A Beggar's Lament

Oh Lord of love, God personified, 
I am on my knees, a beggar's lament, 
Must the dark clouds of doom and disaster crash down on those who have already cried, Is our devotion to You, and simple tragedy, though not Your crucifixion, still a metaphor
only for the magnitude that is You?

I beg you on bent knee at Your threshold, Lord of Love personified, not to again count the ones who died,
For how many sacrifices will one have to pay, for one hope's bright light ray,
For one image of Your golden chakra,
denying tragic karma?

A beggar, I lament to you: if I am not fit to live, then I will die,
For I am lost and have nothing to give but a song, a poem, a dance that none will see.

How many people must die before the ignorance of evil has released its dark impressions?  When the bodies lie in heaps in black and white, where are you Lord of love, God in heaven, when the children go hungry, and the sick not tended, the blind ignored and stumbling in submission to a plight of darkness,
And in all of this, tell me where is oneness, will You save us from damnation on earth, from those that just do not care?
Lord of love, as a beggar I lament.

An Article I Hope Women and Men Might Both Enjoy

         Truthfully Steve Harvey's book for women is a bit sexist.  I will tell you why later.  Being visually impaired, I receive talking books based on my preferences, other than the ones I specifically order, and although I did not order this one, I guess they know I am single, so they sent me Straight Talk... by Steve Harvey.
     This book is for women, but from reading it I am learning a lot.  For one, there is nothing wrong with a woman earning more than her spouse, but the type of man who tries to be supported completely, and I mean not temporarily because he is out of a job, but all the time, first of all does not really love the woman, but does not have normal instinctual behavior of a man.  
    Also, many of us over forty are tired of the dating scene, the games, the dos and don'ts.  We all know it gets old, although I did feel a sense of empowerment when the last man I dated told me he was in love with his last girlfriend, (the kind I call always one girlfriend behind although truth be known, I was never really his girlfriend) and I told him after the party we went to which was with my friends, and he had never told me before hand that he felt this way, that I thought it best we not see one another again.  I could not figure for the life of me why he did not call ahead to say he just could not take me to the party.  I even offered that he drop me off and I would find another ride home.  Strange.  Being legally blind, I do not drive, maybe he was being nice and thought I would have trouble getting a ride, but he had a lot of time to tell me...  Never mind that.
    What I am saying is at a certain point it all gets old, not to sound trite or cynical.  Another thing Steve says is that independent women who can take care of themselves, turn men off.  I am legally blind, but I think I might fit that category, because I am very independent.  Still, I think that although men do not usually like relationship books and so forth, there is a lot to be said for some of Steve Harvey's remarks.  But, here is what I am critical of in his rhetoric.  He says things like women should wait three months to sleep with a man, because if she does not, then he thinks she is not worth waiting for.  Well, that sounds like a double standard if I ever heard one.
     I mean it makes it sound like men can be man whores and that is just fine, but women are supposed to withhold sex as long as possible to ensure a commitment.  Truthfully, I do not believe in sex outside of marriage due to my religion, but still being an enlightened feminist I find this type of attitude a bit offensive.  He says women have all this power, and in a sense we do sometimes.  However, I have found that once a man gets disenchanted with me, I have no power.  I realize this is self deprecating, and maybe I should become a comedian like Steve, since comedians are self deprecating sometimes, lol.  
     Also he says things like "leave the house coats and hair rollers until he's really into you."  That is stupid and sexist.  It gets really tiresome to impress a guy, and you know how Cole Porter songs always have lines like, "you obviously don't adore me", "you can't see your future with me", and Adam Duritz from the counting crows, "so much rejection in every connection," or Alanis Morrissette's song, "I feel so unsexy for someone so beautiful, so unloved for someone so fine, so boring for someone so interesting, so ignorant for someone of sound mind."  I think people often feel these ways.  But, truthfully although confidence is good, I find this rejectedness a little endearing, maybe because these are songs.  It is not that I have not rejected anyone myself.  I have and still feel bad about some of it.  
     I just think it is kind of dumb telling married women, "as long as you keep looking good..."  There is no excuse for cheating, etc. and frankly I think Steve Harvey is a chauvinistic guy who is full of crap.  LOL

