A lot of time is wasted, wanting to be perfect, for life to be neat and tidy, with no screw ups whatsoever ever. But, that is not possible, or we would not be here.
No one really knows what happens when we die. My friend Alan who passed away a few months ago, unfortunately only a few years older than me, and not able to experience the second half of life, did not believe in God. I asked him before he got sick with cancer, or before we found out he had stage four cancer, what he thought the afterlife was. He said, "there is no magic. You are just dead."
I was sad as we walked the beach that night. I was wearing his jacket, because it was cold, about a year ago it was. He was leading me, because I cannot see at night. The cold air was on my face, and I heard the roar of the ocean, feeling life so much, so tangible and real. Yet, Alan's words, "no magic. Our nerve synapses would no longer be working and our heart and brain would no longer be working..." All I could think was, 'dead, dead, dead...' That is not my belief, however. I believe in God, and much more than physical life.
Still, no one really knows what life is like on the other side. I think though, that life is a learning, and the learning is more than for this life. I think it must be. I can see how our karma could theoretically be done within a life, but it seems like there is so much to learn in life, that the learning must be taken to another level, but that is just my belief. I have an aunt who is an atheist and a retired psychiatrist, and she says or used to say that life has no meaning, but you have to live like it does. In a way, in Course in Miracles terms, she is right, because this world is an illusion.
Sometimes, I look back and feel ashamed of things I have said and done, even not that long ago, times I have been jealous for stupid reasons, or selfish or mean and hurtful. Sometimes I want to apologize, but I feel so embarrassed, that I just can't, because I feel like I burned my bridges with that person. At least I take a searching and fearless moral inventory. It is strange however, how self righteous I may have felt at the time, like I had every right in my mind to behave in whatever way I was, because I was hurt. I realize I am exposing my weakest point, but I am trying to be honest. I am a long way from where I once was, but I screw up plenty still.
Still, no matter how bad we think we are, there is always someone worse. No matter how crazy our life, someone else has been more insane. No matter how much we have suffered, someone else has suffered more, like someone who has survived Auschwitz.
It is all relative. We really cannot compare. I tend to think in terms of comparisons, but lives are unique.
Now I come to specialness, or special relationships. When I say that in the Course in Miracles there is no specialness, I do not mean that you do not have a special relationship with your spouse or parent or child, brother or sister, best friend, etc.. What I mean is that no one is more special than God. If so, we make another person our Higher Power. This can be unhealthy, and we eventually have to have a personal conscious contact with God on our own, because we have to have a healthy detachment to everyone, no matter how much we love them, whether it is our husband, wife, girlfriend, son, daughter, and I know how hard it is to let go with your kids, as they get older and independent, and have lives of their own. It is also hard to become independent from our own parent or parents, no matter how old we get, but I find as a mature woman, that having some independence and letting others have independence is healthy. I am not married, but I know how much you can be attached in romantic relationships, and I have always been a jealous type, and while cheating is not healthy in a relationship, it is not healthy to be too jealous and insecure.
So, to sum this up in a nutshell, lessons are hard, but we have to learn, and I believe in karma, and although sometimes we do not have second chances, we can live with ourselves and our pasts if we realize that God forgives us one-hundred percent, and sees us as innocent. We can ask His forgiveness too. Still, we are always forgiven.
Some of the most amazing people have done dumb things when they were young, including me. I have spent much time regretting bad decisions, relationships that were a time waste and drained me, not being a good enough mother, saying 'yes' when I should have said 'no.'
As we get older, we do not have as much energy, that is those fifty and over like me. There is nothing wrong with resting when one is tired.
When I was younger, I had too much nervous energy, and that is typical. I was traveling, going to school, working, raising kids, having crazy relationships, being a drama queen. Now, I am quiet and reflective in my life style. I do yoga, read, write, sing and meditate. I spend time alone, and it really does not bother me.
I am reading The Age of Miracles by Marianne Williamson. I feel good knowing that she made mistakes too. I thought she was perfect, back when I was at my worst. She is a little older than me. I am not quite a baby boomer, too young to be, but I am at a midlife point, and I am not nearly as desperate as I used to be for love, to not be abandoned. I do not live in fear anymore. I know I could have been much happier then if I had known what I know now, but many women are effected by hormones, the urge to procreate, to have a mate, to nest, to have a family, to make money, to have a career, to choose the right guy. So many things there are to deal with. It is a wonder we do not all go crazy. In a way we do. I mean everyone has problems.
