Chapter 7 Daniel

     When Daniel went to the apartment in Durham, New Hampshire, with his friend Chris, carrying their instruments, the other band members, who lived in the downstairs apartment of the two story duplex, were entertaining.  Three young women in their late teens to early twenty's, sat on the floor, Indian style, Ali and Todd occupying the only furniture, a futon and hammock chair.  There were also bar stools in the adjacent kitchen.  The bedrooms were off to the sides, of which there were three.  Daniel was well aware that he would be crashing on the futon, if not the floor.  He had his sleeping bag and backpack in the car still.  
     He immediately, specifically  noticed one of the girls, with dark hair and eyes, the one on the right, the petite one with shoulder length dark hair, dark eyes, and a
beautiful, heart shaped face.  Her hands were animated, he noticed.  She had a beer in one hand.  She seemed to be positively beaming.  His eyes became, briefly fixed on her. 
     When Ali began introductions, Daniel realized, to his embarrassment, that he had been rudely staring, but her bowed lips stayed in an upward curl, neither mocking nor smirking.  He nodded to them all, though deafened by his preoccupation with the one with the bowed lips and dark eyes.  His eyesight was poor in the dim lighting, but he still saw her eyes as being green to him, dark green, like the color of forests, the tops of trees on a New England mountain top in springtime.  They could have been gray or brown, but to his eyes, they seemed green now, as if magical somehow.  Perhaps his eyes were playing tricks on him, the way they sometimes did, it seemed.  His night blindness was only a part of the problem.  A large part of it was tunnel vision, and it seemed like Bethany was the focus in his central vision.  He supposed, in good humor, that her beauty was selective seeing, but being young he still had quite a bit of good central vision, relatively speaking.  The way one sees, in one's lifetime, is the only way in which one knows seeing to be.  How can one know what one never sees, and yet somehow it becomes somewhat disabling?  It was a strange phenomenon, he thought, something of which, no one but himself, alone, could relate to.  He did not know anyone else, who had a visual impairment.  Retinitis pigmentosa had been inherited by him, seemingly from a gene, that no one in his family knew of, which set him apart, and yet he accepted it, and felt grateful for all he did have.  It never bothered him, except the not driving part was a bummer, and he wished he could see in the dark better, so that he would feel less awkward at times, when he needed some help, but his friends were aware, and so were his family, his mother mainly, because Nicolas always seemed in a world of his own, although he adored Daniel. That was evident.
     "Hey you guys," Ali said to Chris and Daniel, "this is Brittany, Jessica and Bethany."  
     Daniel smiled, and nodded to all three young women, "What's up?" he asked casually, although more a greeting than a question, of course.  "Are you all students at N.H.U.?"
     "We're just visiting from Keene.  We go to Keene State," piped up Bethany.  She spoke with her eyes and body, subtle movements all at once.  "We met Ali and Todd at the Newport Folk Festival, last year.  We are going back tonight.  We just dropped by."  She took a long drag on what was left of her cigarette and put it out in the ashtray next to her.  She wore faded jeans and a thin black sweater, with a long, frayed, Mexican, hand made, woven purse, and brown, swede moccasin boots, which her pants were tucked into. 
     Daniel did not notice the other two girls much, except that they, as well, had a sort of hippie nouveau motif, modern day hippies into peace, love, new age ideology.  His mother, although forty-five years old, was similar, but she was a bit unusual, well not totally, because she had friends like herself.  
    "Chris said you guys would not mind if I crash here til I can get it together to get a place," Daniel appealed to Ali, and looked at Todd as well.
    "Sure, Man," Ali agreed.  
     Todd nodded, getting up to embrace Daniel.  "Yeah, no problem, Man.  Glad you're here.  We been needing you in the band, Man."
     Daniel felt relieved now, knowing he was not going to be out on the street, with no money, and no where to stay, not even enough money for bus fair, not wanting to bother his mother right now, trying to be a man, trying to be independent, work, and get on his feet.  He wanted to play music, but was very willing to do other menial work, as well, but he could not seem to find a job, back home in Vermont, so he thought he would try his luck in New Hampshire, get in a band with his old running mates.
     "Thanks, Bro", Daniel responded.
     "Hey, have a beer, you two, and come get to know everyone," Ali said to Daniel and Chris.
     Daniel sat down next to Bethany.  Todd was handing  him a beer, but it was a bit dark in the room, except for soft lighting and candles, so he did not see it at first, because of his eye condition, until Todd actually touched it to the back of his hand.  He felt its coldness touch his skin, like a slight shock to his senses.  "Thanks," Daniel said, taking the beer that Todd offered.
     "It's nice to meet you."  He looked at Bethany, nodding to Jessica and Brittany as well.   Something about her fascinated his eyes like glue.  You are a magnet and I am steel were the song lyrics that came to his mind, at that moment.  
