Dreams

     Last night I had a recurring dream where I try to move to California, northern I think and even get hired at two places, a health food store and an adjacent gallery, but for some reason I just cannot stay.  It seems ideal, but I always feel alone in these dreams.
     I also dream sometimes that I have my old house back, the one my ex-husband built.  Those dreams are getting fewer and far between.  They used to be intense to the point of trying to throw the new residents out, insisting that it is my house not theirs, sort of like that sad movie, The House of Sand and Fog, the movie made from the Oprah Book Club best seller.  
      That movie was so sad for everyone.  I was so angry when the police shot the man's son.  I was so upset by that that I used to draw pictures, blood and all of it, because I was trying to process the anger I felt about it.  I guess at that time I had a resentment towards the police in general because of the way they get away with brutality with barely a slap on the wrist or nothing at all, like the macing in New York on the Wall Street protesters by the N.Y.P.D..
      It is not necessary to have a big house to be happy though.  Some people have no place at all to live.  I have been in that situation once for a short time, and it is not a good feeling at all.  It is like having no place to go to feel like you have a haven.
     I read a wall post yesterday that said "God can rewrite the past."  I did not comment, because I was wondering "how?"  I do not like to seem like I am being argumentative or challenging.  I am sure it makes sense to someone or maybe me if someone explained it to me.  
I mean explain that to the concentration camp survivor, or the Native American on the reservation.
     There is a large chunk of my life that I do not regret, but I regret the way that I handled it, although I may have known no other way then.  Now my boundaries are so strong that it keeps me separate almost, and it makes me feel "am I really doing any better than before, now that I am not co-dependent?"
     Sometimes progress is not perfection I know.  The one who sees the less improvement is oneself.
      Dreams are interesting.  I would like to have a dream book, although these days all you have to do is google anything, but it is fun to be old fashioned.
     The thing I like about reading the computer though, is that I can enlarge and make the font as big as I want to read and write.  Books come in large print but not this large.
     The next book I am going to read once I finish the Stephen King book I am listening to is The Bridge: The Life and Rise of Barack Obama by David Remnick.
     Another dream I have that recurs is one about a big house that is in disarray, chaotic, like a million dishes.  Last night I dreamed I had ordered about every herb there is in raw bulk, plastic bags containing them.  It was strange.  I did not even know what to do with them.
     I suppose the chaos would represent something I cannot figure out or some confusion in my subconscious mind.  Maybe it is a fear of chaos or a need to be in control at least of my own life if nothing else.  So much is going on with a loved one now that I cannot do anything about, and it makes me frustrated but I have to let go of it, because I could not handle it anymore, but it seems the professionals are doing better but not as well as I would like.
    Well enough dream analysis for one day I guess.  Love to all.  I welcome your comments, questions and suggestions.  Namaste.