Another thing I like about getting older is 'cleaning house,' letting go of people, places and things that do not serve me, and having more energy for people who are really important to me like my kids.
I have spent much ill spent time, advising people with their endless drama. You get to a point where you do not need this baggage. It is not that you do not want to help anyone, but you do not want to be drained by 'emotional vampires.'
Lastly, as people get older, they do not want to waste time on relationships that will not go anywhere. I don't want to. It gets old, and we finally realize we don't want to do this same old dance forever. I have a good sense of intuition about men now, and not getting or staying involved inappropriately.
Some people my age want to perpetuate these same old scripts, but not me. I am not codependent anymore, and I do not need any relationship to define or complete me. I can be happy in myself.
Now is the time to be selfish in a positive way. Instead of saying yes, yes, yes, I can now say no. And, sometimes I can say yes if I want to.
That is all for now. Much love and namaste.
I think we all want to be happy, and the pursuit of it is part of the constitution, a freedom. Why then are so many so unhappy?
Often one feels that if only one had such and such, then there would be happiness. Then, when "the thrill is gone," like the B. B. King song, we often pursue something or someone else.
I am not saying that good stress and trying to accomplish things is not important, only that in my own experience, although I have done many things, I find sometimes when a project is done or a relationship over, or even a friendship that ended, that I need to find a new goal. I might even feel empty. If I were living in the now though, I would not feel this way. I would be fine with what is, and enjoy the quietude in between each event. In a way I do.
Many people think that a new relationship or job, perhaps buying something big or small, will achieve greater satisfaction, but to quote another song, Mick Jagger, "I can't get no satisfaction."
So, one may think, if I do not have ambition, how will I get anywhere? There is certainly a place for ambition, and some are more ambitious than others, which we all know can certainly lead to success, financially, socially, in terms of prestige. But what if we do not meet these criteria? What if life is not the mold we thought it should be, and things did not turn out quite right? Then what?
I think a person can only do their best. I want things I cannot have. I will admit it. I will not get into what they are here, but this does not mean I cannot mindfully accept things as they are.
The more serenity and acceptance I have, the better. The more I 'let go and let God,' to quote an AA expression, the better I feel. I still have to take care of responsibility, but I do not need to be a 'control freak' about it. I have tried that, it is just a pain.
Now, I am just going with the flow and believing that everything is as it should be now. Now is everything, as in The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle.
One of my grievances and I have a few, is not being appreciated or respected. There are people who do not believe in any of my talent. Why then, should I be upset about that? What does it matter what they think? Often people will not recognize you, because of fear that their own importance may dissolve, but that is their problem. The best thing is to keep on doing the things you love, and if you can reach one person, then be happy for that.
Lastly, many people go from relationship to relationship, because like Jackson Browne says, "and your perfect lover just looks like a perfect fool... fountain of sorrow." However, the next person will not be everything either, and as I told in the story Skeleton Woman from Women Who Run With the Wolves, by Clarissa Pinkola Estes, PhD., the 'one' as they say, can be flawed. No one is perfect, and no one will ever find a perfect person, so the answer is to accept someone, unless they are truly a bad person, abusive, etc.. In that case, one should say goodbye and show the door.
But, no matter what, nothing will bring perfect contentment. Many rich people are miserable. Many married people are miserable. Many successful people are miserable. I know all too well, how disappointing life can be, and that is where acceptance, doing one's best and unconditional love for self that extends to others, is the answer. Only by mindfully being here and now, can we truly find peace, love and happiness. Namaste.
Writing, even just a blog, can be a lonesome endeavor. I also read a lot, and one author of one of the Abraham Lincoln biographies I am reading, spends the whole introduction explaining that he did not plagiarize, which he was accused of. It is difficult not to, when writing historical fiction, because one has to do research from other people's books. I had to do the same when I wrote my historical fictional article, Adrien's Story, an addendum to the book I wrote, American Boys. Adrien is a detailed journal of a fictitious character, who is a soldier in Operation Iraqi Freedom, and how he gets killed, this part in third person. I had to study the history of the Iraq war, the places, the geography of Iraq, the death toll, the events, the dates, the Muslim holidays, holy days, the battles, as well as reading some historical fiction in excerpts on the Iraq war.