     Her eyes were dark and endless, and yet seemingly green.  Her voice was childlike, and almost angelic sounding.  Her hands, when she spoke, moved like flowers' leaves, gently swaying.  Prana, or energy, seemed to flow through her every word, like a wave.  Every aspect of her spelled gentleness and vulnerability, being breakable.  And, yet she was not.  She was strong enough to hold her own in this world, and he could sense that. 
     He could tell that she was intelligent and cultured, perhaps more so than he was, and ever so often she asked him what he thought of the war, politics, the economy, racism, gay rights, quantum physics, music, his own forte, what was going on in Europe, in terms of trends in music and pop culture, such as house music played in clubs there, philosophy, and art.  He answered intelligently and freely, but he was intrigued by her
ability to articulate, her eloquence.
    "I don't care for the alternative rock of these days, as much as some of the older stuff, like Led Zeppelin, Pink Floyd, and The Who," he said brightly.  "I mean, I like some of REM and stuff, but frankly I am not so into James Blunt.  He's good, I guess."  He did not want to sound like a snob in case she liked James Blunt.  You're beautiful, another song lyric came to mind.   
     "Beth," Ali piped up, "you got to hear this guy play.  Get out your guitar, Curt Cobain."
    Before he could protest, Chris had brought out Daniel's acoustic guitar.  He began playing an original song, which he had written three years ago, called Don't Look Back, which he had written for his mom, when things had been really rough, years ago, but he did not admit that now.  It just did not seem cool, in light of things.  
     Bethany remained in semi lotus position, with the most natural of expressions, no pretense, just innocent appreciation.  He felt like he had never seen, known or met anyone, quite like her.  She seemed so unique, and yet familiar too.  Brittany and Jessica were attentive, as well, and everyone in the room, listened as he played.  
     He sang and played the feeling filled, skillfully written song, with much feeling and completely zen-like concentration.
      "You wrote that?," Brittany asked rhetorically, yet complimenting, and enthusiastically.  
     Brittany was dressed similarly to Bethany, only she was wearing a long skirt with an Indian print, instead of jeans, and had very long hair.  Daniel sort of noticed that Chris seemed to have been talking to Brittany, quite a bit, that evening.  He thought, perhaps he should make sure neither Ali, nor Todd were interested in Bethany.  He had not even thought of the possibility that she might be involved with either of them.  He just had not gotten that impression, but he realized he should, at least out of good manners to the guys that were putting him up, and her as well, find out what the situation was.
     Bethany was smiling,  "it was beautiful.  I like the words.  I really like the chords too.  You are an amazing singer and guitarist."
     "Yeah, you're really good."  Jessica was lighting another cigarette, her blond bangs sweeping across her oval face.
     "Play more," requested Bethany.  "Play Stairway to Heaven.  Oh, just play whatever you want to."
     He played the song she requested from beginning to end.  When he finished the song, he put the guitar down.  He wanted to talk more with Bethany.
     "We really have to get back", Jessica announced looking at her cell phone for the time.  It's 2:00 in the morning."
     "It's the weekend.  You girls can stay if you want.  We have blankets and stuff, pillows, whatever you need," Todd suggested.  
     Ali and Chris agreed.  Daniel agreed, but did not want to overstep boundaries, it not being his apartment, nor wanting to sound too eager.  
     All three girls agreed that staying over would be cool. 
     He talked more with Bethany, and he asked, "so are you dating Todd or Ali?  I mean - " 
     "No, no, we're all just friends. I'm not dating anybody.  Do I act like I am?"
     "No, of course not, I just didn't want to be presumptuous."
     "You mean you didn't want to get thrown out on your ass?," Todd retorted, hearing their conversation.  
     "Yeah, Daniel?," Ali bantered on, "ya think I'd be sittin' here all night, watchin' you gawkin' and talkin' with my girl all night, Man?  I'd kick your ass, Man."
     He came over and play punched Daniel, and they play wrestled.  "Now, Chris," Ali went on, "you know he's got a thing for Brittany, even though he don't know her like me and Todd do.  She is trouble with a capital T," he bantered.  
      "What?," Brittany said, in a high pitched voice. "You!"
     Jessica and Bethany were laughing heartily, at that.  "Yeah, you're trouble, Brittany," Jessica teased. "I'm just messin' with you.  You know I love you."
     "Yeah, Brittany," continued Ali, "you know we all love you.  We're just messin' with ya."  
     Chris was not saying anything.  He tended to be the shy one, but he had a devilish cuteness, or impishness, and an innocence, at once.  He was obviously interested in Brittany, for sure, but not in pursuit of anyone right then. He was the type, that you could never read, never really know what he was thinking, mysterious, aloof. 
     Eventually, the three guys, who lived there, retired to their rooms.  Jessica and Brittany fell asleep on the futon, so Daniel got Chris's car keys, went and got his backpack and sleeping bag. He brought them up, unzipped his sleeping bag, all the way, and spread it out on the floor, so that he and Bethany would have a place to crash, besides blankets and pillows.
     They just lay there in their clothes, talking in a quiet whisper, until they fell asleep.

