's father had died recently too.

     As we walked the beach that night.  I could not see but for the lights of the hotels and the crescent moon thank God.  He was holding onto me, warning me of the tide coming towards our shoes.  The night air touched our faces.  I wore his coat and I was warm, but a sadness stirred in me as I recounted his words, "we are just dead, plain dead.  That's all there is to it."

     That very same day we had watched a Woody Allen movie called "Midnight in Paris", which I loved about this guy who goes back to the twenties from 2010, because he is a writer and unhappy with his shallow girlfriend and her rich right wing parents.  He meets Gertrude Stein and Hemingway and Salvador Dali and Picasso's mistress, the bohemian scene, where Gertrude Stein uses the term 'petit bougeour'.  

      Hemingway is saying that only during sex do we forget about death.  Perhaps this is true.  Sex is a beautiful thing, good sex and it does momentarily make one forget the pain, the bad.  It alone could make you believe in God.

     But my friend perhaps 'religioned out' by his youth, said there is no such thing as magic and to believe in life after death would be to believe in magic.  I could go on about this, but I will not now.  I believe in magic.  I am a Reiki master, a yogi, into chakra meditation.  I have even done white wicca spells, real innocent believe me, black magic terrifies me.  But, I also believe in God and a life after and a lot of good things.  Although I will say I took my older son to an evangelical church, we walked, and the lovely woman minister said to me, because I am legally blind, which is why we walk, "the Lord heals".  I simply smiled and said "thank you".  Inwardly I know God is not going to do this, science has no answers.  Just like those people who do not really get up out of wheelchairs on tele-evangelical faith healing shows.  I know the Bible does say Jesus healed the blind and the lame.
     *I added this comment today, July 13, 2014, almost two years since Alan died.  Alan died in late summer of 2012.  When this incident happened, we did not know that Alan had stage four pancreatic cancer.  I miss him.  I was there for him to give him reiki for the pain and to listen when he felt sad about the fact that he was going to die, and he would spend the night when he did not want to be alone.  It was hard for him to be alone, going through this, but he worked two jobs almost to the very end.  I do not know how he did it.  When someone close to you dies, it is surprising that it is sometimes their flaws you miss as much as their strengths.  As far as death, I have no answers.  I think life is just about trying to be a good person, even if people do not understand you.