My Worst Character Defect; But Why I Think it Might Be Okay

    Alright, I know the title is kind of funny, and I am not just desperate to get more people to read my blogs, lol.  I don't know, maybe...
     I have a bad temper, and am really hypersensitive, especially about things I believe strongly in, and although A Course in Miracles has taught me that, as in the lessons, in my defenselessness, my safety lies, and love holds no grievances.  These are two entirely different lessons, but I forget to put them into practice.  I like Mathew, Sermon on the Mount, Jesus's words, "blessed are the meek, the poor..."  I also like David's, Psalm 23, ...He prepareth me a table in the presence of my enemies..., and I like Gandhi's favorite song, Sita Ram, which translates in part, King Ram...  Savior of the downtrodden...  Then the Mohammad part about, bless us so that we may act truly, dovetailing the ever fighting Hindus and Muslims, coming together, like as Meher Baba, prophesied, "beads on a string."  I think it will be a very long time before that happens, probably not in our life, because of the religious fanatics who ruin it for the rest. In fact Gandhi was assassinated by a religious fanatic.  That is what I was taught in my South Carolina, public education, which gives what you want to get from it.  
     I do not mean to act like I know everything.  I know I am really opinionated about touchy subjects, like abortion, and I know I piss people off, and people piss me off.  To tell you the truth, sometimes I feel ashamed of the things I say on my blogs, and ashamed of my opinions, because they are not popular, and I am not as liberal as most of my peers, or many of my peers.  But, today I thought, why do I always feel guilty about what I think and say?  I am not intentionally attacking anyone.  I do not think I should feel ashamed.  Marianne Williamson, who is very popular, and of course I know I am no Marianne Williamson, although we are both Jewish, is pretty pro-life in the things she says, and I do not think she feels guilty for saying what she thinks.  I guess I have always doubted myself.  My cousin, a songwriter, singer, guitar player, wrote a song called, Do You Like Me?.  The words say, do I meet with your approval, do you think that I'm okay...  I want you to like me...
His name is Rick Golden, by the way. I do not know if he ever had any major success.  We lost touch years ago, although when I was a teenager and he was twenty something, I remember going to some big concert or rally, or both, in Boston, and taking our guitars with us.  I do not think we ever got to play there, though, that I remember.  One of my Boston memories.  They lived in the suburbs of Boston, Framingham, and my grandparents lived in Chelsea, part of Boston.  
     The song, very upbeat (my ex husband, my kids and I used to dance to it), is what I am talking about.  I mean, why should I always want to meet with everyone's approval?  Is it a family thing, a universal thing, low self-esteem, fear?  Are we all like this?  I know politicians do not seem to fear what people think.  I sort of agree with Obama, but sort of agree with South Carolina Senator Lindsay Graham, that intelligence has kind of gone down hill a bit, in terms of the shortcomings where the latest terrorism is concerned, but I am not going to get into that.  I have blogged on what I think of Boston enough.  I am going to stop going on with that now.  I think I got it out of my system now.  I hope you will accept me, as I will accept you, and I will only act badly if I am drinking...  joke, lol...

