Breathing; Letting Go; Getting Through to the Other Side of Darkness

     It has been a really difficult week for me, for various reasons.  I could not write.  It was enough to keep the house clean and neat.  I have just been out of sorts.
     The conflicts that are causing me suffering, I realize are illusion.  All that is is love, which is all that is real, but according to the I Ching, rather than A Course in Miracles, some of which, teach the same philosophies, darkness does come to rule at times, and at these times, retreat is the only salvation, in my own words.
     So, on to other things about letting go.  I guess I have this idea in my head, that no one loves me, and yes my family does, my mother does, my brother and sister, my older son, and I am sure my younger son too, but just cannot show it now.  
     I pursued yoga, meditation, became a Reiki Master, attended the Commission for the Blind, learned Braille, I write songs, sing and play guitar.  I keep a nice home, and manage okay.  I wonder why I judge myself so harshly.  I suppose I think that since I am legally blind, fifty-one years old, am single, and kind of a loner, that people feel like my life would be a nightmare, and that makes me feel even worse.  
     It is so hard to ask for help, to ask for a ride.  I really feel most comfortable asking my family, but a few close friends have helped, but I wish I could help others more.  I wish I did not need their help.  I wish I could go out at night on my own.  I wish I did not feel like I am in permanent 'lock down', with outdoor privileges, and nice conditions.
     When people who have everything to be grateful for, and I have gratitude too for many things, complain a lot, it is hard for me not to get annoyed.  I would trade places any day.  I would love to be able to drive a car, work outside the home, go from one person to another at parties and 'get togethers', without running into people, and having to wait for people to say hello to me, unless they are near, and I know who they are, because I do recognize people, and have enough vision to know what they look like, just that the RP prohibits me from moving freely in congested places, for fear of running into people and things.
     So, back to letting go, just breathing and being at peace.  It is not easy, not easy at all, sometimes.  I know everyone has their cross to bare, and life is no picnic for most of us 'bozos on the bus.'  Well, with that I will sign off.  I love you for reading my blog.  I really do.  Thank you, shanti and namaste.  Much love, me.