Why I am Single

     OK, like I know no one is really thinking about me 'Leslie Walsh', but here goes.  Do you remember the sketch on SNL, Stewart Smiley, "I'm good enough, I'm smart enough, and dogawnit people like me."?  
     Lately I realized that the more I self deprecate, the more harm I do to myself and my reputation.  Reputation is kind of an old fashioned term in a new age where what other people think does not matter.  Even Rush Limbaugh knows that.  I used to be romantically involved with one of his followers, Alan, who quoted him saying, "it doesn't matter what others think."  That was a fond memory of Alan, because he seemed so happy that morning.
     Another fond memory of my ex right wing conservative boyfriend is the time we were in Roses' and he asked me if I wanted an Obama shirt.  This was back in '08 of course and coming from Alan this was extremely kind and generous and loving I might add.
     I will never forget when we had to go to the state capital on personal family business.  The state capital in my state is eighty percent African American.  Alan was wearing his 'Obama Keep the Change' tee-shirt.  I asked him at the motel to please where his button-down shirt over the 'keep the' part, so that only 'Obama' and 'change' would appear.  
     Very graciously he did what I asked, but to tell you the truth, a lot of African Americans in that area are right wing Republicans too so I do not think it really mattered.  
     "Oh no I said too much..."  R.E.M.  Yes, a great mind on a roll, as a friend said.  I really am not this 'major loser' that I make myself sound like in some of my fb conversations, just to get the damn liberals off my back.
     OK, I am not married.  I have only been married once and my children have the same dad.  In this day and age I am an old maid, but in my own self defense I would like to say that it is not like no one has wanted to marry me, and I have had some boyfriends to say the least.  
     As far as the married thing goes:  OK, here goes:  When I got married, my husband told me I should stop reading Glamour and read magazines for married women like McCall's and Better Housekeeping.  Do not get me wrong, I liked my husband, but for another example, when I was twenty-nine or thirty, I went back to school at Coastal Carolina University to complete some classes, because my professors said I had been an outstanding student, had just not completed French 202, and Psychology 101. I went back and aced both and took an Art class as well.  My husband was furious, because I did not go to tech to take business classes to run his business better than I was already running it as well as running the house and taking care of two children whom I loved and still love with all my heart.  
     I am not some heartless feminist.  I loved having babies, especially when I had the second one David, mostly because I was not scared and practically a teenager anymore and knew what I was doing.  Plus we were more stable financially.  My children are six years apart in age.  I loved having a baby so much, every minute, every hour, every diaper, every milestone, every booboo, every first word, the car seat, the stroller, the crib.  I loved my beautiful baby and my little boy who was in school by then so much you would not believe it unless you have been a mother.
     No man ever respected me or truly loved me in a way that I could see, not my husband who left me and moved on to a new family and not the men who moved in on the territory like predators. 
     And, along the way it has remained the same, just disappointment after disappointment growing into my own jaded lack of commitment, because it finally turned to "I hurt you before you hurt me."  It was the 'survival of the fittest attitude' which came about through years of being 'screwed over.'
    That is why I am not married and stay poor instead, thank you very much just in case you were wondering, but probably not.