The Truth About the Otts' Home at Meher Center

I decided it was time I wrote on my blog.  It has been a while since I have.  I want to clarify a misunderstanding which bothers me when I come across it.

I have serenity about most things, but I am frustrated when I find that some people (Meher Baba people) think that my parents were given their house or something.  That is untrue.  They purchased their land from Elizabeth Chapin Patterson and built their house.  They had and have a deed.  It was no free ride for them.  They built the road that goes into the center as well as their whole home and the additions on it, studios, etc..  It was raw land that they purchased.

I hope this clears things up a little.  I suppose it should not bother me that people do not know, but ignorance can cause misconceptions and wrong views as well as inaccurately informed biases.  

This is all I wanted to say.   Thank you always to my readers for following my blogs.

My Retinitis Pigmentosa With Cataracts Journey, Experience, Strength and Hope

I want to share my story that began in August of 2015, my second post op on April 4, 2016.  This was an amazing journey for me, because I had cataracts caused by retinitis pigmentosa complicated by extreme myopia, an astigmatism, plus a lazy eye that is actually still quite blind.  However, my vision was improved greatly from lens replacement by one of the best eye surgeons in South Carolina.

I went for a routine eye exam, expecting the usual 'nothing much we can do,' to hear that the cataracts I had had for many years and thought nothing could be done about could be removed, so they made an appointment for me with Dr. Ying in Charleston.

Two months later I took public health transportation to Charleston by myself to see her at her office.  I had all the tests and measurements, plus a full eye exam.  I loved Dr. Ying immediately.  She was so kind and down to earth, a small petite and cute woman with a huge persona and confidence, at least how I saw her from the very first in her dark blue scrubs.

Two months later I was taken to Charleston by a good friend as well as my mother who came along.  Although Dr. Ying had thought to do the good eye, since I am blind in one eye, I wanted to do the bad eye first to see how it would go.  Unfortunately, I was and still am quite blind in that eye, because the retina had atrophied so much, and that had always been a lazy eye.  I was sad about that, but really knew it would probably not be a great improvement for that eye.  All I saw was blackness, although I was awake for the surgery.  I cried when I went to the bathroom in McDonald's afterwards, because I had a bandage on my eye, and had been trying to take it off to see if I could see at all, only to see that it was clear acrylic meaning I still could not see in that eye. 

I got checked out at the office in Charleston afterwards, and my pressure was up, so they brought it down with drops.  I had a splitting headache as well, probably from fasting before surgery and delayed coffee intake.  I brought a thermos of coffee, so I could have it after my surgery.  They gave me apple juice immediately after.

I was still wearing thick glasses, because the right lens does not make much difference for me, and I was afraid to have my one seeing eye operated on.  I researched all the time on the internet, even about the eye drops you have to use for two days before and four weeks after surgery, the antibiotic drop for only seven days after surgery.  I got the best antibiotic eye drops available, which Dr. Ying prescribed.

Because my vision was still so nonexistent in my bad eye, I canceled my second surgery.  I have a doctor in Myrtle Beach as well, and they work together, he and Dr. Ying in consult.  He had her call me to talk about my fears and reservations being a one seeing eye patient.  She was very sympathetic, said the whole situation of my having RP and a lazy eye as well was like 'really?,' and this really helped me to get resolved.  Having gone over the ninety day maximum of time you can wait after an eye exam for insurance to pay for eye surgery, I went all the way back to Charleston in public health transportation again on my own to see her for another exam.  I was really on board, and felt really good about things.

Two months later another kind friend drove me to Charleston for my surgery.  I was afraid, but I decided to have acceptance the night before.  Still, I felt more confident, having been through it all before.

I was somewhat dehydrated, and I was given some fluid through the IV.  In the operating room, I said to the anesthesiologist, "I don't drink, smoke or take pills.  This is my only chance to get high."  I had something for my nerves, but again was awake.  They cover your whole face except an opening for the surgical eye after they cleanse the skin around the eye.

