There are so many hindering emotions that can drag one down into a lower consciousness causing unhappiness. Resentment, anger, jealously, feeling less than, left out, sick, depressed, anxious, and the list goes on. All these negative emotions can be transcended, though sometimes not easy I know. It is OK to feel these things.
However, when I know that my ego is running the show, and my higher self that is Godly and angelic is pushed aside, I catch myself. I make mistakes, big ones all the time, but I make amends when it will not do more harm than good to anyone involved including myself. I contact God through nature and wait for inner guidance.
Everyone I know has feelings of jealousy, rage, despair, frustration, health problems. If one thinks of oneself as feeling well, it helps. I have a visual impairment, a disability, but if I think of myself as whole rather than impaired, I feel better about myself rather than less than. I used to get all into self pity, like "oh I"m just a poor little blind girl, no one loves me, no one ever will, I have less..."
I was doing myself no good at all with this low self-esteem and negative ideas of myself. I am a strong woman, a smart woman, and a good woman. I no longer need to self-deprecate.
Most people my age have some health problems, minor or serious and some of us even need to take medications. I think if we dwell on our sickness rather than the ways in which we are healthy, then we are lingering in negativity. I want to feel grateful for the ways in which I am healthy.
Like many people I have had a difficult life, and I have when I was younger made the wrong choices still not understanding my own
difficulties at the time, because I know that the choices were clear, like staying in an abusive relationship too long in the '90's even though my friends were warning me, and how attached I was to that person, and at the same time how desperately I wanted to disentangle myself from him, really did not want to be with him anymore. Still, my emotional involvement and attachment were unhealthy.
I did not get involved with the healing movement until around 2007 when I began doing yoga and three years prior had begun to feel better about myself after getting out of another unhealthy relationship that had nearly been the end of me. I healed, and sometimes it seems like it would be nice to rewrite the past, but what was has already happened and we do not need to be stuck in our story, including me.
I suppose my healing began with yoga, then a Course in Miracles, becoming a Reiki Master, twelve steps, meditation and a lot of self help books. I do have a mentor of sorts, and she helps me a lot, although I only call her once in a while. She is also my friend.
I am not saying that all my anger and other deadly emotions are gone and I am perfect. That would be a long way from the truth. I still get jealous, left out, angry and all that, but I am not going to be ruled by these thoughts. I have decided as the Course in Miracles says in the workbook, "I choose peace over this." Another is "I am never upset for the reason I think." Another is "in my defenselessness, my safety lies." In other words, I do not need to defend myself against attack. Attacks are a cry for love, and if I attack someone I am crying for love and hurting myself. Namaste, shanti, shanti. Oh, and lastly, "I am the light of the world." ACIM.
I have found in my life that guilt is one my most prevalent emotions. But why? Why should that be? I have been miserable at times when I should have been celebrating, but not only have I done it, I have seen others waste their time on it as well. I saw someone get married, all the while harping that she felt bad for her ex. She was marrying someone close to me, and I felt this just was not right, but of course that is me judging, and who am I to judge? This was long ago.
There is no longer a need for white people to feel guilty for slavery in America, to remember it with reverence, yes, but not feel guilty for what people who may or not have been their own ancestors were doing as Chris Rock says all the way to the sixties, and he is right. However, at the same time, Germans should not feel guilty yet be reverent for the holocaust along with the rest of European countries where this persecution happened. In the same breath I say, why do we have to feel guilty that Jesus was crucified two-thousand years ago? I realize I may lose some Christian friends, and I love Jesus and I have much reverence for His suffering. Still it does not make logical sense to me that He died for my or our sins. Why would God sacrifice His only begotten son? I love Jesus, and I cried since I was a child over His crucifixion, but it is it appropriate for us to drag this out Mel Gibson style? Yes I know Bhau said "go see Passion of the Christ" when he spoke in America, and it was very touching I agree and sad. Still, I do not think seeing graphic pictures of Christ on the cross with blood all over is going to do anyone any good. It is worse than scenes from Criminal minds or Law and Order, Special Victims Unit. Is it necessary for us to see the gore and blood, in order to love Jesus?
Keep in mind though, I have nothing against Christians. I only have a problem with Republicans, lol, not how Republicans used to be but how they are today. Totally without compassion. If you really love Jesus and humanity, then get out and vote for justice and love! I think it is obvious the Democrats are where the love is.
It has been a while since I blogged about anything. I think it has been a difficult time for some Americans, a time of uncertainty about finances and the future. Now with the Republican agenda glooming over our heads, (at least that is how us Democrats feel), I am probably losing my conservative readers, but the idea of kids not being able to go to college and kids not having health care is disturbing. If I were a foreigner in India, Australia, Germany, etc, I would think that the Republican party was heartless, but I suppose I should not even go there. I went to college on financial aid. My brother did. My older son did. Even the Commisssion for the Blind only pays what a Pele grant would not, and still there is a cap on that. I tried to get them to pay for my yoga teacher training, and believe it or not my case manager tried to get them to, but it was to no avail. They only were willing to pay for something like tech. and I then considered going to massage school, but instead I became a Reiki Master.
I have been lying in bed awake at night, wondering how I will pay the bills. I have been wondering, "will we have enough money to eat?"
The words most music to my ears this morning were, "the check is in the mail."
I have been thinking about gratitude as well as deprivation. I got out of my depression and started counting my blessings, a loving family, grown kids, owning my own home (mobile home to be honest but nonetheless a home), food in the cupboard, a few friends, the gifts of music and writing, my washing machine, kindness, the United States government as we know it today, my talking books for the blind, fellowship, the few that really care, a hug, a birthday card from my brother that he obviously chose with a lot of thought.
I think we as a nation will go on and we will remain the greatest country on earth as far as I am concerned. I was inspired by First Lady Michelle Obama's powerful speech and the idea of America truly being a land of opportunity and a melting pot of all ethnic groups, and this diversity warms my heart and gives me great hope.
Anyone who is so elite and privileged as to say, "just borrow from your parents," does not know anything. Mitt Romney said this to college age students. Not everyone has parents with money. I feel like some of the Republicans, not all, are like the French royalty before the revolution, totally out of touch with what people actually endure.
I understand the working and middle class who are upset with the foreclosures, the lack of health care, but Obama will make health care affordable for everyone if they really want and need it.
Also, if you don't like 'the spending,' just remember that sometimes a little stimulus is a huge help to the economy. I know as anyone that this can be true as an individual as well. Obama is not a socialist. He really is not, but in order to be a great country we need some degree of socialism, and I think he is brilliant and a genius. I really do.
