I am awake early this morning, which I have not been for years. I hated the morning. Suddenly my consciousness is different.
Alan, my companion of six years, passed away a month ago. I could not grieve, did not have closure until last night. I was able to begin to grieve before that, when he came to me in a dream and kissed me and it felt so real.
I wonder if I am free to love again or free to not love again. I never loved Alan as much as I should have. He was difficult, but I took him for granted, treated him in ways I do not know why he tolerated, and yet made him seem like the bad guy to my girlfriends. No, he was far from perfect, snobby, high strung, a clean freak where it came to food, which is good I suppose, an ultra conservative, being Scottish, preferred the BBC, and his favorite TV show was Valley Kiss Angel.
My mother once said straight to his face, "I don't like Republicans," but he won her over because 1) he was handsome, 2) he was polite and 3) they shared the same favorite television shows, except news of course. Alan read the Drudge Report of course and listened to Rush Limbaugh. This is one election year we did not get to fight.
In 2008 we were in Columbia, South Carolina on family business and he had a t-shirt that said "Obama keep the change." I made him cover up the keep the part so it only said Obama and change.
He took me to the Commission for the Blind, where I soon became a student for five months. He gave me a cell phone so he could call me, and we saw each other on weekends when I was delivered home. I was enjoying my friends in Columbia and shopping with them, going to yoga. Alan was still married technically, although he had been separated for years and had kids of his own in Germany. He offered to buy me a ring, but at that point I did not want one.
I admit we broke up quite a few times, and then I would have another boyfriend, usually a recycled one, and when it blew up, Alan was always there to get drunk as a skunk with.
I saw a tarot card reader, friend of a friend, a guy from North Carolina. He had me pull my own card for Alan. It was the lover card. He did a spread, and told me nothing was bad in it, except an intensity to be aware of, and that was the spark that led to our fights or made them more intense. I was the jealous one, even though Alan was the one who had a right to be jealous.
He did the things I wanted him to do, like renting an apartment on the ocean, but the divorce which he was working on never fully went through. Perhaps it was good for the wife and kids that he was still married when he died.
I feel bad for his daughters. I feel bad for me in a way. I thought I was OK with this, but really I am not. I did so much wrong. I realize it was a two way street and we kept drifting together and apart. Near the end he came over a lot, and I gave him Reiki, because the pain was very severe. He had pancreatic cancer. When the pain medication kicked in, he was OK.
He would sleep over sometimes on the futon, because we were not technically together, but I would lie down with him if he invited me to, and he was comforting me. I was crying. When he gathered up the strength he took us to pick up Thai take out.
So many fun and funny things happened over the years. Once his neighbor from upstairs invited us up for drinks. Alan said, "don't talk about politics or anything personal, and only have one drink." We had already had a few at my son's gig. I said "OK."
However I ended up saying, "Are you guys married? Alan is married too, but not to me," and "Alan is a right wing Republican." Also, when he went downstairs for something, I accepted another drink. I ended up throwing up when we went back down.
Another thing I loved about Alan was that he loved the shirts I bought him, and he wore them. I gave him a green one last Christmas, a button down. He looked so nice in it and his black jeans and black sports jacket on Christmas day when he came to my mother's for Christmas dinner. I was going to complain that he was late, when he announced his father had just died. He was OK with it, though.
I miss Alan. I really do. If I had it to do over, I would have made a true commitment.
Maybe I did in my own way. I do not know. He was not perfect, I know, and him being married still bothered me, but still so many things I said and did, I would take back if I could.
No one has a perfect life like the 'Clevers', and personally I never complain about my parents or my childhood. My childhood was good enough I guess.
I did not love growing up at the center because I was too cut off from kids and did not really get to socialize until high school, and even then it was a sketchy social life. I did have my brother and one friend who was a BL kid too, but went to a different school and lived in a different part of town.
I just was not really given any positive reinforcement. I suppose they liked my music OK, but I was never given much and had to obtain thing like my first car through working, which it should be anyway. I went to music camp once, but I had to pay for that too out of an accident settlement.