During the surgery, I felt like I could feel the irrigation, although I do not know if that is possible, and all the while I saw exquisite colors, mostly fuchsia and magenta in  kaleidoscopic type patterns, sort of psychedelic.  I later asked Dr. Whittaker, my Myrtle Beach doctor, about that, and he says that some people see that, but no one knows what it is, but that it is a good sign. 

Dr. Ying talked to me at points during the surgery, telling me what was going on, and I answered in a word or two like, "oh great."  Afterwards I got apple juice again, two glasses, so thirsty.

I felt good about my vision.  I was seeing pink lines and my eye was blurry and the pressure was up, but even with the bandage on and the other eye blind, even though I needed assistance, I knew I could already see far better without glasses which I no longer needed with my new lenses, than I could before with glasses.

When I went to the doctor's office in Charleston and went into the bathroom, I saw my own face in the mirror without corrective lenses for the first time in my whole life. 

Four weeks later on my second trip to Dr. Whittaker's, the drops finished, my eye healed, the physician's assistance said she got chills when my eye was examined, because of the amazing improvement of my vision which had been absolutely terrible.  It was truly a miracle.  I was prescribed distance glasses, which I got, and my insurance paid for as well, due to the surgery.  I had to pay a little extra, since I wanted polycarbonate, only having one seeing eye, and a little more stylish glasses than the sale frames.  For the first time in my life, I got to get thin glasses.  The thickness of my glasses had been an issue even in my childhood.

I can see television and computer as well as read without any glasses now.  With reading glasses I can see very small print and detail.  With my distance glasses I can look out the window and see down the street. 

I am still legally blind due to retinitis pigmentosa, because of my field of vison and being blind in one eye as well as the night blindness caused by RP, but I feel so sighted that I am walking on air.  This is the most amazing thing aside from giving birth to two healthy boys, that has ever happened to me in my entire life. 

For anyone with RP who needs cataract surgery, after going through this and the success of it, I say 'go for it.'  Having better vision is so amazing.  It is not really that I got vision back, because once the retinal cells die, they are gone, but I got new vision I never had.  Colors are brighter and truer.  I am no longer highly myopic, and my astigmatism has been a great deal corrected.  Plus the cataracts which make things foggy and dull have been removed.  It is just wonderful.

India With My Mother 1974

     When I was twelve years old, I went to India with my mother.  My parents were followers of Meher Baba.  For the record, I was like any kid, a believer in what my parents believed, but not anymore.  I am a grown up.
     We stayed at a place called Velu Villa, and not many people went to India in those days.  We spent time with people who knew Meher Baba and lived with him.  These people were known as the mandali including Mehera, a lovely women who was closest to him, Eruch his interpreter, a very nice man, Dr. Gohair, also very sweet and others.  We spent much time with Mehera, and I sang and played guitar for her.  She called me lovely Leslie.  I sang her a song that I had learned, that some woman had written for her when my dad had been there in 1970 during Christmas and her birthday.
     I sat listening to my mother converse with Eruch.  He had been the interpreter for Meher Baba, who had chosen to be silent.  He is by the way, not the only silent master.  Some Indian masters such as Baba Hari Daas remained silent longer than Meher Baba by far. 
     In the end, if there is a God, then God alone is God.  To me there is no evidence or sign or even indication that Meher Baba could be anything but a fraud.
    