Losing Peace of Mind and Why

     Recently I got way too emotionally meshed with my views and actually took it to a level where I think I acted inappropriately, because although I have a right to feel a certain way, that gives me no right to wig out about it.
     I also was taking fb too seriously I think, and there were other factors going on I will not go into, but I lost about three friends in a day and was called names, but so what.
     I took a good look at myself, a searching and fearless moral inventory to look for the source of my being that upset, where I was coming from in all of that hysteria.
     I realized that although my resentment was well founded, I could only have gotten that upset if I felt in some way threatened emotionally, that it had to be my sense of security, my sense of wholeness, my sense of self, self-esteem, or my sense of wholeness as a person.  Maybe I felt that I was challenged in some way.
     Maybe I felt like I would have liked to have more than two children as selfish as that sounds, and as spoiled as that sounds, since many people cannot have children at all, and I have more than enough children with my two sons.  Perhaps I felt bad for people who cannot have kids and want them badly, when some can have them and do not want them.
     But, in truth, it is none of my business what they do.  I should not take personally the decisions of others, nor should I judge them, because as I said my resentment is rooted deeper.  So, maybe I am trying to apologize to anyone who witnessed this, not because I think my beliefs are wrong, but because I may have been imposing my beliefs or ethical ideals or values in an inappropriate manner and lost my poise or equipoise and peace of mind, but I know it is even more complicated, but I want to say that I am taking a good long look at my own self and what my triggers are in terms of what makes me angry or upset.
     All in all, it may just be feelings of my own sense of deprivation, not literally but in Course in Miracles terms, my own sense of inadequacy figured in with perhaps some feelings of loss and lost last chances.  I realize I may not be making sense to my readers, and I apologize.  I just do not know how to word this without baring my soul.  I have realized that anything I publish or put on fb can be baring my soul, and I do not want to do that anymore.  I want to keep my integrity and dignity.

Clearing Up My Positions and I'd Rather Be Happy than Right

     I want to clarify my political views in case they were misunderstood.  I am not a Republican or a Libertarian.  I do believe in the rich paying taxes and I do believe in the government helping the poor, children, elderly, blind and disabled.  I am not a Tea Party member either.  I am still a Democrat, but I have two fairly conservative views, which I have already discussed, but I want to say for the record that even though I believe in the second amendment I do think guns are not being regulated closely enough, such as assault weapons.  However I believe that someone should be able, if they can get the license and pass the shooting test, etc., have a rifle for hunting or a rifle or gun for safety, with very careful handling and know how, and never around children.  Also, never around alcohol.  People get crazy sometimes where alcohol is involved.
     I also wanted to say that although I am pro-life, I do not judge anyone's choice.  I would just prefer people stop using it for contraception, like women who have had one after another.  Also, I do not like the late ones.  I think that is really horrible.  I do think that there should be an exception in rape, incest, or some severe abnormality, depending on how the mother feels about it.
     Also, I am basically pro-Israel but have empathy for the Palestinians.  I do not like the whole Guantanamo thing, but I am not going there.  So, for anyone who may have misunderstood, I wanted to make things clear.
     I am not running for office, lol or an ego trip or anything, like my views are the only good ones.  I am constantly growing and changing and realize, if you have gotten this far in my article without thinking I am too redundant, like a broken record or 'Jack' in The Shining by Stephen, writing the same sentence repeatedly, that all in all I would rather be happy than right.
     Just one thing I wanted to add: Some people think that Americans are crazy and paranoid with conspiracy theories like Alex Jones for instance, to site an extreme example, but many feel that if the holocaust could happen, who can really trust their government entirely?  That is how I feel.  I really do.  It is not paranoia, just not being naive about the world, looking back over history and events around the world.