I Don't Get It

     I know I should probably stop venting, and that I am probably not doing the victims of the Boston Marathon bombing any good, with the anger I have at the perpetrators.  Still I keep becoming outraged by so many aspects of it.
     I realize as well, that in A Course in Miracles, this is not the way, but still, it really upsets me and a lot of other people, of course, to say the least.
     For one thing, in my novel, American Boys, in all the struggles of the White family, in my story, a single mother bringing up two sons with disabilities, in a working class lifestyle, in a rural Vermont town, (and one of the sons' friends joins the army and gets killed in Iraq), they have very few advantages, as well as very many problems.  
     Lizzy, the mother is a struggling, hard working single mom, who works two jobs, house cleaning and bar tending, just to scrape by, and the younger son has serious health problems.  She has two sons, Nicolas, fourteen, who has autism, as well as a seizure disorder, and Daniel, eighteen, who has just graduated high school, and has retinitis pigmentosa, a degenerative eye disease, which can often lead to blindness.
     The happiest part of the ending, is that Daniel, for one, gets to go to Berkeley School of Music in Boston, due to the affluence of his grandparents in Framingham, and his mother's reunion with them, and finding a lovely young woman, who is also a college student, in New Hampshire, Keene State.
     I feel like the Boston bombers had what the average American, young man, may never get to have.  They took it for granted.  One had a wife and child, they both were athletes and one was in college, and they lived in a very expensive part of the country. What more could they want?  They took assistance from our government.  Their mother stole more money's worth of merchandise than I spend in a year.  I see them as low lives at this point, just trash.
     I realize that perhaps, I should stop blogging, because I am too candid about what I think, but I hate cruelty, I suppose.
     When I was thirteen, I wrote a letter to Pete Townshend, and he wrote me back.  I wrote him to vent about how I did not like the Ken Russell movie Tommy, but had loved the opera, which came out when I was seven, but since I had cool parents, who knew Pete, and lived at the Meher Center, and had met Baba, they had the opera on vinyl.  Pete wrote me back, and among explaining his own experience, and the real meaning behind Tommy, said that I hated 'hate' so much, I wanted to believe it did not exist, and while my life had not been as sheltered as Pete thought, and I later met him, and found him quite humble, perhaps he was right, and the things he wrote about and lived, later my kids ended up living, in a sense.  It is hard to explain.  People think others live in ivory towers, and often they don't at all, if I am making any sense.
     My point is, I don't get it, at all.  I don't see what those creeps, who did the bombing in Boston, had to resent.  They did not appreciate anything they had.  I know I probably don't understand all the molarchy and religious nonsense, and rhetoric, and truthfully, I am not interested, but I am pissed at those cowards' lack of gratitude for what they had.  I have no idea what their issue was, and I do not care.  I just think it is a shame that there are people like this in the world.

A Poem I Wrote Today; Colorblind Stars and Stripes; a Poem of Patriotism; Dedicated to the Victims of the Boston Marathon Bombing

         
      Colorblind Stars and Stripes


The stars and stripes are colorblind, 

the people of all ages,

Gather in peace, tragedy unwinds,

and death and injury in its silent intensity rages.

And, I ask why?, why?, why? does this happen,

In this world, the country, this place in time and space, we live within,

Rage and fury blind me, 

though I know it does not help the one who truly grieves.

And, I wonder how long?, how long?,

before the earth hears the innocent cry out,

Cruelty no longer taking its grip so strong,

Truth and love prevailing over darkness all about.

There is no light in darkness, no darkness in light,

Kaliuga age ever in blind sight,

Reaching up to grasp the sun and stars that shine, birds that fly freely,

Over an earth tattered to the sea.

Night hovers like a blanket, waiting for the day,

When evil no longer has its words to say,

Nor turmoil's fires to ensnare of its blood red walls,

that smell of blood and pain, desperate calls.

Mercy comes in doses small,

but greater than the hate that tries to enfold the world, destroy it,

And, righteousness prevails in the shadows of these desperate, deathly walls,

to save it, to save us all.

And, in the colorblind stars and stripes, God bless America,

that stands for freedom, hope and opportunity, equality, and every kind of human being, colorblind,

No one left behind, with peace in one's heart, and unity of spirit, a loving open mind, compassion does unwind.

