As I said on fb, I have been reading Staying True by Jenny Sanford, wife of Mark Sanford, the former governor of South Carolina, who had a mistress in Argentina, and said on public TV that the girlfriend was his "soul mate." For crying out loud.
Jenny Sanford left with their four sons, which I admire, rather than the old stand by your man thing some political wives do. I can understand with Elizabeth Edwards though. It would be hard to leave your husband when you have four young children and stage four breast cancer which Elizabeth had. Still, I thought Jenny was cool for leaving. I realize she is an heiress and an educated former investment banker, so she has some advantages, was part of the New York City scene at one time even. Some people think she left because it came out, but she says she had already asked him to leave for a while, like a temporary separation, in hopes that they could reconcile and be a family again.
Although I do not believe in the Republican philosophy of no spending, not taxing the rich enough, etc., I will say as I always do I have conservative views about the right to life and the right to bare arms.
Also it is a myth what some Democrats believe, that the Republicans do not believe in a safety net for the elderly, poor, children and disabled. Under Mark Sanford, the South Carolina Commission for the Blind, which I, my father and one of my sons all attended for blind skills, was remodeled and funded well. It is a governor's job in part whether or not to veto spending of any kind. I realize the Senate and Congress of that state play a role as well, but governors have a lot of power. Now under the extremely fiscally conservative governor, Haley, blind people cannot even get their glasses payed for, so I thought Sanford was OK as a governor. Before him, we had a Democrat, Riley.
I like stories about independent women, women who stand strong and do not put up with infidelity and abuse of any kind. I saw a movie on the Lifetime channel last night about a woman, a true story, who fled with her seven year old daughter like fugitives, because the daughter was being sexually abused by the father, who had accused the mother of kidnapping.
I may not have been the best mother in the world, but I never left my children unattended. Whether I was miserable or happy, I dragged my kids along, whether on a long trip or just across town. I never left my kids alone at night when they were little, ever.
I saw Jenny Sanford on a TV interview once and thought she was very attractive. I cannot believe Mark Sanford was with his mistress on Father's Day of all days. I remember, because no one could find him. Also, what kind of father is with his mistress and not his sons on Father's Day, for Pete's sake? Jeesh! You are supposed to know where the governor is. That would be like no one on earth knowing where President Obama is, not even Joe Biden. Our vice-governor did not even know where he was. Then on June 24, 2009, he did that press conference on national television talking about "crying in Argentina and my soul mate." How messed up! I cannot imagine being that publicly humiliated by my husband. I would have left too!
In the Course in Miracles, I try to see
things differently, but I hate the way some husbands cheat, but I suppose women can cheat too. It is just that I never cheated on my ex-husband.
Oh I forgot to mention, they said "he was said to be hiking on the Appalachian Trail."
As soon as I heard that, I knew he was having an affair, before it ever came out, so I was not that surprised.
My brother and I have two half sisters. They left to live with their father when we were small. My brother says I have the wrong reasons, so I cannot tell you why.
I was on the beach. I was only six, I think. My sisters' father was visiting. I said, "my favorite person is Mimi." Mimi is my oldest sister. I think that very night while my parents were out, my sister's father was in our house.
He said, "did you know your favorite person is leaving tomorrow?" He did not say it diplomatically or lovingly. He was not my father. Why would he even care? My mother left him and moved on to my father, but I was just a child, a product of that, but not guilty in terms of how it came about or how it occurred.
Soon, my other sister, Betsy left too. I cannot even remember that. She followed her whole sister, Mimi, and there was a reason, but the reason I will never know. My brother and I felt loss from losing our sisters, never knowing why, only knowing we were sad and the table of six became a table of four, my parents, my brother and me. Like everything else, my brother sees more into it, but all I know is what I recall. I know not the reasons, but I adjusted to the family being devoid of my half sisters, and maybe it hurt my brother more than me, but we became a family divided, and now today many families endure such hardship.