Why I Felt a Little Blue

    Recently I went to sleep feeling sorry for myself.  What was the trigger?  For one, my mother well meaning, said that, "your father thought getting married would solve all your problems."  She meant well I know.  
     My marriage ended and I lost my home and the children were living with my ex-husband in Colorado.  I was out there on my own and Dad with his companion (Mom and Dad were divorced by then) came out to get me.  I was having a severe nervous break down having driven all the way to Colorado with my older son to rejoin my younger son and his father, but their father was already living with his present wife and I was allowed to crash on their couch for one night only, her rules.  Imagine you are a woman and your kids are living with their father and he is your ex and is sleeping with his girlfriend while you are pitifully crashing on their couch for the night.  Pathetic.  You see, even then because I have RP, I was not allowed to drive at night, because retinitis pigmentosa causes night blind and gradually worsens over time.  It was nightfall when Teddy and I arrived in Breckenridge. We had stopped by 8:00PM every night since it was summer, but the sun was sinking and the car was failing from the altitude.  I was crying sitting in the drivers seat when Ron came to greet Teddy at the passenger door.  Truthfully, to my knowledge I had no agenda of trying to be with Ron, my ex, in fact I thought I was heart broken about someone I had broken up with.  Now I am all mixed up about it, wondering was I really hoping to put my family back together deep down?  All I know is I was homeless, temporarily jobless and had enough on my mind to sink a battleship.
     I went to stay with a friend in Boulder who was this really happy all the time kind of guy and was irritated by my 'going through stuff.' We road bikes to the health food store where we purchased me some rescue remedy.  I had worked at a health food store back home and was familiar and in fact hoping to work at that very health food store since that was sort of my field then.  
     We bought groceries and I cooked a vegetarian burrito meal for everyone.  We went to a sufi dance that was very enjoyable.  I always enjoy the whirling dervish type things.  Guess I am just that 'airy fairy' type.  But, Paul, my host did not have as much time for me as I hoped after that, and I ended up hanging out with the nice old man who owned the house, wrote for the theosophical society and left banana and orange peals on the stairs, but he was pretty cool.  We listened to old blues records together on a turntable.  I sat looking at space while my only companion was Marianne Williamson's book Return to Love.  I wanted to go to Pearl Street and look for a bar or some fun, but I could not move, as if I were frozen, and then again I could not drive at night.  I only slept for short intervals, and then would get up and make myself herbal teas.  I had no meds, had never been diagnosed with anything what so ever in terms of mental problems and I was thirty-four going on thirty-five, and they would have shown up by then.  That is why I always say if you have a life like mine and keep it together til you are in your thirties, you are most definitely sane and need no labels, as no one does really, but it helps for some who have illnesses like schizophrenia because meds make a world of difference having someone close to me who has the disease.
     Well, I cannot tell you everything, because it is quite frankly a little too personal to even blog about, but in the end Dad came to my rescue, with his companion because he was totally blind and little did I know that he would die only two years later.  
     Once the crisis had passed and we were staying at a lodge in Boulder, I said, "you guys just go home.  I am fine now.  I'll just stay here.  I have my car at Paul's.  He can bring it in the morning."  They would not hear of it.  Paul did bring it in the morning and apologized to me while we were getting bagels and coffee to go that Dad had given me ten dollars for, for not realizing how bad a state I had actually been in.
     Dad thought he seemed glad to get rid of me once we dropped him off back at his house, but that was Dad for you, and probably right as usual.
     I got to spend time with my children before we went back.  They came to the lodge and my father, his friend and I took them out to lunch and shopping on Pearl Street, and I was able to see them and spend time with them before I returned to South Carolina to get a place and my old job back and 'get my life together.'  Then we reunited later.
     We went back to South Carolina in my car, and Dad was not in good health but a good sport all the way.
     

