The scariest of all predators to me, is the clever one, the one who may have a prison background or drug background, but comes across as a great guy, seems to understand women, is a gentleman, acts adoring and enchanted, is a great lover because of his knowledge about women, but knows exactly how to emotionally hurt a woman, because he just does. He may have a job, a work ethic, be generous, nice to your children, but somehow really toxic.
The one thing I felt was wrong with this book was that she makes out that a man with a mental illness such as bipolar is a red flag. So many people in our society have some illness or personality disorder. I mean if you turn it around and said a woman is showing a red flag, because she is on some psychiatric medication, and is getting help, it would seem unfair. So, is this reverse sexism? I think her idea is understandable, and while I think searching for sick people is a sick endeavor in and of itself, to rule everyone out who has anything wrong is a little unfair, especially if you turn it around gender-wise.
Recently I wrote a blog entitled, Skeleton Woman based on Latin American culture from the book, Women Who Run With the Wolves. The fisherman catches a skeleton of a woman and she is alive. He untangles her. She has moss and embryos growing on her, and he runs from her in disgust. She pursues him. He cries. They sleep skin to skin and she becomes whole again, feral, with muscle, skin and hair, eyes, etc.. They live happily ever after and he heals her. Thus, he also heals himself, because he finds not only compassion for her, but for himself. The moral of the story is if you find someone and reel them in, you don't always have to throw them back, because of red flags, in this case a woman somehow broken.
So, I do agree with Sandra L. Brown, M.A. in How to Spot a Dangerous Man, that there are men that women should be careful of, especially when coming out of a divorce and a single mother like I was, and very vulnerable. These men can be emotional and financial vampires, who can suck out the very life of you. Believe me, I know. They can be like an extra kid, but they are not a woman's responsibility.
Also, there are the emotionally unavailable, who will never have a committed relationship and are always either still married or involved with another woman.
I had a situation with Alan, where he was somewhat unavailable, due to still being legally married, and his closeness to his wife, but he died and that ended that.
I had another man, who for years, was only available to me when convenient, and never took our relationship seriously. I felt like the in between relationships fall back person. Finally, I just told him not to come around anymore, that I could not continue without a commitment, that I wouldn't.
Another red flag is when a man talks a lot about a past relationship, or talks about another woman in his past very soon into a relationship. That has always sent me running for the hills.
So, in retrospect, Sandra L. Brown, M.A. is right about a lot of things, which I have thought about myself, and being a psychologist, she has a good clinical understanding of the definitions of all the personality disorders and mental illnesses. Still, I think to rule out anyone with any mental problem at all, is unrealistic and unfair. Even good people have problems. This does not mean that it you find someone who seems to need a caregiver, that that is a good scenario, unless that is what you want.
It is all relative, and I think that there are more nuances. Her book is too black and white.
So, why did I call this Out of My Comfort Zone? I know I have not mentioned this at all. Well, I am out of my comfort zone, because I have not dated anyone in a long time, and I still feel uneasy, because I have not been without someone for so long in a long time. I have an affirmation, which is: I am complete in myself. Namaste.
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