I know now what I would have done in retrospect, yet I know why I felt the way I did.
I am talking about the summer of 1996, one of the most difficult times in my life, not to mention '99 - 2000 and 2003. As I have said before, there in Boulder Colorado, this was the only book in my possession, and all I owned was in my car. I was crashing at a friend's. As I study this book more closely now, I regret that although I was trying to read it there, I was just too sick, too depressed, grieving really.
One notable thing that occurred that year, among many, was that finally I went to India, and I went for the wrong reasons. In many ways, I wish I had not gone, but at least I managed to keep my job through all these changes and going from here to there and back again. Unfortunately, I let my ex have the kids for awhile, and that was especially hard for me with my younger boy, because he was still quite little at the time, six going on seven until he was almost nine. This is my greatest regret in life, but I realize other women have had similar scenarios. This is another thing, which I really want to heal, and a huge part of my reading Return to Love again, with my heart wide open, for once seeing through the Holy Spirit, seeing differently with God's help, seeing clearly. I am healthy now, so much more healthy, and I am getting healthier each day with the grace of God. I am learning to forgive myself.
The following Autumn in India, Arnavas, being very enlightened, said one thing to me that was very Course in Miracles, although neither she or I knew that. I wanted, or thought I wanted, to marry this real jerk. I told her. She said, "go to Baba's bed and say," "I want to marry... do Your will." And I did. I ended up spending a lot more time with that man, but fortunately I never legally married him. I have only been married once by law, and that was to the father of my children.
Sometimes, I wish my ex-husband's wife was not so threatened by me. I am not a threat. I cannot have anything to do with him, not even conversations about our kids, because she feels it is inappropriate. He would, but I am respecting her wishes. Marianne Williamson says that when you are this jealous, you are preventing the healing between a man and a woman. I agree with this. My boyfriend Alan, who died last fall, was friends with his ex-wife. It bothered me, I suppose, but in retrospect of him dying, and for his children's sake, and their healing, his and his wife's, I am glad for them. It was a good thing. Perhaps my ego did not like it, and perhaps I was threatened, but God has helped me to see things differently, and even while Alan was alive, I learned to deal with that.
Getting back to Boulder in '96, when I was thirty-four years old, I could have let go of a bad relationship and moved on, I could have avoided a lot of suffering, but I did not. Still, now I feel I can let the past go, and am thankful that I am finally ready to heal, and see through the Holy Spirit rather than my ego. I must have known that ACIM would be my path some day, because I had that one precious book, Return to Love.
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