Chapter 12

     For the first time in a while, since before Adrien's death, Lizzy woke up feeling better.
She had been helping Norine get to meetings,
and even been helping Norine and Becky with some errands, like shopping and getting the kids to the doctor, even though Norine had a boyfriend who lived with them, and it seemed Becky had a few boyfriends.
     It had made her feel useful again.  Jim, Nicolas and she would be going to her parents' in Framingham for Thanksgiving.
They were picking Daniel up in Boston, where he was living, not on, but near the campus, with other students from Berkeley School of Music.
     She had begun taking Sky home in the evening.  It was a pretty lengthy trip up the mountains, and she did not think she would be able to get there when winter came full blast to Vermont.  She expressed her concerns to Michael, Sky's father, who was a writer, and a fairly well known, successful one, but he had said that they could come down to meet her, in their four wheel drive jeep. 
     Sky's mother, Willow, was a sort of flower child, out of the sixties, even though she was about five years younger than Lizzy.  She was an artist, who painted ethereal paintings of angels, celestial beings, wolves and goddesses, as well as suns, moons and stars, not to mention the sky, like her son's name.  Lizzy was not crazy about this style of painting, but she did like the wolves, and had to admit that the woman had talent.
     Last night she had gone back to work.  Jim was surprised when she showed up.  "Are you sure you are up to it?," he had asked.  
     She had smirked.  "Yes Sir," she had smiled.  
     "What will it be Freddie?," she had asked a usual costumer, "scotch neat?"
    "Yep, you know my number," he had said.
     Jim smiled at her out of the corner of his eyes.  "I'm glad you're back, Babe."
     
     "I'll see you when you get home, Nick," she had said this morning.  "One more day, and tomorrow we are off to Grandma and Grandpa's."  She hugged Nick.  
     "I can't wait.  Road trip," he said.
     "Road trip.  Love you."  She kissed the top of his head, and he left for the school bus, backpack over his shoulders.  He was getting so tall and handsome, she thought, more and more like his father every day, she thought.
     After Nick was gone, she took her laptop and coffee to the living room, where the wood stove was burning, warming the room, and sat drinking it, reading The Huff, a liberal newspaper, online.  Then she also payed some bills, that needed catching up on, such is the electric bill, before it got cut off, not to mention the water and land line, internet, cable bundle.  After paying it all, there was about one-hundred dollars remaining in her bank account, which she checked online, as well, but November rent had been payed, so they would manage.  She had a pay check coming now, since she was working at the 'Water Well.'
     She went upstairs to her room, and brushed out her long hair, which she left down for a change, since it was clean and shiny from having been just washed, and put on some make-up, eyeliner, mascara and lipstick, threw on a white, fall cardigan and headed out to the truck.
     She knocked timidly on Jill's front door.
It had only been a few weeks since Adrien's death.  She felt it important to see Jill, since she had not gotten a chance to, at the funeral, Jill having already gone upstairs while Lizzy was at the wake.   She carried a basket, which contained fresh bakery bread, cheese, grapes, a bottle of 
merlot and a bag of fresh ground coffee beans.  
    Jill looked very put together in a new looking, light blue running suit and athletic shoes, her blond hair in a pony-tail.  She looked sad, but smiled.  
    "Hi Lizzy, come in."  She hugged Lizzy and gestured for her to come in.
     "Here, I just wanted to bring you this," Lizzy handed her the basket.  "We are going to have Thanksgiving in Framingham, and wanted to come by to see you.  I didn't get to talk to you - ," she broke off.
     They sat down on the couch.  Lizzy reached for Jill's hand.  They just sat quietly.
     Jill was crying and reached for a kleenex  from the coffee table.  "It's just really hard right now.  Tom is out back working on a project.  He's building a new shed.  It seems he always has to keep busy just to stay sane I guess."
     "How are you holding up?," asked Lizzy.
"I know it must be hard."
     Jill reached for Adrien's photograph in a frame, on the end table, in his uniform.  She looked at his picture with tears in her eyes.
Lizzy started to cry too, but tried to hide it.
     "I just can't believe it.  It still seems like a dream.  I got some anti-depressants, but the doctor says I just have to go through the grieving.  I just miss him.  We all do.  Tom, Christen, me, Suzanne.  How are Daniel and Nicolas?  I know Adrien was so fond of Daniel."  She started to really cry.  
     "They are good.  Yes, Daniel really loved Adrien and so did I.  I'm so sorry."
     After a long catharsis, Jill said, "well I have some things I need to do."  It seemed, she just needed to be alone, that it took all her strength, even to be around Lizzy.  But, Lizzy understood completely.
     "Is there anything I can help you with?  We leave tomorrow evening, but I can help if you need anything.  Can I clean the house or pick anything up?"
     "Oh, no that's OK.  You are such a dear, but we have had the military helping a lot. Other military families really have your back during these times.  They have cooked, cleaned, done laundry, anything we need.  That's just the way it is.  In fact, I think some of them are coming over today, to help out.  I'll call you when you come back.  I think we are going to be pretty quiet this year.  No fuss over Thanksgiving."
     "Yes, I understand.  How is Christen?"  Lizzy and Jill walked to the door and embraced for a long time.  
     "She is upstairs in her room.  She is not ready to go back to school.  This has been incredibly difficult for her, losing her brother."  Jill started to cry again.  Lizzy hugged her.
     "I'm sorry," she said.
     "Thank you, Lizzy.  Thanks for coming to see me."
     One more hug and Lizzy left.  It was painful, but she felt better, after having gone to see Jill.  It was just something that she needed to do, the right thing to do, and she wanted Jill to know that she was there for her, as helpless as she, Lizzy, felt. 
    As she was walking to her truck, an SUV pulled in, and one man in the driver's seat, and two women got out, army people she assumed.
     The man waved to her, "how are you doing?"  The two women were getting some cleaning supplies out of the back, and he was carrying some groceries.
    "Good, it's great you all help like this," she said to them.
     "That's part of our job," one of the women said to her.
     "Have a good one," she called, reaching for her truck's door handle.
     They called back something like, "you too," as she got in her truck.
     