I guess I say damaging, because although my father died a long time ago, I have been very shadowed by my mother. I have really been disregarded by people, and have had to deal with my mother's ego.
Some people think she is this really impressive person. They think I am nothing and no one, because I am poor and blind.
I think like attracts like, and the people who are so fond of my mother are similar to her. I know I sound jealous. It is not that. It is just that my mother told me one of her fans is her daughter. I figure what does she need me for.
There are so many hindering emotions that can drag one down into a lower consciousness causing unhappiness. Resentment, anger, jealously, feeling less than, left out, sick, depressed, anxious, and the list goes on. All these negative emotions can be transcended, though sometimes not easy I know. It is OK to feel these things.
However, when I know that my ego is running the show, and my higher self that is Godly and angelic is pushed aside, I catch myself. I make mistakes, big ones all the time, but I make amends when it will not do more harm than good to anyone involved including myself. I contact God through nature and wait for inner guidance.
Everyone I know has feelings of jealousy, rage, despair, frustration, health problems. If one thinks of oneself as feeling well, it helps. I have a visual impairment, a disability, but if I think of myself as whole rather than impaired, I feel better about myself rather than less than. I used to get all into self pity, like "oh I"m just a poor little blind girl, no one loves me, no one ever will, I have less..."
I was doing myself no good at all with this low self-esteem and negative ideas of myself. I am a strong woman, a smart woman, and a good woman. I no longer need to self-deprecate.
Most people my age have some health problems, minor or serious and some of us even need to take medications. I think if we dwell on our sickness rather than the ways in which we are healthy, then we are lingering in negativity. I want to feel grateful for the ways in which I am healthy.
Like many people I have had a difficult life, and I have when I was younger made the wrong choices still not understanding my own
difficulties at the time, because I know that the choices were clear, like staying in an abusive relationship too long in the '90's even though my friends were warning me, and how attached I was to that person, and at the same time how desperately I wanted to disentangle myself from him, really did not want to be with him anymore. Still, my emotional involvement and attachment were unhealthy.
I did not get involved with the healing movement until around 2007 when I began doing yoga and three years prior had begun to feel better about myself after getting out of another unhealthy relationship that had nearly been the end of me. I healed, and sometimes it seems like it would be nice to rewrite the past, but what was has already happened and we do not need to be stuck in our story, including me.
I suppose my healing began with yoga, then a Course in Miracles, becoming a Reiki Master, twelve steps, meditation and a lot of self help books. I do have a mentor of sorts, and she helps me a lot, although I only call her once in a while. She is also my friend.
I am not saying that all my anger and other deadly emotions are gone and I am perfect. That would be a long way from the truth. I still get jealous, left out, angry and all that, but I am not going to be ruled by these thoughts. I have decided as the Course in Miracles says in the workbook, "I choose peace over this." Another is "I am never upset for the reason I think." Another is "in my defenselessness, my safety lies." In other words, I do not need to defend myself against attack. Attacks are a cry for love, and if I attack someone I am crying for love and hurting myself. Namaste, shanti, shanti. Oh, and lastly, "I am the light of the world." ACIM.
I have found in my life that guilt is one my most prevalent emotions. But why? Why should that be? I have been miserable at times when I should have been celebrating, but not only have I done it, I have seen others waste their time on it as well. I saw someone get married, all the while harping that she felt bad for her ex. She was marrying someone close to me, and I felt this just was not right, but of course that is me judging, and who am I to judge? This was long ago.
There is no longer a need for white people to feel guilty for slavery in America, to remember it with reverence, yes, but not feel guilty for what people who may or not have been their own ancestors were doing as Chris Rock says all the way to the sixties, and he is right. However, at the same time, Germans should not feel guilty yet be reverent for the holocaust along with the rest of European countries where this persecution happened. In the same breath I say, why do we have to feel guilty that Jesus was crucified two-thousand years ago? I realize I may lose some Christian friends, and I love Jesus and I have much reverence for His suffering. Still it does not make logical sense to me that He died for my or our sins. Why would God sacrifice His only begotten son? I love Jesus, and I cried since I was a child over His crucifixion, but it is it appropriate for us to drag this out Mel Gibson style? Yes I know Bhau said "go see Passion of the Christ" when he spoke in America, and it was very touching I agree and sad. Still, I do not think seeing graphic pictures of Christ on the cross with blood all over is going to do anyone any good. It is worse than scenes from Criminal minds or Law and Order, Special Victims Unit. Is it necessary for us to see the gore and blood, in order to love Jesus?