I am listening to Nineteen Eighty-Four by George Orwell. I had never read it before. I think it should be more like Two Thousand-Seven or something to that effect. I recently reading The End to America; Warning to a Young Patriot, by Naomi Wolf, which is not fiction. I am very disturbed about the torture of Guantanamo prisoners. They are still being tortured, even under Obama. At least McCain, having been tortured, stood strong against torture and always has in the U.S. Senate.
Big Brother, although an extreme concept, is slightly true today. I think the character Goldman, the good leader being Jewish, is interesting. A lot of books today like Hunger Games which was made into the movie, are taking from George Orwell's famous book which I am reading, Nineteen Eighty-Four. I realize that that year which many of us lived through was not an especially bad one. I was living in L.A. with my husband and baby, working hard and having a good life.
I hope that for the sake of my sons and future generations and the youth of today that America stays free, although this book takes place in England. The U.S. is a great country and I honor The Constitution. I honor the president, whoever he may be, as my president. I honor the military, soldiers living or dead, and veterans.
I hope that the conspiracy theories that some have which are scary are not entirely true. I hope that this stays a free nation with the right to "life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness." I hope that racism, poverty and war will one day end, but that is a far cry I know. Perhaps some day a golden age will come and the lion will lie down with the lamb, and man and woman will live as brothers and sisters. Like Melanie's song, Candles in the Rain, in which she says "Meher Baba lives again. Man shall live as brothers, lay it down again, lay it down, lay it down, lay it down again."
I have been studying the Course in Miracles for over four years now. I know that I can only ask the Holy Spirit or Jesus to help me see this differently. Sometimes we feel attacked, which is in essence a cry for love. If I attack my brother, I attack myself, so the answer is not attack. This does not mean that I should be a doormat, only that I do not need to play the game, the game of attack.
Many times one's feelings get hurt. So what. Rise above the hurt feelings. No one ever died from hurt feelings. For me, this is important. It means "pull on the big girl pants" and go on. It does not necessarily mean to simply, "get over it." It means that forgiveness is seeing things differently, rather than through the ego mind, through the Holy Spirit thought system.
For example: recently a friend was talking about a subject I was not comfortable with, and I think she knew it, but I was riding in her car and did not want to say anything, because for the most part we were getting along OK. I listened, but I never attacked or reacted. Instead, I said "why don't you pray about it?"
We had liked the same guy at one time and I had actually had a relationship with him, but since she met him first, I let her have her way in terms of the topic. At one time, though, when I still cared, this would not have been the case. The thing is, I moved on even though I was with him, and she has not moved on, and obviously does not want to move on. She does not seem to care if I have any lingering feelings, but I do not so it really does not matter. I do not stay in the past. I go forward and commit to who I am actually with, if I am with someone.
Sometimes it is hard to assert oneself. When I was in college, it became vogue to go to the school psychologist. We practically had to make up problems to see Mr. Cook. Mine was my parents' marriage separation, which is sort of a problem, when you still live at home when you are not away at college.
Anyway, Mr. Cook had all of us who wanted to see a shrink come for group therapy, and he chose the theme which was assertiveness training. This included things like saying "no" if a friend or roommate wanted to borrow a dress or something. Mine always got my stuff somehow with or without asking and sometimes for keeps. Guess I was a little wimp then.
What I am talking about today is when someone has an opinion, you do not have to agree to make them happy. I guess you have to be polite about it, but I have to mind my p's and q's since I ride in other people's cars and when you are a guest I guess it might be better to somewhat agree.
However, if someone wants you to do something, say socially, that you cannot afford or a charity asks for money when you are already a charity case, you can say "no."
For a long time I hung out with people much richer than me and tried to fit in. Although I was just as educated and just as cultured if not more, I could not afford their lifestyle, but I tried to be a comelion. I will never do that again, eat places I cannot afford, and so forth, buy coffees that cost four dollars and stuff like that.