Shocking News on All Levels

      Today I found out, because my older son as I have discussed before has been sick and in need of glasses.  His were broken, I think in transit from one hospital to another, but the authorities often do not give the whole picture, for covering their a- purposes, no profanity here.  I sent him his old glasses  in the mail.  The social worker had contacted the Commission for the Blind, and they  are no longer paying for glasses for the blind due to budget cuts.  Get out of here.  I do not blame the president of the United States or even our governor.  I blame the past administration for draining our economy on a war based on a lie.  Actually I do blame the governor, because it was not this bad under Mark Sandford.  At least the blind got some help from the state.  Of course they still get help, but glasses is not a good budget cut by any means.  However, the hospital is taking my son to the eye doctor and going to get him either these fixed or new glasses with the frames, so I am grateful for this, that another agency picked up where the commission failed.
     I am not a conspiracy theory believer.  I believe in fact that you can show me.  However, it was tangibly found that there was not cause for the suspicions that originally led to the war.
     I wish I could understand why the Commission for the Blind is not paying for glasses for the blind anymore.  They payed for my glasses.  Medicaid pays for children's glasses only if they have it and even then do not get envious, because they or their guardians have to pick from charity frames and it has always been the same for adults, who must pick from the gift of sight frames and the commission picked up the tab for the lenses and with children Medicaid picked it up for the lenses as well.  
     I was always diagnosed with retinitis pigmentosa but was never told as a child as were the ways in those days.  As cool as my parents may have seemed to everyone and they were younger than you guys remember them, much younger than the baby boomers now.  For example if you are reading this and met my parents when you were young at the Baba Center and looked up to them as older and yes they were older relatively, but the truth is you were about twenty and they were only forty three, and even if you came at thirty, they were only fifty three and I was already a sophomore away at college.  However I am sure my parents' parents were quite conservative, both on the wasp side as well as the Jewish side.  In fact I believe, although my paternal grandfather died before I was born they were all Republicans.  Never mind that.  Back to the Commission for the Blind no longer supplying the blind with glasses.
     This is insane.  If they cannot supply glasses, what the hell is going on.  They
gave me everything from oven mitts to measuring cups to pens to paper.  They gave me sunglasses, braille equipment, and they gave some computers, used ones anyway.  I did not get a computer from them, but I know people who did.           
     As far as what I was saying back to my childhood, Mother did not accept the charity glasses for me which I was not aware of, because she wanted me to be able to pick out pretty glasses out of love for me.  My parents not only were richer than I was as a single parent, but I never had a girl, and have not experienced too much vanity in my boys except when David was fourteen and blew dry his long auburn brown hair longer than any girl I ever knew.  LOL
     Well stay tuned for shocking news, with Leslie Walsh.

