No one really knows what happens when we die. My friend Alan who passed away a few months ago, unfortunately only a few years older than me, and not able to experience the second half of life, did not believe in God. I asked him before he got sick with cancer, or before we found out he had stage four cancer, what he thought the afterlife was. He said, "there is no magic. You are just dead."
I was sad as we walked the beach that night. I was wearing his jacket, because it was cold, about a year ago it was. He was leading me, because I cannot see at night. The cold air was on my face, and I heard the roar of the ocean, feeling life so much, so tangible and real. Yet, Alan's words, "no magic. Our nerve synapses would no longer be working and our heart and brain would no longer be working..." All I could think was, 'dead, dead, dead...' That is not my belief, however. I believe in God, and much more than physical life.
Still, no one really knows what life is like on the other side. I think though, that life is a learning, and the learning is more than for this life. I think it must be. I can see how our karma could theoretically be done within a life, but it seems like there is so much to learn in life, that the learning must be taken to another level, but that is just my belief. I have an aunt who is an atheist and a retired psychiatrist, and she says or used to say that life has no meaning, but you have to live like it does. In a way, in Course in Miracles terms, she is right, because this world is an illusion.
Sometimes, I look back and feel ashamed of things I have said and done, even not that long ago, times I have been jealous for stupid reasons, or selfish or mean and hurtful. Sometimes I want to apologize, but I feel so embarrassed, that I just can't, because I feel like I burned my bridges with that person. At least I take a searching and fearless moral inventory. It is strange however, how self righteous I may have felt at the time, like I had every right in my mind to behave in whatever way I was, because I was hurt. I realize I am exposing my weakest point, but I am trying to be honest. I am a long way from where I once was, but I screw up plenty still.
Still, no matter how bad we think we are, there is always someone worse. No matter how crazy our life, someone else has been more insane. No matter how much we have suffered, someone else has suffered more, like someone who has survived Auschwitz.
It is all relative. We really cannot compare. I tend to think in terms of comparisons, but lives are unique.
Now I come to specialness, or special relationships. When I say that in the Course in Miracles there is no specialness, I do not mean that you do not have a special relationship with your spouse or parent or child, brother or sister, best friend, etc.. What I mean is that no one is more special than God. If so, we make another person our Higher Power. This can be unhealthy, and we eventually have to have a personal conscious contact with God on our own, because we have to have a healthy detachment to everyone, no matter how much we love them, whether it is our husband, wife, girlfriend, son, daughter, and I know how hard it is to let go with your kids, as they get older and independent, and have lives of their own. It is also hard to become independent from our own parent or parents, no matter how old we get, but I find as a mature woman, that having some independence and letting others have independence is healthy. I am not married, but I know how much you can be attached in romantic relationships, and I have always been a jealous type, and while cheating is not healthy in a relationship, it is not healthy to be too jealous and insecure.
So, to sum this up in a nutshell, lessons are hard, but we have to learn, and I believe in karma, and although sometimes we do not have second chances, we can live with ourselves and our pasts if we realize that God forgives us one-hundred percent, and sees us as innocent. We can ask His forgiveness too. Still, we are always forgiven.
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