I have wanted a certain type of yoga pants with slits at the calf for a long time. A friend had some, a friend with a good job. I asked her where she got them and how much. She told me, and although I could not remember the web site I looked at my usual shopping sites for something comparable and they were still pretty high in price. My mother's voice said in my head, not out loud, I'm not schizophrenic, "you cannot be buying clothes for that amount of money. You don't have that kind of money. Go to the discount store and find something similar, but you cannot get those." So I took them off my wish list and added a frugal pair of yoga pants which I need like a hole in the head anyway.
Back to saying "no." I was in a relationship with someone - here we go again - mentally abusive and for some reason, guess I was really wimpy then, I did not say "no" to him about anything even though my head and my heart were screaming "NO!!!!" I have an aunt who is a retired psychiatrist, my only living aunt, and she said "look in the mirror and practice saying "no, no, no, no, no." I did. I learned.
My son David, who is engaged to be married by the way, (see David Lynfield Walsh on fb to see his announcement), played me his new CD yesterday. I was so touched because he recorded the song he wrote to me when he was only thirteen years old, called Let's Move On. It is a really beautiful song and talks about the hard times we have been through. The words are excellent as well as the music and his sweet voice and skilled guitar playing, and one line really warmed my heart, "let's move on, let's live on...and watch our scars just fade away...and watch the sun just rise today." David is in the picture with me taken at the Meher Center last winter at an event that he performed the finale in with his band, a youth concert. Love to all. Namaste.
Lost I was, broken, searching for the fragments to define my life,
Tears fell down amid the gray like clouds of strife,
Grief spattered on the walls, red blood like paint,
Looking back through dark windows of longing at my own self restraint,
Of love I could not show,
Of my own child on which my gentle touch I knew not how to bestow,
And so I struggled with the demons of this grief that stayed beside me like a companion,
But not a good one.
And, now I say go away sadness, grief and regret,
Your anger I choose to forget,
For all you do is drag me down,
Taking away the smiles and the laughter that turns it around,
I sleep now without you, old pain,
You have dried now like yesterday's rain,
My eyes have already wept you away,
There are no words you have now to say,
To drag me back to your bloody tomb,
For in me, in my heart, for you there is no room,
You have had your fill of me and those who love me, those that I love,
For light has made me free.
I finally took a vacation this summer, a couple of days with friends. My friend Katherine drove me. We went to stay with a friend in Charleston. She made us very welcome and we swam in the pool that evening. It was good to get away. Had dinner with Gaiya and her son and his friend who were enjoyable to talk to. She is a wonderful cook and has a lovely home.
The next morning we went with her to yoga in the area. Wow. It was hot. I did not bring yoga clothes but got to sit right in front so I could see. I just wore my shorts and tee-shirt since that was all I brought, not knowing I would do yoga. It was hard. The theme was sexuality, letting go of desires and seeing the body as one piece, rather than breast, but, leg, etc.. I cried some. I also sweated a lot. I had been stressed and going through some stuff of my own, my own deep seated issues which I was not speaking to anyone about, but it had been intense for me before the trip.
The yoga teacher was fabulous, and helped me with positions. I could not see the person one foot away from me, so she showed me how to place my hands. After class I got a hug from her and others. I felt very clear and cleansed. Normally I never go to yoga in the morning, but since we were guests, I got up and went. It is a great way to start the day.
Then we drove out to the other side of Charleston to visit my friend Rolando from the Commission for the Blind. We got to meet his parents. Then he took us to lunch and coffee after at a bookstore. There was definitely a connection still. Rolando is blind, totally blind, and I just feel so comfortable with him, because he is so sweet, loving, agreeable and adorable.
After that he had other social engagements, so we went back to Gaiya's and went swimming and had more healthy food.
We had to head back at night because the AC was not working in my friend's vehicle. Well we were about an hour and a half from home and it was dark, and the car broke down. We were two women alone in the dark on a rural highway not knowing what to do. A good 'Samaritan' showed up and so did a policeman who took us to a friend of Katherine's house near Georgetown where we spent the night. That was nice, a bit 'twilight zoneish', but nice of her to let us stay. She had met me before and did not like me much but I look a bit different and have my old name back, so she did not know who I was. So in the morning early when we were still asleep Katherine's boyfriend called her, then came and got us. We went and he tried to fix her car, but it needs a big job, so we got it towed and left it at a mechanic and went back home.
