When times are dark and the "wick of righteousness
burns low," Meher Baba, "I come every 700 years when the wick of righteousness burns low," it sometimes seems as though your soul has been robbed, your heart torn out, "even though your heart be cut to bits let a smile be on your lips", Meher Baba, the New
Life Song.
I have been and spent years of my life with people, especially one particular former partner, that I could not be myself with and along the way lost myself, my essence, not knowing any longer who I was because I
spent all the time trying to make another happy and making myself acceptable, dressing right, acting right,
being young still, being unable to be witty and clever
like the women my partner then was charmed by. I
confess I later learned how to act like them. I was just
young and naive then, only knew about marriage and
children and working, cooking, etc.. I also had the
good girl or nice girl complex, obsessed with being a
good person at expense to myself, although I am truly
a better person now and a better mother, because you
cannot disrespect yourself and give your children the
love and guidance they need.
Just for the record I was not referring to my ex-husband, who is a good person and the father of my children and although not perfect, I was with him for thirteen years and actually was myself with him. The man with whom I could not be myself was the man I was with right after my divorce, a four year relationship of living together, not a legal marriage, common law I suppose, but he never treated it like a relationship except when he wanted me back, but in the end no such luck for him. His actual legal ex-wife said she experienced the same except in my estimation I always assume he had to have been better to her, but I could be wrong. So much for the baggage. Lord knows I have some too.
I know this is extreme, but I met a woman who roomed with Susan Smith in prison in Greenwood
South Carolina, yes Susan Smith, the woman who
drowned her children and claimed a black man did
it. I met the lady who had known her in prison at
some coffee shops I used to sing at open mic at.
She wrote a poem about Susan Smith. I asked her
what she was like. The woman who I met described her as a very needy person, very disrespectful to herself.
I felt like I knew what she meant, could imagine.
There is a famous Carol King song, You've Got a Friend, also sung by James Taylor with Joni Mitchell
singing beautiful harmony and echo. The song says,
"aint it good to know that you've got a friend, when
people can be so cold. they'll hurt you and desert you. they'll take your soul if you let them, but don't
you let them." Of course they cannot truly take your soul, but it can feel that way. They can drain you like vampires for their own neediness and egotism. Sometimes, they can just be sadistic and hurt you for the hell of it. For kicks, to get off. I realize this is
negative and I am talking about a very small amount of
people. You might not know vultures like these, but I
have known a couple.
Once you learn to meditate, do yoga and eat right,
the being grounded unto oneself can be a learned process so that the winds of life do not toss one off
balance with no equipoise, serenity and equilibrium.
Reiki can help with this, receiving Reiki, energy
healing which is highly effective. Also eating the
foods your body tells you that you need, like red meat if in moderation, you find yourself craving it, or garlic or
cranberry juice, lemon, oranges, etc..
Lastly I just want to say that to allow another to
rent space in one's head is another example of self
destruction. Give love freely. When negative emotions kick in such as jealousy, hatred, anger, fear, resentment, self-loathing, despair, anxiety and sadness, try to shift. Take a walk without thinking and see if things change for the better. Watch a mindless, entertaining television show. These thoughts leave as quickly as they came. Meher Baba said, "love those you cannot
love." He also said "do not be depressed about your depression. It came to you unasked and it will go away. Love for God alone matters..."
And, for the record I know I need to forgive that guy I was talking about so as not to have a double standard. I did not forget that. It just takes a little longer sometimes, but as the Course in Miracles says,
"it is all illusion and nothing really occurred". Of course as I have stated before this is a very existential
thought and I would never say that to someone who
apologized to me. It would be rude if nothing else.
I remember once complimenting someone on her beautiful singing, and she said "Baba did it". Being
young and impressionable and a copycat, I was at the
L.A. Sahavas, Baba gathering for those not familiar with Baba terminology and jargon, and I sang. This guy complimented my music and I said pretty much the same thing (I guess to be cool and have false humility and I say this with good humor) as silly as that sounds,
and he looked hurt and confused. Since, and I was only
like twenty-four then, I have never been so pretentious. I only say "thankyou" or "I'm glad you liked it" or "that is so nice to hear", because pretense is useless. I would rather be real. One of the women mandali, Baba's close ones, I cannot recall which one, not Mehera, because I remember everything she ever said to me, told me to say "I'm glad you liked it."
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