Keep in mind though, I have nothing against Christians. I only have a problem with Republicans, lol, not how Republicans used to be but how they are today. Totally without compassion. If you really love Jesus and humanity, then get out and vote for justice and love! I think it is obvious the Democrats are where the love is.
It has been a while since I blogged about anything. I think it has been a difficult time for some Americans, a time of uncertainty about finances and the future. Now with the Republican agenda glooming over our heads, (at least that is how us Democrats feel), I am probably losing my conservative readers, but the idea of kids not being able to go to college and kids not having health care is disturbing. If I were a foreigner in India, Australia, Germany, etc, I would think that the Republican party was heartless, but I suppose I should not even go there. I went to college on financial aid. My brother did. My older son did. Even the Commisssion for the Blind only pays what a Pele grant would not, and still there is a cap on that. I tried to get them to pay for my yoga teacher training, and believe it or not my case manager tried to get them to, but it was to no avail. They only were willing to pay for something like tech. and I then considered going to massage school, but instead I became a Reiki Master.
I have been lying in bed awake at night, wondering how I will pay the bills. I have been wondering, "will we have enough money to eat?"
The words most music to my ears this morning were, "the check is in the mail."
I have been thinking about gratitude as well as deprivation. I got out of my depression and started counting my blessings, a loving family, grown kids, owning my own home (mobile home to be honest but nonetheless a home), food in the cupboard, a few friends, the gifts of music and writing, my washing machine, kindness, the United States government as we know it today, my talking books for the blind, fellowship, the few that really care, a hug, a birthday card from my brother that he obviously chose with a lot of thought.
I think we as a nation will go on and we will remain the greatest country on earth as far as I am concerned. I was inspired by First Lady Michelle Obama's powerful speech and the idea of America truly being a land of opportunity and a melting pot of all ethnic groups, and this diversity warms my heart and gives me great hope.
Anyone who is so elite and privileged as to say, "just borrow from your parents," does not know anything. Mitt Romney said this to college age students. Not everyone has parents with money. I feel like some of the Republicans, not all, are like the French royalty before the revolution, totally out of touch with what people actually endure.
I understand the working and middle class who are upset with the foreclosures, the lack of health care, but Obama will make health care affordable for everyone if they really want and need it.
Also, if you don't like 'the spending,' just remember that sometimes a little stimulus is a huge help to the economy. I know as anyone that this can be true as an individual as well. Obama is not a socialist. He really is not, but in order to be a great country we need some degree of socialism, and I think he is brilliant and a genius. I really do.
A civilized society has a certain amount of assistance for the disabled, elderly, children, pregnant women and newborns if they cannot afford medical treatment. I see people saying the poor have it made. This is a lie. It is very hard to live on disability. Even if poor people get food stamps, it is usually only a very small supplement. Poor kids should have Medicaid. What would happen to these people, especially children, old people and people with disabilities requiring medical assistance, if they were to lose Medicaid? And, Medicare must stay secure and not privatized or a voucher system as well as the V.A..
I realize some people have different reasons for being a Democrat. I think for the middle class, it would be better under President Obama than Mitt Romney. To think of a few, taxes would be lower and higher for the rich, so that some of your tax money might actually help the poor more than the rich. And, the middle class and poor would be able to get pele grants to go to college or for their kids to go to college. Then there is health care for everyone at a low cost and being able to insure kids til they are twenty-five on your policy.
Also, President Obama is very pro-Israel, more so than some Democrats and I love that. I sympathize with Palestine, I truly do, but Israel is our ally. Still, we would be at peace, whereas the Republicans would just keep spending on wars we do not need to be in anymore. He also brings God into it, and although some people like complete separation in Church and State, I like some God in the government. I really do. President Obama is more conservative than people realize. I like that. I mean, I am basically a liberal, but as you know I have some conservative views.