Terrorism Causes Less Freedom for Others; They Cannot Win

     I have watched both liberal and conservative media, and I do not understand why liberals would jump to the conclusion that the Boston Marathon bombers were some sort of white supremacist group.  I realize that the FBI has had reason to be concerned about right wing, white supremacist terrorism, because the boundary of freedom of speech has been crossed from time to time, to say the least.  And, at the same time, I feel like conservatives are putting a lot of emphasis on the fact that they were Muslims, although they were Jihadists, or as good ol' Joe Biden, God love him, said at the funeral of twenty-six year old Officer Sean Collier, who was shot by them, "Jihadi knockoffs."  That sounds like Vice President Joe Biden, who I really like, by the way.  James Taylor singing Shower the People there, almost made me cry.
     The reason I say that this causes less freedom for others, is that, like the letter to the president thing, what people write on the internet can make you a target of suspicion.  However, it is annoying that the people who really need looking into, as Russia asked the FBI to investigate this guy, the older brother of the two terrorists, they did not do so enough, since they were making more bombs.  I cannot believe the younger one has zero remorse.  This is psychopathic, criminal minds type behavior, the type of behavior the FBI, Behavioral Analysis Unit investigate, or I should say profile.  These are in essence the same as serial killers. 
     Now that I have learned that the master mind, older, able bodied, terrorist brother, was on government assistance, I am really angry, angry enough to cuss...  However, I do not like fowl language, and although use it a little, in my novel, American Boys, I do not swear on my blog, for the most part.
     I have two sons, six and a half years apart, but I have zero sympathy for those two cowards who did the Boston Marathon bombing.  I do not feel sympathy for a guy who put a back pack containing a bomb in front of an eight year old boy.
     I hope this will not reflect badly on the Muslim people, mostly who wish no harm, and are good people.  The mosque in Boston refuses to hold a funeral for the bomber who was killed, and his body remains unclaimed in the morgue.  I do not blame them.  They are right not to.
     Why do liberals always want it to be white supremacists, not that white supremacists are good or anything, of course, but why do they not assume they might be these type of Muslim extremists?  It seems like 911 should have given some indication.
I guess to answer my own question, they might rightly fear more wars overseas, like Operation Iraqi Freedom and Afghanistan.  I can understand why this could bring about a state of denial.
     Now, they are saying that the CIA were also warned about the older brother, by Russia.  Why did the FBI and CIA overlook this?  How did he fall through the loopholes?  This is not right, unacceptable.  I do not like any of this.  Would they have been more interested, had they been Middle Eastern, rather than Eastern European?  Was ethnic profiling at fault?
     Perhaps, America needs stricter immigration and stronger national security.  People come and become citizens, are even educated here, but hate America.  Why do they come if they feel that way?  Perhaps their own country is in civil war and turmoil.  That is not an excuse to bring heartache and turmoil to innocent people here.  
     Already, because of bad people, good people have to watch their words, and be very careful.  Apparently, they arrested the wrong guy in connection with the poisoned letter, due to stuff he posted on social networking.  Beware what you post from now on.  Freedom of speech is not as free as you think.  
     Also, because of bad people, good people are under surveillance cameras as well, and have been for a long time, like in Nineteen, Eighty Four, by George Orwell.  It is just a fact.  Read Warning to a Young Patriot by Naomi Wolfe.  
     Americans cannot go and immigrate wherever they want.  Why do we have to let anyone immigrate here?  Peru gives longer visas to other nations, than they do to Americans.  Why?  We get treated like crap in other countries, and then people become citizens, who hate America.  It makes me mad.  Why become a citizen of a nation that you hate?  Why?  I do not understand.  Liberals are going to hate this blog, I think, but I have to say how I really feel.  
     Also, just because a suspect has a pretty, angelic face, does not mean you should sympathize with him.  Yes, in Course in Miracles terms, we are all innocent and children of God, but there is a price to pay for acts of cruelty, which are unacceptable, and I admit I did not come up with that about the angelic face, as I heard that comment on CNN.  I just wanted to give credit where credit is due, and let you know I did not come up with it, but it makes sense to me.  Feel free to comment.  By the way, when one sees innocence in anyone's face, it is one's own innate innocence reflected.  From what I hear, the victims do not even want the perpetrator in the same hospital, Beth Israel, and I do not blame them, after all that happened to them.  (I visited my aunt in that same hospital, with my mother, when I was a teenager.  My mother's family was from Boston.)  

