The Audacity to Be Myself

     Today I had a thought, the audacity of being who I am.  You would have to know a person's history and life story to know why someone would feel something this negative.  Everywhere in my life, I am working to self improve, to heal, to look at things from a different angle, learning new ideology, meditation, yoga, twelves steps, Course in Miracles and yes Baba.  But, understand that I feel often like Meher Baba is not tangible for me, like someone that I can try to love but somehow cannot feel love in return.  I know that if I had the faith other Baba lovers hold I would not feel this way, but growing up on the center makes you see things differently.  You see it as your own back yard and then everyone comes and half of them start 'spiritual careers' and are very important.  Meanwhile I have the audacity to be who I am.  Do I sound angry?  I am.  If you took the time to know me and my life and circumstances of how I got here where I am, you would understand why I feel this way.
     Where is Baba anyway?  Everywhere, beyond beyond, Paramatma?  Is He in everyone and everything, "on all planes and beyond all planes", to quote the Parvardigar Prayer.  I suppose that is correct.  Perhaps He loves some more than others.  Specialness.  In the Course in Miracles, there is no specialness, so in a sense there really is audacity in wanting to be or have anything I suppose.  
      Adam Duritz of the Counting Crows says in one of his songs, so much rejection in every connection.  I could relate to that because I feel like that sometimes.  Maybe everyone does.