Making Things Bright

      I think I am funny sometimes because life is bleak.  Life can be bleak.  I was telling a friend that I was actually trying to make the situations in my book American Boys less sad than our life really was.  I am listening to Kurt Cobain, Nirvana and it so much brings me back to when David was twelve and Teddy was eighteen.  They adored Kurt Cobain.  Ted told me all the conspiracy theories about his death and David learned to play and sing his music. I used to say at my own small performances that we were fans, only we did not want to die.  Before David began playing the guitar which I taught him his first chords for, I used to accompany us both on One Last Breath by Creed, the former Christian band gone totally rock.  
      In my brief identifying with redneck period of militant toughness, I used to like Nickelback, believe it or not for their rawness I suppose.  My son David hated them.  I think Ted was indifferent.  He helped me order their CD before I ever learned to shop on line.  The post man brought it to the door.
     For the record we had some good times.  Vanilla Sky was our own cult film, following of three.  One Halloween, I actually made a mask and wrote cards with our lines and set up a video camera to record us act out the night club scene.  I played Sofia, David played David Aims and Ted played Bryan.  I actually made David wear the mask I made and I put on a shirt like Sofia wore in the movie, and Ted actually had acting ability.  He actually acted exactly like Jason Lee did as Bryan, even down to the looks and voice.  David did a damn good Tom Cruise part as well.  I played Penelope Cruz's part.
     American Boys, my novel is in essence my life with my two sons, growing up with me a single mother who tried to make things fun in good times and all went to hell in bad times.
     Yet, I kept on taking care of them and they love me unconditionally as I love them.  I have posted bits and pieces of my life and I wish I could say I was this perfect mother like in the movies, but I was not.  I was vulnerable and sometimes strong and sometimes weak.  To say I did my best sounds lame as does to say I did my best at the time.  Perhaps I could have done better.  In the Course in Miracles there is no need for all this guilt.  In fact it is a form of egotism in and of itself.  So, I will continue in the Holy Spirit thought system, searching for my way.  I hope that I can always be a vessel for light and love, for there is nothing more.