Go Boston

     I am so impressed with the police and the FBI, as well as the citizens of Boston, Massachusetts.  I am impressed at how they found the perpetrators so quickly.  I have seen and heard some people saying, "how do they know...?"  The evidence is all there.  
     I understand how people think.  I have two sons, six and a half years apart, but you have to look at the facts.  
     A little boy was killed, only eight.  His six year old sister lost a leg.  Two very young, beautiful women were killed, and over one-hundred people injured, many of which lost their legs, due to the nature of the explosions.  It was a 'war zone' caused by terrorism, which rightly we have zero tolerance for.  It was Patriot's Day, the Boston Marathon, a day that should have been happy and peaceful, had these young men not done this horrific act.  I like what Obama said.  "We will find you..." I do not want to see one more unpatriotic thing on facebook.  I may be judging from my ego mind, but I am really disturbed, as well one should be.  I think everyone is, but some people are for some reason, thinking sympathetically towards these guys, which makes no sense at all to me.  They hated the U.S. government.  Perhaps, and likely, the younger was influenced by his brother, but there is no excuse, not in any way, shape or form.  They were educated young men, and there was no excuse on any level, period.
     (Actually, there is now breaking news that the FBI may have had some warning, so that is disappointing.  I will have to listen for more news on this.  It was the older brother, and he was questioned, but they let him out of their sight, so they may have been negligent.  This is a little disappointing, being fond of the FBI, but the FBI claims they found no evidence, and therefore closed the file.  Russia had warned them of the radical extremism.)
     It is unfortunate, because like Obama said, no ethnic or religious group should become a target now, because of this, but to some people, bigotry may now be formed for the ethnicity of the killers, or religion rather.  That would be unfortunate for others.
     I wish the kaliuga would end, and all these violent events would stop.  I hope that our prayers and good thoughts, light, good energy, and hope will help the surviving victims, and will help to shed light their way, but there will be years of healing to come from this horrific atrocity.  All we can do from here is pray.  
     While it was a victory for Boston, Massachusetts, and The United States, and the police and FBI were amazing, as well as the citizens who cooperated with law enforcement, and courageously helped the victims of the bombings, there is still such a sense of loss for so many people, and indescribably sad.  There must be a way to stop terrorism in the future.  I will pray for my country, our country, that we Americans are fortunate to be citizens of, and ask God for His love, light and healing for Boston and the victims of this terrible tragedy.
     My mother is from Boston, and we used to visit my grandparents there, in my childhood and adolescence, and like Obama, my mother went to Harvard, so I know Boston, and have fond memories of it.

Pain; What is Pain?, and How do We Deal With It?

 (The first two paragraphs are not really related to the Boston Marathon bombing.  I had another train of thought, when I wrote these, so I am sorry for the misunderstanding I may have created.  I was really speaking about pain, anger and hurt in general, and talking about things in ACIM, as well as Meher Baba's teachings, which are confusing to me in terms of certain circumstances.  I think anger can be justified, and pain, real.)
     When people attack us, hurt us, they are crying for love.  When we get angry, it is our ego, and nothing else, that is offended, even if love may be our compass for pain, as well as past experience.
     I am conflicted now, because Meher Baba said that suffering is 90% self inflicted.  I am not sure if this is true.  Baba said suffering was spiritual, and in a sense, Christian doctrine makes us feel this way as well, especially Catholicism.   
     As much as some Course in Miracles, believers, teachers and those who study, say that it is just all illusion, there is no way for an empathetic, normal person, to not feel terrible for those who suffer in disasters, natural and otherwise, like the Boston Marathon bombing, you cannot just think that way.  I cannot.  It is inappropriate to think so flippantly in such a situation.
     As I said, anger fuels so many bad events, and things to be ashamed of.  The ego causes anger, and without ego, truth can come to prevail.  Of course we all have ego, and we must to live, but if I choose love, and the Holy Spirit, rather than judgment, I am always better off.
     Still, we must feel empathy.  A psychopath, someone incapable of empathy, is the type of person capable of killing and maiming, the normal, healthy person, rightly, cannot understand.  No amount of resentment or anger, in the normal person, can account for such behavior, such hate, such evil. And, according to Marianne Williamson, ACIM writer, speaker and scholar, there is such thing as evil, although it may be in the world of forms.