It was an exhausting process and my eye got infected, my good eye, from eye strain from doing online research.
I have a new idea for a project that entails music and writing both, but I do not want to give it away. I would like it if I had a collaboration partner, who knows music and is familiar with the philosophy I want it to be about. I really liked the Broadway musical, Rent, loved the songs. I saw it on DVD form, and was quite taken with it.
I had a song writing partner for a little while, but we went separate ways. I would like to try that again. It was a lot of fun, and we even choreographed and danced one song, that actually he wrote and choreographed to tell the truth, but I was very cooperative, and we put on a good show with a drummer, pianist, and the drummer joined us in the end, the three of us standing even distance apart across the stage, singing, I wanna be near you, I wanna be near, I wanna be near you, I wanna be.
I guess I feel a bit like no one takes me seriously sometimes, that I can actually accomplish what I hope to, but I know I have it in me, that is if laziness does not defeat me.
I recently read a book called, How to Spot a Dangerous Man, many of the types of dangerous men, and I do not necessarily mean a thug with a black hoodie and a concealed weapon who is a drug dealer, but other types, such as emotionally needy, the type you have to do everything for while he does nothing, the alcoholic, the physically violent, etc..
The scariest of all predators to me, is the clever one, the one who may have a prison background or drug background, but comes across as a great guy, seems to understand women, is a gentleman, acts adoring and enchanted, is a great lover because of his knowledge about women, but knows exactly how to emotionally hurt a woman, because he just does. He may have a job, a work ethic, be generous, nice to your children, but somehow really toxic.
The one thing I felt was wrong with this book was that she makes out that a man with a mental illness such as bipolar is a red flag. So many people in our society have some illness or personality disorder. I mean if you turn it around and said a woman is showing a red flag, because she is on some psychiatric medication, and is getting help, it would seem unfair. So, is this reverse sexism? I think her idea is understandable, and while I think searching for sick people is a sick endeavor in and of itself, to rule everyone out who has anything wrong is a little unfair, especially if you turn it around gender-wise.
Recently I wrote a blog entitled, Skeleton Woman based on Latin American culture from the book, Women Who Run With the Wolves. The fisherman catches a skeleton of a woman and she is alive. He untangles her. She has moss and embryos growing on her, and he runs from her in disgust. She pursues him. He cries. They sleep skin to skin and she becomes whole again, feral, with muscle, skin and hair, eyes, etc.. They live happily ever after and he heals her. Thus, he also heals himself, because he finds not only compassion for her, but for himself. The moral of the story is if you find someone and reel them in, you don't always have to throw them back, because of red flags, in this case a woman somehow broken.
So, I do agree with Sandra L. Brown, M.A. in How to Spot a Dangerous Man, that there are men that women should be careful of, especially when coming out of a divorce and a single mother like I was, and very vulnerable. These men can be emotional and financial vampires, who can suck out the very life of you. Believe me, I know. They can be like an extra kid, but they are not a woman's responsibility.
Also, there are the emotionally unavailable, who will never have a committed relationship and are always either still married or involved with another woman.
I had a situation with Alan, where he was somewhat unavailable, due to still being legally married, and his closeness to his wife, but he died and that ended that.
I had another man, who for years, was only available to me when convenient, and never took our relationship seriously. I felt like the in between relationships fall back person. Finally, I just told him not to come around anymore, that I could not continue without a commitment, that I wouldn't.
Another red flag is when a man talks a lot about a past relationship, or talks about another woman in his past very soon into a relationship. That has always sent me running for the hills.
So, in retrospect, Sandra L. Brown, M.A. is right about a lot of things, which I have thought about myself, and being a psychologist, she has a good clinical understanding of the definitions of all the personality disorders and mental illnesses. Still, I think to rule out anyone with any mental problem at all, is unrealistic and unfair. Even good people have problems. This does not mean that it you find someone who seems to need a caregiver, that that is a good scenario, unless that is what you want.
It is all relative, and I think that there are more nuances. Her book is too black and white.
So, why did I call this Out of My Comfort Zone? I know I have not mentioned this at all. Well, I am out of my comfort zone, because I have not dated anyone in a long time, and I still feel uneasy, because I have not been without someone for so long in a long time. I have an affirmation, which is: I am complete in myself. Namaste.