It was so hot, but now I am home and it is nice and cool. I took a shower and just feel awesome and renewed. Wow. What a journey. Praise the Lord
I have always been for gun control like Canada especially after what happened today, but at the same time I believe in the second amendment. I think that both Obama and Romney do not even want to go there, because the constitution has been messed with enough.
Two years ago I was assaulted on my own street by some crack addicts. I put my hands in fists and defense mode against the woman who was verbally assaulting me and threatening to "kick my ass" so that she could not injure my one eye. I am legally blind and totally blind in my right eye, so I did not want to get hit in my one good eye. I did not see it coming because it was from the right, but her boyfriend hit me upside the right side of my head. Then he began screaming and swearing at me. I had not even seen him. I defended myself verbally until I realized I was still in danger and ran for home as fast as I could. The neighbor witnessed this, and told the police. I pressed charges and the police made them leave the neighborhood. I was traumatized for a long time.
I was in a pawn shop with a friend and I bought some mace. She did as well. I was looking at a pistol under the gun counter, and I said, "I want a gun."
She said, "you can't see."
I said, "oh, yeah."
What I am saying is as horrible and tragic as this is, I do not think that the second amendment should be overturned. I really do not, not after being attacked like that.
The problem with the upbringing of women from my generation is that some of us were not brought up to have high self-esteem and any problems we may have suffered were brushed under the rug, because what mattered was what people thought.
I remember when I was fourteen going on fifteen and my brother was sixteen going on seventeen, yes like the song from The Sound of Music, my grandmother and aunt on my dad's side were so interested in Chris going to National Outdoor Leadership School, but especially Aunt Carroll not so interested in me going to music camp in Vermont, which I payed for with my own money from a terrible accident my brother and I were in in a '65 Mustang my folks owned.
My parents sent me to college and were fond of my singing and guitar playing and song writing. My mother even liked my secret novel attempts she came across. She has all my visual artwork that I did in college as well as some Art critiques I wrote taped into my sketch pad.
Still, no one had high goals for me. I recall calling my father when I was a young mother with a baby living far from home, saying I wanted to leave my husband, and he said, "you cannot do that. You have no way to support yourself." In a sense he was right, because although I always had jobs, and even though I hung in through another child and several years, I ended up struggling on my own, and vulnerable as well.
I guess it is good I did not have a daughter, because my son David told me he thought it was harder for girls to grow up without a father around than boys.
I just think that although some women are very successful from any generation or culture, that it is partly an astrological thing. I was once told by an astrologer that something in my chart made it difficult for me to do professionally the things I was talented at. I guess now I consider myself a blogger even though I do not make money at it as well as musician which I do not make money at either.
Women, many of us are very insecure, think we have to be a certain weight especially. The Madison Avenue lie is a cause for eating disorders in women of all ages. I went through that myself, having to weigh ninety-five pounds, until I realized that that was not what beauty really was. I think I shared this before, but the turning point was when Dr. Gibbs said to me, "you're not as beautiful as you used to be." He meant before I got so thin, and then I started to eat and went back to normal.
I think also that when some of us women get into relationships in which we are treated in ways that are unacceptable, we may have not been given the tools or where with how to know what is acceptable. We may think it is our own fault somehow. I had to ask a psychic if I was being abused as stupid as that sounds. He probably said "yes" and what ever else I payed him for, because just the sound of my voice probably made it not exactly rocket science. I could be a psychic too on that grounds.
So to be pragmatic, how can we as women empower ourselves? I know some of us have. I have not fully. How can we see through the lies that society dictates? There is more than one way to be blind, to have blinders on.
One way is to start your own or look for a women's empowerment circle where you pass a talking stick or stone or token and whoever has possession of it talks uninterrupted. It is true that some of us who are stuck in our story, might repeat our story again and again. I know I am a bit guilty of this, my same woman scorned story, being a victim, etc..