     She knew she did not understand, but at the same time, she did understand, which is why she too, had been so sad.  Still, what Jill was going through, was beyond what Lizzy felt she, herself, could ever bare.  She admired Jill's composure, strength and courage.  She admired Jill's strong marriage to Tom, and their stoic natures, and she felt sorry for all the times she had ever envied anything about Jill, her marriage, her affluence, her ability to keep it together, her perfectionism, good housekeeping, charm, everything.  She knew that she was Lizzy, and could never be like Jill, but she admired her in so many ways, more than she had ever been willing to admit or express.  She hoped that someday Jill would heal from this, and although it was selfish, she thought, that she and Jill could be close friends again, as they had been in their youth.  She wished most of all, that Adrien had never died, never gone to war, but she remembered the Serenity Prayer: God grant me the serenity to except the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.  Amen
     As sad, and as bad and horrible, as things were, nothing could change them.  They all had to have acceptance, and that was the only way to look at it now.  It seemed like a Godless world to Lizzy, through all of this turmoil, but she knew that God was the only thing that would bring them through now.  There was nothing else, but God.  
     She wondered why, in her agnostic views, and variations from her protestant, religious background, and rebellion against it, that she had not realized sooner, that there was a God, a God of her own understanding, Lizzy's God, a Higher Power, and that nothing, and no one else, could see them through.  It was like a dark abyss, a dark tunnel, but there was a light, down, far into the other side.  They were going to get through it, make it to the other side.  They would survive, carry Adrien's beautiful legacy, and heroism, be proud to have been close to him, and someday, maybe they would all be together, she thought.  For now, the living must keep living, for there is no other way, no other choice.  She still had her own children, Nicolas to get through high school, and help to seek a bright future for, and Daniel to see through college, that she was so grateful to her parents for.  She would cling to a Higher Power, to get through these shadowy times.  They would stick together, and they would make the future brighter, day by day.  Every day, she would seek to do a good deed for someone, somehow, she decided.  This would give her life more meaning than ever, as well as her children had given her meaning all along.  She would choose to be a lighthouse in the storm, lighting the way, rather than a mole that hides underground.  She would keep her face towards the light, always, for every one's sake.  That is what she decided, pulling her truck into the driveway of her home, that November afternoon, before Thanksgiving.  She was thankful and grateful, even with all that had come to pass, as hard as it was for everyone.  As hard as it was for everyone, she would be grateful, and she would be cheerful, put one foot in front of the other, baby steps.  No, she would grow up, grow up with her children, but really grow up, and be the adult she needed to be, all along, not just for herself, but for every one's sake.