Money is Not What Matters

     Please do not take this the wrong way.
The essence of what I am about to say is that riches and fortune are not what matter.  Yes, I know this is not an original thought and perhaps even overstated, and there are always more ways of looking at the same thing.
     My kids grew up with me mostly in a very how shall I say, modest home in a modest neighborhood.  We only went hungry once, when our food stamps were stolen years ago.  It was not too bad.  We just had to live on Halloween candy for a few days.  I say this with a smile, because it is sad but funny looking back.
     All the while their dad and his new family were living like kings and queens with SUV's in a really fancy house on a lake in the country side.  Oh yes, he sent child support and all.  He is not a bad guy, although my son Ted once said, "I
helped my father build three houses and I don't have a house."  Still the kids were more at home with me.  This is kind of touching.  The truth is kids do not care about all the money in the world or big fancy houses.  They need food, shelter, love, fun, education, hobbies, etc..  
     I do not regret anything, at least I do not think so.  Hardship builds character and makes you stronger.  It makes you understand hunger when you have gone hungry.  It makes you understand homelessness, even if you have been homeless only briefly.  I have known for years what it is like not to have transportation and so have my children.
It is doable.  It is hard and frustrating and makes you have to be inventive in ideas.
     When I was at the Commission for the Blind, we had a little support group on Tuesday nights after supper.  The lack of transportation was brought up frequently.  Many of these people live in more rural areas than I do in my state, and some have zero vision, none at all.
When I took mobility, using a cane for the visually impaired to cross busy intersections, etc., Clint, my instructor asked me if I understood blocks, city blocks.  I was surprised.  I thought everyone knew, but some people have been on farms and rural areas their whole lives.
     When you think you have it bad, someone always has it worse.  I could tell you the saddest stories about people I met at the commission and how they became blind, but there would be no point in talking about it.  My point is that there is no need for me and most of us to feel self pity.  I do not think my kids felt self pity, but I think it was a little hard for them when their dad had more kids.
Although, my mom had two girls when she married my dad, and my brother and I were the new kids, but we were all closer in age.  We were all under ten years of age when I was born.  My brother and I are only two years apart. 
I have one brother and two half sisters.  I am closest to my brother.  I like my oldest sister, but I am estranged from the other one for reasons I cannot understand except that we are not close, which I accept and have less resentment about now as years have gone by.  It matters less and less.
     Back to why money does not matter in the big picture.  I really do not know.  I think in part kids sometimes are just closer to one parent and they want to be where their friends are.  Friendships, especially in the teen years and in early childhood as I remember my own, are incredibly important to kids.  Where there friends are they want to be, even if that be in the 'hood'.  Seriously, this is true.  
     I grew up isolated from kids except for school and the bus, but I did have one close girlfriend that I played with.  We are still friends.  She is a lawyer now.  I would have loved to grow up around a lot of kids.
     If I could have made things better for the kids, I really would have.  There just was no way to, but that was alright I suppose.  The past does not matter according to Eckhart Tolle and other philosophers of new age thought.  The future does not matter, but we still need to plan for it in my view, but I am an organized type person.  I like to have my ducks in a row as many of us do.

