The End of the Karma

     Sometimes the karma ends, but until then it is as intense as it is meant to be.  I wish it were otherwise.  I really do.  I wish we could all just be perfect, but we are not and never were.  
     I have been in a long term relationship in my past that was hard to end.  It could not end until our karma was finished, but I did not know this.  I spoke to a psychic who told me everything, but I just kept on playing out the karma until the karma was over.
      For me, the karma ended when I truly fell in love with someone else, and by then I had a seven year history with the person I needed to end all ties to.  Even now I wish I could ask for the money back I loaned.
     Now, in poverty I have only appealed to those I thought may listen.  They don't.
      When Alan (a totally different man years later) died a few months ago, it was different.  I think we would have gone year after year struggling with our differences, longing for each other in some ways and hating each other in other ways, like politics.  That is part of why he reminds me of 'Charlie' in my novel.  I think the thought of Charlie and Alan intertwined came when one of my son's friends came over and met Alan, asking him if he was Charlie's father, Charlie being one of David's friends.  From then on I thought Alan looked like a fifty year old Charlie.  
     I was empowered the day I told the man I had had a cruel but long term relationship with, (his name I would rather not reveal, but is a big shot in certain circles as far as the Baba world is concerned), to never call again, ever.  That was when I was finally free. 
     With Alan, it was different.  Alan was never cruel to me.  I think that, had Alan not died of cancer, perhaps we would have gone on forever off and on.  Perhaps Alan's divorce would have finally been final.  Perhaps I'd have gained the courage to move in with him or vice versa.  I will never know. I do know, however, that our karma is done for this life, and the passion between us, made him dying the only way it would have ended in this lifetime.
     In terms of some relationships with jerks like I described earlier though, it is when we as women ourselves truly do not want this anymore, that we empower ourselves.  Until then it is very very hard.  Since then people have marveled at my detachment and ability to walk away.  We walk away when we have had enough, all that we could take.  It is then that we walk away, when we have truly hit bottom.