In Jungian psychology, we all have a shadow. I spent much of my life being too nice, too good, and basically a doormat.
I realize in retrospect, I really shocked some people in my life, especially the men, because they never imagined me being or acting the way I became. And, this takes me back to Skeleton Woman.
Skeleton Woman, in the story in Women Who Run With the Wolves by Clarissa Pinkola Estes PhD., is a story about a fisherman who catches a skeleton woman, and low and behold and long story short, they live happily ever after. Of course, as I said before in my last blog on SageWords, sagewords.blogspot.com; this one is thenewhumanitylives.blogspot.com on which my entire novel, American Boys is written, Skeleton Woman is the woman, unaltered as she is, with all her woundedness, and eventually she grows back muscle tissue, skin and hair, blood, eyes, veins, etc..
I have been not only a doormat, but have rebelled and become the opposite. My hair has been short or long, and I have been skinny or at times needing to lose a little weight. The point is, what may have been misconstrued as meanness was really rebelliousness. When you never rebelled as a teen, or as a wife or even a girlfriend, eventually the shadow as Jung says, emerges. It emerges because it has to. She cannot go on forever the way she is. She is dying, and this is all about change. She cannot stay the same forever. It just is not possible, because she cannot grow.
In Women Who Run With the Wolves by Clarissa Pinkola Estes, PhD., one of my favorite stories or fables with deep meaning into the psyche, is Skeleton Woman.
This story addresses Wild Man as well as Wild Woman. In all women, there is a goddess who guides us, Wild Woman. When we are in touch with our mentor, she is a sort of witch, meaning healer, young or old, in ancient tradition, (only in our culture, has witch become a bad term - I have done much wicca magic and am a healer, a Reiki Master, so in a sense I am a white witch) we have her guidance and wisdom. Witch also means wise, as in my nickname, Sage. Names are meaningful, secret names, but that is another story in and of itself.
Men must also find their essence, learn to love, live, hunt, sing, drum, hammer, but most of all to cry, to feel compassion for his own woundedness. Like Sarah Maclachlin says in her song, 'beautiful fucked up man', in Building a Mystery. This is not to say that all of us fall in love with the wounded, or must save them.
Here is the story: a man is fishing and he catches something heavy and pulls it in. It is a skeleton of a woman all twisted up on itself, foot over head, arms tangled, etc., like an awkwardest yoga position. He untangles the skeleton and she comes to life. He is somewhat repulsed. She even contains embryos and seaweed growing, and he runs in revulsion. She chases him. Eventually he cries in compassion for her, but not just that but compassion for himself. This is the short version, mind you.
Long story short, she sleeps with him, skin to skin. Yes, and they live happily ever after.
The people of the village could not believe it.
In this story once again is Life/Death/Life again, the theme of every story. There is life and then death and then life again. The Skeleton Woman thrives and once again becomes a feral, full functioning, potent woman, who can even bear children. Once again, she grows skin and flesh.
The meaning of this story is: he pulls in the first thing he finds, but rather than be repulsed by Skeleton Woman, which he is at first, and as in most relationships, the faster he runs from her, the faster she runs after him, but he eventually loves her, regardless, and in fact he is the one who untangles her, which is really significant.
Many of us in today's culture, find ourselves in similar situations, and our impulse is to run, but with all her faults and drawbacks, he loves Skeleton Woman, and this enables her to become whole and alive again, which brings us back to Life/Death/Life. We cannot outrun death. None of us can. This is the beauty of it.
The fact that the man cries is deep, because of his own compassion for his wounds and hers as well.
I would add another component, which is that Skeleton Woman has skeletons, you know like skeletons in the closet, the things we are afraid to be known, lest losing love. I know this all too well.
His love for her overrides it all, and this man and woman are together.
We do not have to run when the first thing goes wrong in love. If the person you love is not who you thought, just stop for a moment, and wait and see. Do not be so quick to succumb to the slightest red flag, because in order for love to sustain, then one must see through the ugliness. No one is beautiful every moment and every second of every day. If they have to be, it is not real love. Love is loving faults and all. This gives men permission in a sense to commit, and yes even to Skeleton Woman, because with the nourishment of his love and nurturing, she thrives and grows back muscle and skin and hair, once more again whole, just as the Handless Maiden who through great love, her hands grow back.