I know that choice is important for women. I do want women to have choice, but truthfully I find this irrelevant in my own philosophy, having never confronted that in any way. Having kids was always priority for me, and I had to fight to keep a baby, because of complications of my own body. Sometimes, when you have had to fight for a baby, you cannot relate to someone not wanting one, but truthfully women have a choice, and it is their business I guess. I realize I waver on this one issue, and some of my readers may think I have had as many different views on this as Mitt Romney. Joke. But, seriously I do not like the 'a' word, if you know what I mean. Still I will support President Obama one-hundred percent. And, I will support all women as sisters and whatever their choice is.
When I acted crazy on fb one night, and hysterical, I guess I was upset because birth control has always been free to women, but I will not get into my own issues again. I already took a fearless and searching moral inventory of myself and why I got so upset. So, I will just leave it at that.
I had an Australian guy tell me if I were to marry an Australian and move to Australia that the government would take care of me being legally blind and all. It was not a proposal. He is already married. It was a suggestion. However, I want to stay in America, the greatest nation on earth. I am so not interested in going to Australia.
I am not a socialist, but every great nation needs some socialism. What do they think libraries are? And the list goes on. I just do not believe that putting the poor in jeopardy and trickle down economics is ever going to work. It is good to help the poor who can work get back to work. That is what we all want. But, realistically poverty cannot be erased and not caring is not the answer.
If the U.S. makes it impossible for citizens to live, they will have two choices, leave the country or protest the government. And, who wants to leave one's own country? Who can afford a plane ticket, a passport? I sure cannot. No one wants to protest either. That would not be much fun at all, getting maced in the face like the peaceful Wall Street protesters. I am not suggesting anything, just pointing it out. I am very patriotic. I love this country as we know it.
Just read Naomi Wolf's book: Warning to a Young Patriot; the End of America. If anyone watched the shocking youtube video I posted of Paul Ryan at a town hall meeting, allowing an ex-marine to make offensive comments towards Mexicans, nodding his head in agreement all the while and even taking notes, then shuts down a woman who not out of line at all, tries to say that this is racist talk, and she gets removed from the room by police. Is this freedom? No, it is not. Is this the kind of regime America is headed for? No, it is not. I am a patriot. Vote for Barack Obama.
My blog is called The New Humanity because eventually through our wonderful youth and those who truly care for the well being of others besides their own selves, there will emerge a Golden Age when the lion will lie down with the lamb. Human beings will stop seeing one another divided into race, religion, creed or sect, and all human beings shall live as brothers and sisters in a utopia of love and kindness.
Some people have taken the phrase 'cruel to be kind' out of context in order to more comfortably justify the annihilation of the poor weak or disabled. They have even tried throwing Meher Baba quotes at me, but I will not accept that, to justify their fear of losing their wealth. They are not in danger of losing their wealth.
As for me, I have been praying and crying for others and how I do not want any of us to suffer, but when you have experienced poverty for real and not just as some poetic metaphor, you know that yes there is great suffering in loss of what you have, but you have already suffered greatly, and if becoming an activist on behalf of the poor including women, infants, children and men who are sick and or disabled, is in order, than so be it. Maria Antoinette said, "let them eat cake" when a man stopped her in the streets of Paris to say, "my family has no bread to eat." She and Louis XVI were beheaded.
This lack of compassion breeds from ignorance. It is even repugnant to me, to hear people talk of illusion philosophically, to explain human suffering when they are not the ones experiencing it. I have studied Meher Baba my whole life along with maya which means illusion, as well as A Course in Miracles for over four years now and I still find this offensive. I feel that one ought not speak of the suffering of humanity or the Avatar Himself in these terms, not in my book anyway. I disagree with some interpretations of A Course in Miracles when it comes to two things as far as I am concerned: (1) since it is all illusion, there is not much need to concern oneself with the world's injustices because everything happened and nothing happened at once, although in a sense true, and (2) I feel that when Jesus Christ was on the cross, He really did say, "Father, why hast Thou forsaken me?" and yes this was His humanness and not a "belief system" as some ACIM people might say. It may not have been part of the writing in which Helen channeled Jesus for Bill to take dictation of in the 1960's in New York City, but is no doubt one of the most beautiful things Jesus gave to humanity as a whole.