Supporting Our Troops

     It is good to remember veterans and help whenever possible.  I am reading the 2009 best seller, Home Front by Kristin Hannah.  She is a little like Jodi Picouldt, but more humor to her serious fiction writing, or perhaps it is the reader.
     Like my novel, American Boys, it takes place during the Iraq war.  Some of it takes place in Iraq, since the mother in the story is a soldier.  It is a little sad, because she has to leave her two girls with her husband, who has recently told her he no longer loves her.
     In my story, I wrote Adrien's Story, about the best friend of Daniel, the older son, and Adrien goes to Iraq and gets killed.  In my story, the White family are not military, but there is a family who is.  Daniel cannot go to Iraq, because he has retinitis pigmentosa, but suffers the loss of his friend, and Lizzy's best friend's son.  Of course, Lizzy and Jill have drifted apart, because their lives have become so different.  The loss of Adrien, brings Lizzy close to Jill again in Jill's grief.  
      Even if one does not believe in what America might be doing, once someone joins the army they have no choice but to go to war or go to jail.  It is important to support our troops.  
     I want peace, and I think we all do, but somehow it must be seen as keeping America safe.  That is how I feel.  
     Now we are under the threat of North Korea, and it is really scary.  I hope that we can maintain peace.
     It is interesting that this novel contains similar popular things, such as XBOX, War of the Worlds, and others of the times, especially a few years back, although my novel is a little more political.  I think it is always good to stand behind one's country, and support the troops.  It could be your brother, sister, daughter, son, mother, father, husband, wife or friend.  

How Long?

How long must you wander alone, 

as cold as a river stone,

Seeing the world in shades of gray,

and somehow lost the way.

How many suns have you watched go down, and tears like rivers in which to drown,

And a heart as heavy as metal and gold,

Young eyes always wise and old.

Wondering when this journey finds a source, beyond sorrow or remorse,

And wondering if you ever had a chance,

or if you'd have learned to dance.

And you wonder if this weariness ends,

if you find where your life begins,

And if these fears will go away,

as you stear from this cliff, this abyss.

And in the end you wonder, can I make it,

can you find your way somehow,

Wondering if anyone can see you now,

because so alone you became.

Discrimination and Inconsideraton

     I realize I have no idea what racial discrimination is like, but having been very close to a man who was African American, (he had been my fiance at one time, a few years ago), I know how someone black, growing up in the south, can have some bad experiences to recall.
     Now, reading Condoleezza Rice's autobiography, growing up in Birmingham, Alabama, then later the family moving to Denver Colorado, her having been a teenager in the sixties, I have been thinking about it now.  It sounds like her father was a really determined man, and her mother very strong as well.
     My only experience of difficulty is being visually impaired.  Sometimes some jerk will make a rude remark, someone will not understand if I run into them, and once in a while I will find a person in business who is not helpful, nor understanding when it comes to filling out paper work.  But, since I have a friend who is the president of the Federation for the Blind, for South Carolina, a blind attorney and politician, ran for Congress as a Democrat, but lost, as usually is the case with blind people, I pull out that card.  I realize I am bluffing at times, but I do think people with visual impairments suffer a lot of lack of help and understanding at times.
     

