Losing Direction

     Lately, I feel like 'what next?  What should I endeavor to do now?'  My music is stagnating.  I do not like the songs I write.  I have been told they are too sad.  I was just trying to deal with a tragedy by writing a country song, which I thought was a good way to deal with it.
     Everything is in the air.  The election is coming.  It worries me.  I will vote, and everyone knows who I am voting for because I blog about it all the time.
     The weather has been weird.  I have been a little down, and trying to fight it, fight a downward spiral.  I think about trying to do this or that, but my eyesight puts so many restraints on me and limitations.  Sometimes I feel I am almost suffocating from lack of real purpose.  
     Perhaps it will change.  I hope, and I will figure out what I am doing in this life.  I think of being a visual artist and then I remember I cannot see.  I think of writing poetry, but I have no inspiration.  And, the list goes on.  
     I think I felt most fulfilled when I was a teacher.  I miss my old house.  I wish I had found a way to keep it, and that way I could have given my children a better life.
     My younger son was on the swim team, his senior year of high school.  We got honored at the homecoming game.  It was a real highlight.  
     I did the finding myself, female midlife thing, yoga and meditation, etc..  Although I still burn rose incense, meditate, do yoga and Reiki, I am now lost again.  I am somehow unable once again to really know who I am.  I know it does not make a lot of sense, I guess.  
     The only books I can really relate to now, are about people suffering immensely.  Perhaps that is how I feel, and I do not think it is about Alan anymore, because truthfully I am a bit bitter that Alan never got divorced.  Even though his wife was in Germany, it drove a wedge.  His mother did not approve of me.  I think she thought I was a deadbeat, because she said, "what do you do all day?" 
     Alan said, "Leslie is legally blind," explaining I suppose the fact that I do not work.  
     I said, "I am a writer and a musician."
     Later I conveyed this story to a confidant, as well as another remark someone made at a dinner I was at, where I was discussing my novel, American Boys.  This woman who owns a gallery selling only her own work, said, "where do you find time to do all this?"
     My confidant said, "you should say, 'I have the same number of hours in a day as everyone else' "  That made a lot of sense.  
     When someone made a rude comment about my eyesight, saying I seemed to be getting around just fine, at some pot luck dinner, I also told my confidant, and he said, "you should have said, 'thank you for showing your ignorance.' "  My friend is a mobility instructor for the blind.  In fact I met him while he was doing his internship under my mobility instructor.
     Well, I better go now.  I have a lot more of nothing to do.