'Never Let Me Go' by Kazuo Ishiguro/ What It's About and What I Think it Means

     I feel that in Never Let Me Go, Japanese born British author Kazuo Ishiguro has written a literarily perfect novel.  It is in the category of science fiction.  It has also been made into a movie, which I have not seen.  I never heard of this book until it was sent to me by the library of congress for the blind, or state library for the blind.
     At first I almost gave up on this book, because I did not know what it was about (my books come automatically based on my preferences in authors and genres).  However, I researched the book, and then I understood.  In fact, I was totally understanding at this point and very intrigued.  I do not want to totally spoil the plot, in case you want to read this book, and I do not usually like science fiction or phantasy, but this book really caught my attention.  It was read by a reader with an English accent, which was appropriate, considering it takes place in England, mostly the rural countryside, which I personally have never been to, but long to go to go to.  (I have only been to London, but have karma with Scotland, at least considering my relationship with Alan, who died, and my ancestry.)
    The main characters are Kathy, Tommy, and Ruth.  The book skips around in time a bit.  It starts out in a school called Hailsham in the English countryside.  Well, actually, that being the nineties when they were in there teens, like thirteen, it actually begins in the present 2000's when Kathy is a carer.  It keeps talking about doners, and this is the spooky part.
     Kathy and Tommy are very close.  So are Kathy and Ruth, but they have some turmoil in their relationship off and on.  The school encourages creativity, and the reason is a mystery.  In fact, everything is kind of mysterious in a way.  However, the reason for this is explained, and the reader becomes aware of the plot, bit by bit.
     After being at Hailsham, they are sent, among others, who are not from Hailsham, but are in the same situation, to a place called 'the cottages.'  The cottages are cold and are not as nice as Hailsham, but they are communal with these other young people, who are called veterans.
     I would also like to mention that the reason it is called 'Never Let Me Go,' is because of a song by Judy Bridgewater that Kathy listens to when she is a child, that Madame sees her dancing to, pretending to hold a baby.  The tape disappears, but Tommy finds it again years later in a little antique store with Kathy, on one of the group's many road trips.  Madame had sobbed, seeing Kathy dancing to the song long ago.  The meaning comes up fully in the story, and I think it is a nice twist or detail.
     Much more happens from there, and we eventually come back to the present day, but I will not tell any more, because that would give away the story.  I will say, however, why I think this book is really powerful.  The plot is somewhat inhumane in a completely civilized way.  You may have to think a bit to understand what I mean by that, but on the other hand you may understand immediately.  I tend to assume that everyone understands at times.  I think the world is very sick and corrupt, and even the most supposedly spiritual or wonderful arenas are full of terrible travesties.  While this book and its questions it poses without saying, of ethics, is really deep, I get it.  I really do.  Many situations in this world are wrong and unethical, and yet we go along with them.  Sometimes you wonder why that must be or why it is.  Just look at the Nazi Holocaust.  It also happens on a small scale, very small and in the most sanctimonious communities, part of why I left the whole Meher Baba scene.  There was too much evil going on, especially around the Meher Center here in South Carolina.
     I hope you will find some time to read this great author's work.  If you do not trust my review, then just check it out on google, Amazon.com, Barnes & Noble or any other book review material that you may prefer.  If anything, I have to say that it is a dark tale, no doubt, but unless you are living in an alternate universe, this world is dark.  And, when you have a life with some darkness, you know how to see the light between the cracks.  This book is not for the faint hearted or those with a charmed life, but anyone in their right mind would find his writing brilliant.  I found it utterly beautiful to be honest.