Last summer I spent the weekend with a friend who is a Course in Miracles teacher. She said to me, "you are so caught up in your story all the time."
But on the other hand, I had dinner with a couple who are well versed in the Course in Miracles as well, and they actually asked to hear my story. Maybe my friend had just heard it too many times.
So, I am guilty as charged. Still, I think overall my intentions are good, lol.
Although President Obama claimed he would shut down Guantanamo, the prisoners are still there, being indefinitely imprisoned, tortured, water boarded as well sexual and psychological torture, he never did. He has done nothing. In fact his policy is to continue torture. Some of these men are innocent, but they have no chance of ever being free. If they stop eating, they are tube fed and forced to live for nothing.
I do not think that liberals should keep the blinders on and think that the Democrats care. Obama does not care any more than Bush did. Why do you think we are still in Afghanistan if Obama is for peace?
Also why do liberals always think abortion is OK, when they harp about gun control and the war? Abortion, especially late abortion is a hideous cruel and violent act, not a good thing at all and totally inhumane.
So, for liberals who are so supposedly humane, why do you not see the contradictions of your belief system? I find it ironic.
Some people think that braille is not used much anymore, but it is actually used quite a bit. For example: on public restrooms, on elevators and motel, hotel rooms.
The talking books for the blind have the titles, authors, copyright dates, as well as book number on the cartridge, and the talking book players have braille to read play, forward, rewind, volume, speed, sleep, tone and power.
Braille was introduced in 1809, the bicentennial of Louis Braille two years ago. I still have my Louis Braille bicentennial key chain given to me by Ms Sheila one of my Braille teachers who passed away.
Louis Braille was blinded by an accident as a small child in France in his father's saddle shop. It had originally been a way for the French army to read at night using a cell of twelve dots, but to make it simpler it was changed to six for braille. Louis Braille introduced braille in France and to a school for the blind in America in the early eighteen hundreds.
The cell consists of six dots in which any combination can make a letter or an abbreviation for a word or part of a word. For example dots one, two, three and four is p which can also stand or people, and dots two and six stand for en in a word. Also dots three and five stand for the word in or in inside a word.
There are two ways to write braille. One is on a brailler which is like a type writer, very heavy. The paper is inserted front side down or backwards because you write from right to left in order to make the dots poke out, so that once you turn over the braille paper, you can feel the dots from left to right.
Another way to write braille is by hand, requiring a slate, stylus and braille paper. The paper is clipped on the right between the slate which consists of cells in the form of little windows. From right to left on the back side of the paper, you press the stylus by feel into the right place inside the cell window, so that once you turn the paper over and have removed the slate, you can feel the dots in order to read from left to right.
I wrote poetry for practice on both. I also read a long story to one of my teachers (all my braille teachers were blind and one had a dog we all spoiled) about a man who is a wood maker but wants to be a king and then the sun and on and on until he is once again a wood maker. It took me two days of one hour class periods to read him the story, but it was challenging and fun.
Well, so much for braille, but it is not a dying way of reading for the blind at all, and is newer than one might have thought I think.
My main concern with Mitt Romney is that the Republicans may want to privatize Social Security on Wall Street. I also think Romney is evading the money issue.
He also has been unclear on policy. On the other hand President Obama has not improved matters for African Americans which is disappointing and while Obamacare may or may not work, some find it an infringement on civil liberty.
I am not going to tell who I am going to vote for even when I decide. I do think the privatizing of Social Security would be bad, and Romney seems evasive. I think it would be interesting if he chooses Condalisa Rice as a running mate. I always think politics is more interesting with women involved. I thought the Republican primaries would have been more interesting had Michele Bachmann not dropped out. I kind of liked her. I thought she was intelligent and very articulate. I despised Palin, but I dare say she made things interesting, well scary I might say. Just things like her not knowing Africa was not a country but a continent, and "I can see Russia from my house." Also I am pro-life and even I thought the 'even in rape and incest' clause was insensitive and the women having to pay for rape kits was weird. I mean even Bush and McCain were not that fanatical.