I feel that the phrase 'cruel to be kind' is about tough love, ex: you are married to an abusive alcoholic who asks you to go out to get more booze and you say "no", or you have a teenager who begs you to let them hang out with a crowd that is doing drugs, and you say "no."
[Insert: This is unrelated, but I
thought that I should add it.]
Of course I must add that if you are with an abusive alcoholic and you are a woman, it would also be wise to take yourself and your children (if you have any) to a shelter if you are in danger, call a trusted friend, and go to Alanon, a support group for spouses, parents, children or loved ones of alcoholics (all of this may apply if you are a man as well, except that women are usually in more danger due to being the physically less strong and therefore more vulnerable sex).
If you, yourself, think you may have a problem with alcohol, Alcoholics Anonymous has helped many to stay sober, although it is not for everyone, and is not the only way. Twelve step programs are very spiritual, and I think that the twelve steps are something everyone would benefit from, especially the fourth step, taking a searching and fearless moral inventory of oneself and step five, admitted to God, oneself and another human being the nature of our wrongs, six and seven, asking God humbly to remove character defects and short comings, nine, making amends if appropriate and if it would not cause more harm and ten, "when we were wrong promptly admitted it," and continued to make amends, as well as eleven, maintained conscious contact with God as we understood Him through prayer and meditation. Like all other dealings with people, the twelfth tradition of AA is "principles before personalities." Many alcoholics are sick people, and there are clashes which are discouraging and cause members to give up and go back out, finding less support on returning, because egos get in the way of helping others, which is the twelfth step. But, for some people a drinking problem may be a passing phase, and not necessarily indicative of being an alcoholic forever if one's drinking can stay moderate and under control. Believe it or not, many people go through passing phases in their lives related to circumstances. For instance, a person who has a break down, does not necessarily have a mental illness. Stress and strain can cause all kinds of changes in people, and these changes do not necessarily last, which is an uplifting thought. In fact some people have camelion like qualities, that enable them to phase from one thing to another, and sometimes the very people who act the most sane, may really have more problems than one would know. For instance, many psychologists and psychiatrists have problems themselves, which is what may have triggered their interest in the field of psychology to begin with, and I am not generalizing when I say this, because I am sure that this is often not the case whatsoever.
Back on point, the concept of tough love has nothing what so ever to do with taking away from the poor what little they have.
To be thorough I would like to add the other four steps I left out: 1) admitted we were powerless over alcohol and our lives had become unmanageable, 2) that only a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity, 3) made a conscious contact with God as we understood Him, and 8) made a list of all those we had harmed and were willing to make amends to them all. We find who these individuals are by doing a fourth and fifth step with the help of a sponsor, someone we fully trust and know would never gossip. I realize that looking at all of this work ahead, it can be easy to have "stood at the turning point, we balked... What an order, how can I go through with it?" It is hard sometimes not to balk. It goes on to say "we wanted an easier softer way, but the result was nil until we let go absolutely..." excerpt from How it Works from the book, Alcoholics Anonymous.
As the book The Road Less Traveled begins: "Life is hard." I wish that it was not. Perhaps by listening to philosophers like Eckhart Tolle, a personal favorite of mine and my son's as well, one can find some ease.
I was once having a meal with a guy who took me on my first Harley Davidson ride, which was really fun. We were talking, while I was eating my reuben sandwich. I was talking about some experience and how it was resolved. I said, "and so then I felt better, because... this girl told me the same thing happened to her." As I recall I was talking about feeling humiliated and ridiculed in a situation.
He said, "why ya gotta feel better?" I write it like that because he spoke that way for real.
I said "I don't know."
When I thought back on our conversation, I thought, "Hmm, he is a philosopher of sorts. Why do I have to feel better? Feelings are not facts anyway, and this too shall pass." But I admit sometimes the heart can use some comfort.
I hope you enjoyed this lengthy essay. Love to all. Namaste.