The Shadow That Carl Jung Talked About

     If you are anything like me, you may have grown up and gone through your young adulthood thinking you had to always be a really good and moral person.  Of course, it is good to be a good and moral person, but excessively trying to be a 'good' person is not always healthy in the long run.  One might have a lack of boundaries due to wanting to please and thinking one had to always be nice.
     Some people innately have a positive self worth where with they can maneuver through life without any neurosis, or not too much anyway.  Some people are unafraid, and some are very afraid.  Fear is everything love is not, but I would say that I was one of those 'afraid' people.  I guess it took alcohol to make me unafraid, what some call liquid courage, and I never even discovered that side of alcohol until I was in my forties. 
     When you have been oppressed by people, such as romantic partners, you can become so distant from who you are, that you do not even know yourself at all anymore.  That was how I was, like a stranger to myself, no tools for coping, no understanding of what Jung talked about, 'the shadow.' 
     When I realized that I was not this perfect woman I wanted to be, I fell apart.  I was so far from good, and this was before I even learned that alcohol could make me feel incredibly brave and free. 
     I had been a soccer mom, the perfect wife, the perfect mother, the perfect housekeeper, and party maker with the perfect image, but it all fell apart, and nothing went right.  It all fell apart.  I could not hang on to my husband, my house, my stature, not even my job in the end.  I landed up with the wrong man after my divorce, and it was like a domino effect of bad events.
     Still, I kept my composure and dealt with my father's sickness and death, my loss of my second partner, and more, not knowing that so many more trials were yet to come.
     I will spare the reader the details, but at one point all I did was make one bad decision after another.  I am surprised I did not completely destroy myself and my life.  The hardest part was that if I had accepted my whole self and not just parts, I would have been okay.  If I had respected myself, I would have not felt so guilty for not being perfect.  I could have been honest with others and with myself, without being afraid.  I was afraid of my Jungian shadow most of all I think.
     I realize that the term is abstract unless one has studied his philosophy of psychology.  No one can be perfect, all good, and to think that is possible is only a road to pain.  Accepting oneself totally is the only way to proceed. 

Back From the Other Side: a poem by Leslie Walsh

I dreamed you came back to me, back from somewhere,
Appeared from the other side,
Your hair still light, your feet were bare,
Your clothes were white, and it seemed you could almost glide.

You said, "I watch over the ocean and the shore," your job to watch o'er,
You said you owned no possessions, your clothing only that you wore.

I followed you, asking if you saw Jesus, if you found God there, answers of truth found somewhere,
Never when you were here did you believe,
Aimlessly I tried to find you again to know if you changed the things you perceive. 

All I know is you came back from the other side, that you watch over the tide,
That there is no death,
Just another place beyond our very breath.

And now I long for you, your fair face and white clothing, your feet bare on the sand,
Now you have gone back there, and slipped through my hand, back to the other side.

The Influence Carl Jung Had on the Creation of Alcoholics Anonymous

     This is very interesting.  I learned this by reading
Further Along the Road Less Traveled by Scott Peck.  Whether you are a fan of his or not, this is interesting and spiritual. 
     In the thirties, when Alcoholics Anonymous came to be, a guy was seeing Jung for psychoanalysis.  At that time there was no treatment for alcoholism, nothing really effective besides incarceration, institutionalization or death.  However, Jung told this man who was a hopeless alcoholic that  one way some had recovered was through a religious conversion.  So, this man searched for religion.
     A few months later he converted to a religion and stopped drinking.  He then went to see a man named Ebby.  Ebby offered him a drink.  He said, "I no longer drink.  I found religion." 
     Ebby was like, "what?  But, you are a hopeless alcoholic."  So, he told Ebby about what Jung had said. 
     Then Ebby found religion and got sober as well.  He then went to see Bill Wilson, commonly known as Bill W., one of the founders of AA.  Bill W. offered Ebby a drink.  Ebby said, "I no longer drink.  I had a religious conversion." 
     Bill W. ended up doing the same, and he began a group called Alcoholics Anonymous, where men and women, mostly men back then, because women probably were more ashamed due to the latency of the suffrage movement, only just beginning slightly I guess, could get together and talk about alcoholism and recovery in an anonymous, safe environment.  Of course, coffee and cigarettes were prevalent, and still are except that people no longer smoke indoors.  The important thing was the program, the camaraderie, the fellowship, and the place to share, as well as the sponsorship and the steps.  Of course, it has never been based on any creed, religion or sect, but there is a focus on God or a higher power.
     The idea of AA is that only a power greater than oneself could restore one to sanity.  That is actually step two after admitting oneself to be powerless over alcohol, which is the first step.  I hope some of you found this as interesting as I did.  We all have dysfunctions, whether or not alcoholics or addicts.  I believe we all need a program, steps one through twelve and a counselor or sponsor of some sort.  We all can use some fellowship and guidance from time to time, no matter how smart, spiritual or independent.