But, that is neither here nor there and I keep promising myself I will get out of politics but the news is just too entertaining.
Like I have said before for poor people it does not make much difference. Many liberals talk about the poor from their ivory towers but do not even know or are not in touch with the poor.
I go back and forth. Sometimes, I can even see where the tea 'partyers' are coming from, but sometimes I can see why President Obama might be a safer choice on the other hand.
As far as war, the only one for peace was Ron Paul, the conservative Libertarian who is no longer in.
I thought it was great that the tea party in my home town gave Democratic candidate for congress Diggs a good response. But, he is a true leader and an important man.
Retinitis pigmentosa is a group of eye diseases caused by the deterioration of the retina due to a lack of the enzyme to prevent the deterioration of normal pigment, so that the retina atrophies and essentially deteriorates. Due to this, the person with RP will see less and less peripherally. Top, bottom and side to side, so that there is tunnel vision, and very often eventually no vision because the macular deteriorates as well. When I walk into an unfamiliar room, I have to look all around, moving my head to see the room. New places are the hardest to maneuver.
It is really common with RP to be in denial because most of one's life is spent with at least partial eyesight, so the person with RP may feel or identify with being sighted because they do not know how truly sighted people see. Plus, someone who is legally blind may be very visual and enjoy seeing, but the squinting, straining and trying to see can become wearisome. Often someone with RP will go totally blind.
Once someone with RP is diagnosed as legally blind and finds him or herself with less and less freedom and finds the world closing in and becoming smaller, it can become worrisome and frightening. Since it is a rare disease, it is hard to find others outside your few family members like my late father and my two sons, who have the disease, it can be a lonely thing, and very misunderstood. How can one be sighted and blind? Are you not one or the other? Well legally and technically you are really blind, but it is called visually impaired in a more politically correct sense I suppose.
The genetics of it in my family are heretogenic. In other words, fathers pass the gene to daughters and daughters to sons. Sometimes the daughter will or will not develop the disease, but there is a fifty percent chance that she will carry it to her sons, and her daughters would carry it. I have it, I have two sons and they both have it.
There are other stains like Ushers Syndrome which cause blindness and deafness, and there are other strains and complications. Cataracts are a secondary symptom of RP, usually inoperable because of the person's limited vision, and a lack of it being useful.
There is no treatment or cure for RP, only measures to help slow progress of going blind, such as vitamin A palmitate 15,000 I.U. per day and less for children so as not to damage the liver. UV protection sunglasses from the low vision clinic help and avoiding too much sun and light into the eyes.
Often a person going blind may feel ashamed of the disability or perhaps self-conscious especially in unfamiliar surroundings and when using a new cane, which takes getting used to and support from friends and family. I do not use my cane as much as I should, because I still have issues such as these, and I have been dealing with this progression for a long time now.
If you have RP or a friend or loved one with it or a visual impairment, I would love to hear from you, and would love to hear comments from anyone who would care to comment on my blog. Thanks for reading this.
I was very happy to know that Frankfurt has the first Jewish mayor since the holocaust. Twenty percent of Germans are still antisemitic, non Israel related and one fifth of the young people do not know about Auschwitz. I do not feel the Germans should feel guilty. They have come a long way, but they should know about the holocaust and educated Germans do, just as Americans should know about slavery and at the same time we feel bad, not feel guilty. The idea is to restore, not dwell on the past and move on. I have to say that I was proud of Mitt Romney for speaking to the NAACP and as Wolf Blitzer said, "where was Obama?" I am not saying that I think Romney is a great politician. Maybe they are both bad or good. I do not know what I think now about our government and what is good or bad for it. I am just going to be at peace with it.
There was an article on a fb friend's wall about it now being illegal for Jews and Muslims to have their sons circumcised in Germany. I have no comment on circumcision, but I think that may be a ploy to get rid of the Jews and Muslims in Germany.
There is no such thing as Aryan in the way that the Nazis used the term. It actually means Iranian or Persian. Aryan white... is a made up fictitious theory that Hitler and the Nazis made up. The only place it exists is in white supremacy minds and in prison, where now they became so violent that any prisoner putting the white Aryan brotherhood tattoos on will be put in permanent lock down.