Yes Kids Should Be Able to Go to College

     I was going through the home page and came upon a poll asking whether you thought President Obama was a 'snob' for saying all American kids should go to college.  I think one of the Republican nominee's said this, I forget which one.  Well, I said no.  I do not think Obama is a snob to say that.  I think what he means is that all American kids should be able to go to college.
     Even with financial aid, college is by no means free, unless you have complete scholarships or something.  I realize too that some kids are not college material in an intellectual sense, but there are trade schools or technological schools and other training.  Even the Commission for the Blind offers some careers for blind people but frankly not enough choices, having graduated from the adjustment to blindness program and knowing the goings on of the campus.
     When Obama says all, I think he means that all kids have a right to a fair education.  I think he is standing up for the poor who have less options and opportunity.  It is about equal opportunity.  I think some of the Republicans really downplay the importance of education.  
     I was infuriated when the former vice-governor of South Carolina under Mark Sandford, before we got Haley who I think I like alright, said that feeding children school lunch was like feeding stray animals.  I, myself and others were completely appalled and I do not think he even gave a real apology.
     Some children literally and only get to eat one meal, the meal they get at school.  Some children are homeless.  Some have parents addicted to drugs and some are in negligent foster care or maybe just have crazy parent(s) or maybe are just extremely poor.  My kids had free lunch, sometimes free breakfast.  I was a poor single mother, doing my best.  None of these are reasons to blame the kids or even the parents in many cases.  
     So, basically no,  I do not think it is 'snobby' of President Obama to say that all kids should be able to go to college.
     Some may not want to go to college, which is alright in my book, although I certainly believe they should be able to go to college if they want to.  I think a lot of kids join the military because of a lack of options and opportunities and get sold on it by recruiters, but someone has to go to war.  Every country needs a strong military to be great.  This is a lot of what my novel American Boys is about.  My sons are both 4F because they are legally blind, but my younger son actually wanted to join the army when he graduated from high school partly because his best friend joined the navy and they had been on the swim team together and were strongly bonded.  Iraq was going on at the time.  I said "go for it if they will take you."  I was not being sarcastic.  I thought maybe he could have some sort of position, like clerical or something, but he changed his mind and did not try.  The thing about going to the army or other services is that they will help you go to school later on I hear.
     The condition that my kids and I have is retinitis pigmentosa and at one time before much was known about it, because in the early stages of youth, there can be fairly clear central vision, sometimes people could pass an eye test because the field of vision was overlooked.  Subsequently, I actually saw a show on 60 minutes, where these two twin brothers with RP who were candidates for the computer chip, which does not really work well at all so far.  Believe it or not, of these two brothers in their sixties I believe, who were totally blind, one had actually been a long distance truck driver in his youth.  Scary I know, because RP causes night blindness and tunnel vision even at a young age.  I have always been blind in one eye and I have always been legally blind in my good eye when not corrected.  However this guy must have had enough central clarity to pass the tests alright.  
      I also would like to mention that I 
taught as a substitute teacher in the Horry County school system for five years and teachers see more than anyone the hardships of children.  A lot of these children had rough lives at home.  School can almost be a refuge for some of whom life is unbearable at home.  I read both the biography of Michelle Obama as well as the biography of Laura Bush, who was a school teacher, was also a Democrat before she converted to being a Republican.  My point is that school teachers are more often Democrats, because they know how poor many kids are and the difficulties of their home lives.  Still I maintain that education is extremely important.  I think the president and the first lady know this very well.  Michelle Obama by no means came from a wealthy family.  Her father died of MS on the way to work.  She grew up on the south side of Chicago, and yet she went to Princeton as well as her brother Craig, and became a lawyer.  

Your Eyes by Leslie Sage Walsh

Your eyes went on like rivulets, like pools, more deep than clouds and rivers, tears that carry me to dusk.
  
You shine brighter than suns and stars into eternity, your smile beaming.
  
Your song carries on the wind I hear you calling, while all of this illusion is falling.

When I Think of Your Love: Lyrics to a Song I Wrote

when i think of your love, i can sing forever, i want to drown in your eyes,  
that's my endeavor, your love is more powerful than any other, my Lord.          
your love is forgiving everything,          
your blood the sacrifice to everyone      
of us.  so praise be His name my Lord          my Lord.                                                          

The Drum Circle

Tonight Tex Hightower gave an absolutely inspiring talk about meeting Meher Baba long ago at the center, when he was a dance student with Margaret Crask.
I always have enjoyed his stories.  I like the story about him making a blue jacket for Baba which Baba wore to Australia in '56 I believe. 
     Afterwards there was cake at the refectory, and chai as well.  Then Paul and I and other friends went to a drum circle.  I had never been to one before.  I brought my bongos but it was not necessary.  It was really beautiful.  I played one of their drums and lay down in the center.  It was an amazing experience, lying there with the drums beating like a heart beat.  I closed my eyes and emptied my mind, seeing lights all around.  I felt as though I were lifting off the ground and lying on a cloud all at once.  All thought had no meaning, no importance.  All I could hear and feel were the drums and singing and the violin, yet cognitively not registering these thoughts into words or concepts, no concepts.
     Afterwards I sang along, sustained notes as the drumming ebbed and flowed, quieted and began again in symbiotic harmonious flow of rhythm and notes intertwined effortlessly.
     It was a great day all together.  A great night.  I would love to go to a sufi dance if there ever is one around here.  I once went to one in Boulder.  Oh I do not want to get started about Boulder, too intense and very over.  All there is is now.  Now is eternal, beautiful and powerful.  I am here now.  Only now.