Please Get in Touch with Reality

     I am at my wits end.  No one knows anything with all these so call enlightened posters on their fb pages.  How many pro liberals have seen their own family go hungry, gone hungry themselves, run completely out of money?, and I mean completely, no stocks, no bonds, no savings, no house, no mortgage, no car, no boat, no motorcycle.  How many have really been where I am talking about?  Where living on fruits and vegetables is a luxury.  Did you know that bologna and white bread is way more fattening than soy milk, raw fruits and vegetables, never mind organic, yogurt, etc.? People are dense and know nothing of what true struggle is unless they are recalling for ten seconds thirty-five years ago when they were young.  I am sick of it all, all the lies the phoniness.  My friend is dying of cancer.  I think part of the reason they offered him no treatment was he had no insurance but they sent him home with no options.  He was my companion.  But, truthfully if he had had a lot of money they may have sent him to Cancer Treatment of America, and if people with cancer cannot work they can get disability on which they could get Medicare and or Medicaid.  But to tell the truth, there was no hope, only pain management.  But, believe it or not in our state budget cuts are no longer enabling hospice care for indigent people not on disability or Medicaid or Medicare.  I do not know the ins and outs and do not want to give fuel to the fire, so I will not go there. You really think this new healthcare is going to change anything for anyone?  I don't.  Even Alan was against Obama and all of this.  He may have had a different agenda than my own, but knew something I am sure.  

Unfairly Judged

     I realize my opinions are unpopular among my peers.  Very few people like what I have to say in terms of the people I happen to know.  I am not strictly conservative nor fiscally conservative, but I do have some conservative views.  Some 'friends' are very intolerant of anything I have to say and try to insist that I believe what they do.
     I am not going to reinstate what I have already said I am conservative about.  I have already been scorned for my unpopular beliefs which are not inbred in me, but have come about through my own experience of life as I see it.
     Why are people so hateful if you believe in the right to life?  Why are they so hateful that you believe that the second amendment should not be altered?  Why do people assume you are a racist if you have conservative views?  I used to be like them.  I used to think anyone not voting for Obama was a racist.  I even canvased for him, but do I think he is a good president?  No, not really.  
     I saw a post about how conservatives are racist.  I used to think that too, but it is pardon the expression, bullshit.  Adolf Hitler was liberal, a socialist.  Many liberals are extremely antisemitic, although the new Jewish mayor of Frankfurt, Germany is a Social Democrat, a very liberal party, but it is different in Europe.  America is not Europe.  If the settlers who came after the Native Americans were already here, wanted America to be Europe, they would have stayed in Europe.
     I was very happy that Frankfurt elected the first Jewish mayor since 1939 and the holocaust.  
     I was very touched when President Obama was elected.  I cried along with Oprah and Jesse Jackson.  I still think it is a good thing, and I hope we have more diversity in our presidents from now on.
     It breaks my heart that people are angry when I say I do not like or believe in abortion.  It confuses me when they get angry about my believing that people should be allowed to have a legal registered gun if they are sane and want one for protection.
     I am sad that while everyone jumps all over me for not conforming to their liberal Democrat agenda, few will pay attention to my save the wildlife agenda.  
     It is almost as if I am on a planet where I do not belong, because so few people agree with me.  I almost feel like I need to go on a space ship looking for another planet.
     Then I get attacked about my eyesight.  Someone said, "why do you even engage in dialogue if you can only read a line or two?"
First of all I never engaged in several long paragraphs.  I let other people engage with one another.  I read what I could, and I got the basis of their argument.  It is mostly redundant rhetoric.  I do not think they really listened to my Charlie Daniels interview.  That is another thing I am sick of is people equating southern with redneck.  I grew up in the south, so am I a redneck?  Please.  I beg of you, once and for all, have an open mind and stop pigeon holing.