Believe it or not there are Nazi sympathizers today, and this I find disturbing. They are distributed around the world, and it is a bad thing.
OK, like I know no one is really thinking about me 'Leslie Walsh', but here goes. Do you remember the sketch on SNL, Stewart Smiley, "I'm good enough, I'm smart enough, and dogawnit people like me."?
Lately I realized that the more I self deprecate, the more harm I do to myself and my reputation. Reputation is kind of an old fashioned term in a new age where what other people think does not matter. Even Rush Limbaugh knows that. I used to be romantically involved with one of his followers, Alan, who quoted him saying, "it doesn't matter what others think." That was a fond memory of Alan, because he seemed so happy that morning.
Another fond memory of my ex right wing conservative boyfriend is the time we were in Roses' and he asked me if I wanted an Obama shirt. This was back in '08 of course and coming from Alan this was extremely kind and generous and loving I might add.
I will never forget when we had to go to the state capital on personal family business. The state capital in my state is eighty percent African American. Alan was wearing his 'Obama Keep the Change' tee-shirt. I asked him at the motel to please where his button-down shirt over the 'keep the' part, so that only 'Obama' and 'change' would appear.
Very graciously he did what I asked, but to tell you the truth, a lot of African Americans in that area are right wing Republicans too so I do not think it really mattered.
"Oh no I said too much..." R.E.M. Yes, a great mind on a roll, as a friend said. I really am not this 'major loser' that I make myself sound like in some of my fb conversations, just to get the damn liberals off my back.
OK, I am not married. I have only been married once and my children have the same dad. In this day and age I am an old maid, but in my own self defense I would like to say that it is not like no one has wanted to marry me, and I have had some boyfriends to say the least.
As far as the married thing goes: OK, here goes: When I got married, my husband told me I should stop reading Glamour and read magazines for married women like McCall's and Better Housekeeping. Do not get me wrong, I liked my husband, but for another example, when I was twenty-nine or thirty, I went back to school at Coastal Carolina University to complete some classes, because my professors said I had been an outstanding student, had just not completed French 202, and Psychology 101. I went back and aced both and took an Art class as well. My husband was furious, because I did not go to tech to take business classes to run his business better than I was already running it as well as running the house and taking care of two children whom I loved and still love with all my heart.
I am not some heartless feminist. I loved having babies, especially when I had the second one David, mostly because I was not scared and practically a teenager anymore and knew what I was doing. Plus we were more stable financially. My children are six years apart in age. I loved having a baby so much, every minute, every hour, every diaper, every milestone, every booboo, every first word, the car seat, the stroller, the crib. I loved my beautiful baby and my little boy who was in school by then so much you would not believe it unless you have been a mother.
No man ever respected me or truly loved me in a way that I could see, not my husband who left me and moved on to a new family and not the men who moved in on the territory like predators.
And, along the way it has remained the same, just disappointment after disappointment growing into my own jaded lack of commitment, because it finally turned to "I hurt you before you hurt me." It was the 'survival of the fittest attitude' which came about through years of being 'screwed over.'
That is why I am not married and stay poor instead, thank you very much just in case you were wondering, but probably not.
When did the milky whites of your beautiful eyes turn dark? and your smile fade away?
Not jaded, only innocent and clear, not self conscious or full of fear.
Your smile was open and bright, fresh and light, no guile in your grip or in sight.
And then the road you walked grew stony as you fell and tripped and harmed yourself,
none was your own fault.
Born too green, too gentle for a world so incredulously cruel and unfair to you.
How many times can you come back from the fall? When you only have one soul, one body, one life you know of.
Can you go on swimming through the muck like a soldier, a brave, a warrior, never thinking that you would have to live to fight? eventually surrender turning to the light.
It should never have been that way,
should have been an easier way to play,
the game that should ne'er been a game,
but you stand here smiling just the same.
And I know you will come back from this
and somehow see what love is.
