'American Boys' in Retospect

     I hate my story, because it is so much easier than my real life.  In my real life the younger son had severe asthma, and the older boy was blind as well, as a neurological problem.  In the real story, Lizzy was actually legally blind.  You see, Lizzy is me.
     In the real story Lizzy's father is deceased and her mother and she have had relationship problems for a long time which forbid her from seeing her mother often.  And, in reality, the prosperity and bourgeoisie of the parents is bullshit.
     In reality, her parents got a divorce before her father died.  In reality, she is half blind. 
     In reality, the guy who likes her represented by Charlie, is actually her boyfriend Alan who died of pancreatic cancer, was married to a woman in Germany with kids.  There really is no Jim.  Lizzy will never have a Jim.
     In reality, Lizzy is not a bartender.  She likes to go to the bar, and wishes she was sighted enough to be a bartender, even though she taught school, worked in retail and waitressed when she was very young.  In reality, she was only married to one man, the father of both boys, who she tried to be the perfect wife for.  She gave the perfect birthday party, kept a perfect figure, kept a perfect house, and had dinner served by 6:00 each night by the time, if not before, he arrived home from work.
     In reality, Lizzy had to find herself with no man, she became a Reiki Master and treated her dying married boyfriend, Alan Ferguson when he was in agony, dying of stage 4 cancer.  
     It goes on and on, but American Boys, my own novel, is lame in its portrayal of reality, and what really is.  I lied in this novel, to make it palpable, digestible, acceptable, but I denied myself and children, the truth.  I lied to make it swallowable for the average.  This was my mistake, and for that reason, I ditch this book, and someday I will write the truth.
     There are similarities, I admit.  For God's sake, I wrote it, but in reality Daniel going to Berkeley School of Music, is totally unrealistic financially.  Believe me, reality is okay, and truthfully I am more than happy to be me, and have the family that I really have, and not be Lizzy.  If I ever write again, I will write my own real truth, not the candy coated version.  
     Also, part of me no longer wants to write or sing.  I want to paint, paint women and wolves.  I did not have enough encouragement for my music or writing, truthfully, and I cannot continue.  When I say I was not encouraged, I do not mean my parents or family, but mostly the Baba people in general.  I was not wanted.  If you say Avatar Meher Baba Ki Jai, or Jai Meher Baba, I will most certainly unfriend you, so as Leonard Cohen said in Hallelulah, "all I ever learned of love, is how to shoot somebody who outdrew ya..."  Truthfully, that is all I know.  If you want to preach to me, please spare me.  Thanks for reading.  
I know that they did not want me, because it threatened their own egos, and I could handle it, but they could not.  They were not ready.  When the ego is ready to die, then one is truly ready to find God, so do not fool yourselves in India, Myrtle Beach or Australia, spiritual careers are as false as advertising in illusion, just one more ego boost you will fall from.  I am sorry, but it is true.  Good luck on your journey, but when you finally see the false, perhaps lifetimes away, perhaps you will remember me.  I know what is true.