Why I Got Fed Up With Alice Walker's Autobiography

     I think Alice Walker has contributed so much with her prose and poetry, The Color Purple, made into the Spielberg movie with Oprah Winfrey, etc., criticized as making black men look bad, and have been enjoying her autobiography.
     The one thing that bothers me, is the part about her wanting to kill herself if she could not have an abortion at nineteen or twenty, when she was in college.  That is a bit cold towards an unborn child.  I got pregnant out of marriage, by my boyfriend at age twenty, when I was in college as well.  I was a singer and had hopes and dreams, but there was no way I would even have thought of not having my baby, and he is thirty years old now.  My ex husband married me in a so called, 'shot gun wedding,' but I would have had the child either way.  Six years later I unexpectedly got pregnant with my second child, now twenty-three going on twenty-four.
     I do not judge others, but Alice Walker says nine out of ten women, have had an abortion.  I have not, and I am now fifty-one years old, and cannot have children of course, in any way shape or form.  My own mother thinks that abortions are a good thing, and that women who have them suffer..., but I would not know, because I have not had one.  Sisters, if you are reading, all my female friends and family have, so do not think I judge.  I understand that sometimes someone would need or want an abortion, especially in rape or incest, threat to one's life, living on the street perhaps, and having no means of support, being way too young of course, like twelve, which also qualifies for rape, and no child that young should give birth, or finding that the fetus has a horrific birth defect, which would disable quality of life.  I do not think retinitis pigmentosa, which my sons and I have, would be in that category.  I just think the fetus is a person, and I know Baba people say, "oh Baba said the soul...", but truthfully I do not care, because I feel how I feel.  I mean why get rid of a perfectly good baby, that someone else might want, a nice single person or couple in fact, straight or gay, who cannot have kids of their own?  I do not have a problem with gay marriage, by the way, in case you are jumping to the conclusion that I am reactionary.  I am not.
     My own mother acts like you are not a real woman or something, unless you had an abortion, and says she councils all the women who come through, who had one.  So what am I, a freak, because I never had one?  I mean serious, man.  Don't you think these liberal feminist approaches go too far?  In fact frankly, as much as I love Walker's writing, and am interested in how she married a Jewish guy and all, I am going to stop listening to this, and send it back to the Library of Congress, Talking Books for the Blind.  I have had just about as much as I can take of pro-abortion rhetoric.  If anyone is angry at me, please feel free to exercise the first amendment.  I will respect what you say, I suppose.  It is the one thing I cannot stand about liberals, even though I am a Democrat. This is one reason, although I do not believe abortions should be illegal, I think if nine in ten, had one, they are too prevalent.
     I am going to go back to Condoleezza Rice's autobiography.  Plus, Alice Walker bitches about being blind in her right eye. Well I am too, but so what.  I don't bitch about it.
     Condoleeza Rice, although a Republican, like Laura Bush, is pro-choice, I am quite sure, and so am I.  Do not get me wrong, but I do not like to feel that abortions are good, because they really suck.  Watch a film about what they really do some time.  You can be a real woman and still not have one, even though a certain family member has no respect for my position, but I love her anyway.  When did killing babies get to be glorified, for crying out loud?  And, no I do not believe in killing babies in the war, like some sixties hippie would say to me, and have said to me.  You cannot bunch people up into a category, because they might have one opinion, and as I said, I understand, but still...
Look, as I said, I am not judging anyone.  I really am not.  All women are my sisters.  I just wish someone would respect how I feel, and not look at a virtue as some sort of shortcoming.  I do not put others down.  Why does anyone have to put me down?
     And, by the way, I am one of the people who have protested the drones, on facebook, and I am against war, and I am against killing, unless it is to save someone, like the holocaust, for example.  I did not believe in Operation Iraqi Freedom.  I do not like what we did, so please do not get the wrong idea about me.  
   
Note: I should not have said 'killing babies.'  That was not appropriate, and I do not think that way.  I guess I was mad at a certain person's attitude, and took it into my writing. My apologies to all or any I may have offended by my bad wording.  I am not going to write on this subject anymore, anyhow.  It makes me uncomfortable and is too sensitive a topic, so I was insensitive to write it, and it was even, in fact, too personal on all fronts.

What is Happening to America as We Know It?

     "Readin' the news, and it all looks   
     bad, they won't give peace a chance..."
                                         Joni Mitchell       (California, from the Blue album)

      I suppose I think myself nonpartisan, so I am not blaming any political party that I know of, but I am worried about certain problems this country is facing, and how it will turn out.
     I know that worrying is no good, not helpful, but there is so much disturbing news, although I am glad they are finally addressing the gun control problem, to some degree.
     Here are the things I am finding disturbing: 1) the postal service may be going under.  I cannot even begin to say what a crisis that would be.  I discussed it with my own postal delivery person today.  He said that obviously he did not want it going under.  Look how many jobs are at stake, and how many people you or I may know who do or have worked for USPS.  
     2) They want to put more restrictions on food stamps, the snap program, which is federal, so country folk cannot buy a candy bar or a bag of potato chips, nor city folk for that matter.  That is just wrong.  
     3) The mental health system is suffering, the public mental health system, including psychiatric hospitals and an overall lack of beds, and in mental health centers, a lack of doctors as well, because mental health center doctors can work off student loans, but are not getting rich, the way that private practice psychiatrists and physicians can.
     And finally, and I realize this is not our country's own fault, 4) North Korea is either bluffing in their threats towards The United States or not, but are most likely, not bluffing, when it comes to South Korea.  This is unfortunate, because our country is so depleted by Iraq, Afghanistan, and we cannot police the world on and on.  But, the threat from North Korea is a serious matter.
     Finally, 5) I am tired as many of you, of corporate welfare, especially when they complain about a guy buying a snickers bar on food stamps.
     What are we going to do?  What will happen to us?  I love America as much as the next person.  Would love your commentary.